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Every single morning I wake up and think, how am I going to get through this day?
I learned that if I say everyday that today will be a good day, it sometimes makes it better.
But that's not always true.
I have good days but every single day has darkness, some more than others.
Now, I know that is normal but why is it that when I have those days with extra darkness in it, it feels like the lowest low.
Yesterday was a really garbage day, for no apparent reason, it just sucked.
I hate how when I get down, i don't know why.
Like if something bad happens while I'm in a good mood I'm upset a little and then I'm fine...
But if I'm just sitting there at school or something and all the sudden an immense feeling of complete darkness overwhelms me, there is nothing I can do about it, no going back, until it just goes away.
I wish I knew why it works that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm doing good, almost a year clean from self harm but sometimes when I do get down, I feel like I have made no progress... like I'm right where I started.
And I absolutely hate that feeling, i hate not being able to do anything about it.
I hate how I don't really get to be upset, I must keep going.
The past few days, I have felt so much pressure for no obvious reason, I mean nothing in my life has changed, nothing dramatic at least.
I can't help but feel this huge weight on my shoulders and I hate that I can't do a damn thing about it.
I can't change it because I don't know what the problem is...
Maybe it's the fact that I keep pushing everything down deep inside because I can't have bad days, I don't get to do that because I'm a student and many other things that I consider responsibilities. People rely on me, I have to be good, i have to be fine because there is no other option. People need me to be okay, people need me.
They need me and sometimes that is a lot of pressure and sometimes I feel like I can't handle it, sometimes I feel like giving up.
But I don't understand why I feel different, nothing has changed and I'm sure once my mood goes back up it won't seem so bad but the fact that it does get bad is what bothers me...
Because I can't fix it.
Something is wrong and I can't fix, I don't know how.
It's like an itch you can't scratch, except its internal, it's not physical but emotional and simply scratching it won't fix it.
It's a strange feeling really, not knowing what's wrong, or even if there is something...
Life is good right?
There is no reason to feel like you are suffocating, no reason to be dragged to such a dark place right?

That's all

-JT