Everyone Dies (Except Galadriel)

Chapter 7: Of the Silmarils and the Unrest of the Noldor, Pt. I

Today at work some lady went off on me for checking her $100 bill against the light to make sure it was real. She was so offended. 

Like, I'm required to check all bills above a $20, calm the fuck down. 

Also some dude tried to steal like a 30x40 ft. rug. 

Like dude, did you really think I wouldn't notice you teetering out the door with that gigantic thing? Come on. 

Then some old lady yelled at me because I wouldn't give her a free vase. 

Working retail is certainly an experience. 

***

So now we finally get to talk about the Silmarils. 

You know, the things this book is actually about yet haven't been mentioned yet. 

Anyway, if you'll recall, Tolkien says that there used to be a way to make jewels but it's been conveniently forgotten now. So our good pal Feänor is making some jewels (as one does) and he creates three really shiny jewels that are cool and have light in them and names them the Silmarils. 

And everybody thinks this is like the coolest shit that's ever happened.

Even Mrs. Perfect, Manwë's wifey Varda, was all "ooooooooh pretttttty!"

The only spoilsport was Mandos who...

...wait for it...

...said that the jewels were gonna cause doom. 

Thanks Mandos. 

SHOUTOUT TO MANDOS FOR BEING ORIGINAL!

Not really. Does this guy do anything else other than proclaim doom? Does he not have a fricking hobby? 

Something else I noticed is that nobody really does anything when Mandos proclaims doom. Like, it feels like one of those situations where he's like "guys the Silmarils are going to cause DOOM" and the other Valar seem to just be nodding along like "ok Mandos that's nice dear" but aren't really listening. 

I mean, Manwë listened the last time he did it, but I feel like Manwë also only listens when Tolkien finds it convenient to prove just how perfect his OC is. 

Tolkien also throws some really obscurely prophetic sentences in there about how Feänor is currently like, sitting in Elf Purgatory because at some point he died and he can't come out until the sun goes out and the moon falls out of the sky which...if you know the full story it kind of makes sense because you know what's going to happen but it's really vague and makes no sense in regards to the plot so far whatsoever. 

Make of that what you will. 

I know I sound like a broken record mentioning that Tolkien died before he could complete the Silm but I am genuinely curious about whether or not that strange little passage would have made the final cut. 

Back to the story, Melkor decided that he wanted the Silmarils. 

Wow shocking. Never would have seen that coming.

The way Tolkien tells us this is by saying that "Melkor lusted for the Silmarils, and the very memory of their radiance was a gnawing fire in his heart" which I find to be so inordinately funny, because the way it's phrased sounds like Melkor is sexually attracted to the Silmarils and is plagued by dirty thoughts about them. 

Were I an editor I might have suggested he change that phrasing...

...or not?

Anyway, because of this Melkor wants to destroy both Feänor and the elves' relationship with the Valar. The second I understand. The first...what the fuck does Melkor have against Feänor? Like seriously, they've never even met at this point. 

So to put his evil plot into action, Melkor goes about finding some people to corrupt. 

Now we are given another diversion from the plot where we are informed that the Elves don't know that Men will exist at some point because Manwë never told them. 

This suggests that Manwë does, in fact, have this information. Why am I not surprised. 

Melkor decides to spoil the surprise and tell the elves in a sentence with one of the best typos ever. 

I assume Tolkien meant to start off the sentence with, "But Melkor..."

Instead, he gives us, "Bat Melkor..." 

I don't care if it's a typo, I'm gonna run with it. 

So Melkor, evidently in bat form, decides to spoil the surprise and tell the Elves about how Men will exist at some point. He led them to believe that basically the other Valar were holding the elves captive so that men could have the rest of the world to themselves. 

Apparently Manwë's master plan to keep his brother close is backfiring big time. 

Whoopsie?

Also Feänor started to become greedily and creepily obsessed with the Silmarils so that's great. 

Sounds like a fantastic place to leave off.

OH, I nearly forgot. Today's dedication goes tooooooo...

(drumroll please)

@Vivec__ welcome to the club! Thank you for your votes and comments!