Bridge over troubled waters

26| Alone

Bailey

Isn't it crazy that you can have so many people you love and who love you and still feel so... alone? You can talk to anyone within your life but you feel like it's not worth it. That they won't understand what you're feeling, the thoughts going through your head so there's just no point. So many people care for you but you don't know if anyone really cares about you. You feel like this hurt that's fallen on you is one that you can't overcome it. You don't want to bring people into your problems and you don't want to bring your problems to them. But at the same time you know you can't do this alone. Being alone seems to always make things worse but that's where you always end up... being alone. You don't want to but you feel like you have no choice. This loneliness that surrounds you is dark and presses down on your chest until you feel like it's going to collapse. You feel your ribs break each time you think of whatever is making life hard and then eventually it crushes you.

They say the bigger they are the harder you fall and I guess that's true. Things were going so well for me, this was bound to happen. Some hearts were made to break and I guess mine is one of them. It's not always going to be all good, but I didn't think it would get this bad either. This is life altering bad and I don't know how to handle it. Not alone at least. I don't think I can, I never have been able to figure this stuff out. Someone has to constantly be looking out for me otherwise I can't hold it together and everything falls apart. Out of all my flaws this is my least favorite. My ability to deal with things I can't change. But I wasn't expecting both the men that matter most in my life to deceive me in the way I was. I trusted them and they can't even tell me the truth? Can't care about me enough to let me know that things in my life were changing and I didn't even know.

But to be fair I haven't been all that honest either. There's things I won't tell myself let alone them because I'm scared of what would happen if I do. I was afraid that if I was honest and came out and said what I was feeling I was going to mess everything up. And now things are even more complicated than before even though I haven't been real with myself. I feel like everything is falling apart around me and I'm scared. I don't know where I stand with Mark and I don't know where I stand with Corey either.

With Mark it's more complicated because him not knowing if he wants to stay with me is a huge deal. I put in four good years with him, I gave him my all and for him to feel like we weren't going to last and keep me strung along is a awful feeling. He's obviously felt like this for a while, and I don't get why he couldn't have told me earlier instead of me forcing it out of him. We don't have a lot of time on this earth so why is he wasting time being with me if he doesn't intend to stay with me? I should have known after Christmas he felt like this. When my brother got engaged and he didn't even blink a eye at it I should have known. Every time we talked about getting married he would change the subject, but I always thought it was so I wouldn't be on to him. But it turns out he doesn't see us together forever and it sucks. Because I do love him and I do want to get married and have kids. But he can't even deal with me being away to better myself for a year. He can't see how me being here is important to who I am and then I don't know what to do. I can't put all the effort in this relationship and have him give up as soon as things don't go his way. I love him, more than anyone knows, but not enough to overlook him wanting to be with me only if I do what he wants me to.

And then there's Corey who I would have thought would take the chance to tell me this because it changes a lot. He's my best friend and he knows that I wanted to get married and have a family and he couldn't tell me that I wasn't going to get that with Mark. He didn't tell me that I wasting time trying to make something happen when it was never going to happen. Then he asked me that if Mark said something bad if he should tell me and I said yes and he still didn't tell me. He lied straight to my face and that hurt me too. That hurt worse than I was willing to admit.

Now I'm all alone with nothing but my pain to keep me company. I have my camera in my hand as I look through all the pictures while softly crying to myself. Work was usually how I settle my issues but my hands were shaking I was so upset. I put all the pictures on my computer but I keep them on here for times like this where I just want to see the beauty in this world that I've captured through my eyes. I look at how happy we all were during the holidays and it was all fake. Mark didn't want to be with me and Corey knew it. Yet we were all sitting here smiling like nothing was wrong. I guess you act like everything is okay for so long and you start or believe it. But now I can't help but have this pain in my chest that comes with all this love coming back to bite me in the ass. I have these pictures and these memories and now they're tainted and I can't undo it.

So I take my camera and send it across the room. It slams into the wall before falling to the floor in a bunch of pieces. My eyes go big as I realized what I just did. I fucked up big time for that was one expensive camera and the only one I brought to America with me. So I get up off the couch and go over to see the shattered remains of my camera on the ground next to the hole in the war. I bend down and pick up a few pieces before tossing them back to the floor.

I realize that this is broken beyond repair and that's how I felt. Like I can try and put everything back together again but it won't work properly, it'll never be the same. There's no going back now that what has been said has been said. There's no undoing the damage and it sucks. Because I dont want to break up with Mark because he is my guy. He was someone who I cared for and loved deeply, but not deep enough to hurt myself like I would if I just stayed with him because I can. I deserve a future I can put something in and get something out of. Not casual sex and "what if"'s.

And what makes this so hard is because I believe him when he says he doesn't think we have a future. I'm scared because I know what he is saying is true. But I also know that if he just tried, if he could think not about him or me but us he could see why I needed to come here and why I have to stay at least for a little time longer. But maybe he doesn't want to see, maybe he doesn't want to fix this. Maybe our relationship is this camera that's about to go in the trash can.

Then what?