signed fate

< 32 >

"Yes, mom, everything is just fine here", Lisa said, sitting on the grass that surrounded Han River, with her phone next to her ear.

I still love you

She gulped hard, feeling like an apple got stuck in her throat as she swallowed. Lisa bit her lip and tried to calm down as quick as possible.

After all it was her mother, who she was talking to and as much as she needed to get things off her chest, she didn't want to worry her.

"You really want to fool you own mother?", she asked and immediately guilt spread inside Lisa. "Just when will you understand, that keeping everything to yourself will lead to your downfall one day?"

The answer to that, Lisa didn't know herself. Shortly after promising her members to stop bottling her feelings up, she started doing it again. It was a habit that wasn't going to let go off her that easily.

"Huh, what can I do about you seeing through me", she chuckled, but not as cheerful as usual. Her voice lacked the energy, she normally had. "I don't know how to explain, what I'm going through... I just- my feelings confuse me"

Ever since coming to Korea, she missed being in Thailand with her childhood friends and family, but recently Lisa missed her home even more. Witnessing her troubles get bigger each time, she longed for the comfort of the place that was once her home and she knew deep in her heart, that Thailand would always be her home. Because home was, where complications ended and comfort surrounded one. Home was, where the heart could rest.

There was a home outside Thailand and fortunately it was in Korea as well, but this one was different. This home made her heart ache as much as it caused warmth. And it wasn't her home anymore.

"That's human nature, Lalice, it's impossible to understand everything", her mother responded and made Lisa miss her even more. She wanted to leave Korea right now, fly off to Thailand and spend some time with her family. However, Lisa knew better than that, she shouldn't throw a tantrum over the things happening recently - especially, if it affected her career. "It is love that we are talking about, isn't it?"

Yes! Lisa wanted to scream out at the top of lungs, it's stupid love that makes it hard for me to go back to my normal self.

It's love that makes me feel warmth!

It's love that makes me feel pain!

It's love that makes me want to disappear and be present at the same time!

It's love that makes me choose between two, the past and the present!

It's love that wants me to break someone's heart, when I was the heartbroken one to begin with!

"Would you fix the broken cup or take another one instead?", Lisa asked in a low tone, pressing her thighs against her upper body as she waited for an answer.

"Hmm, I would probably fix the broken cup", her mother answered and although the answer was plausible, it left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth.

"Yes, I mean I understand why you would do that, after all it could've been your favourite cup, but why do you exclude taking another one? The other one would be more resistent to breaking apart and do great work at keeping coffee, cocoa, tea just everything hot... besides, the other cup wouldn't make you go through the pain of cleaning the mess! And why assume that there can be only one favourite cup?"

After her sudden outburst, the phone call went silent for a good number of seconds. Enough to make Lisa hear her own heavy breathing, after she finished saying all those things without pausing for a minute.

Somehow everything she wanted to get off her chest, were said during the metaphoric discussion of old and new cups.

"If there's already an answer to that question, why do you still ask?", with that said, the call ended. It was most likely due to the wifi problems at her mother's, but for some reason the cut was just right.

Her mother's question was rhetorically meant, Lisa knew it, but still made her wonder, whether there was an answer to that question.

Was there already a decision set to go, that she didn't know about? Why was it that decision? Why was she considering to choose a new cup over an old one?

Wasn't it the saying old but gold that should've reminded her of how timeless things could be?

But then again, was it that bad to move on to new things? Wasn't life about writing new chapters?

Hanbin did tell her, that his feelings towards her never changed and that it was the bad timing that teared them apart, but what he said didn't seem enough to her.

Yes, his debut was due and yes, his reputation would have suffered a lot with dating scandals chasing him, but wasn't that already a sign?

Someone, who wasn't willing to risk it all for a relationship, would never do it afterwards? Right?

And other than that, weren't her feelings an issue as well?

He told her face to face, that he loved her and she wasn't fazed at all. Her heart that used to beat only for him, didn't flutter and the goosebumps she felt weren't those of excitement, but nervousness.

They did have history together, but witnessing her body rejecting any romantic response, spoke volumes. The only times Lisa felt warmth because of him, was when she thought about the past. She loved thinking about the memories, since they marked an important part of her life.

But was it really only the memories of him?

Disappointed washed over her face, as she buried her face in between knees and chest. A tear unknowingly rolled down her cheek and a quiet sob escaped her mouth.

It wasn't the thought of getting over him, that disappointed her, but her first love being this short-lived. Back then, when Lisa thought about first loves, she always imagined one that would marry her afterwards - a person to spend eternity with. This imagination of her was crushed by the cruel reality, the reality that showed her the downsides of first loves.

First love, as pure as it sounded, could end up hurting you hard enough to leave wounds, that would constantly remind you of the things you weren't able to have. The missed opportunity to find the eternity with someone.

First love, just like a mere convenience store product, it also had an expiring date.

Lisa woke up from her trance, when she felt her phone vibrate in her hand, telling her to open a newly received message.

She pulled herself together and opened it, not expecting anything special. It would most likely be one from her members or their manager.

Unexpectedly, it was neither of them.

I hope today marks day 1 of Lalisa Manoban being happy for a lifetime

But it's okay if it isn't, there's still enough time to make that happen, just count on me ;)

As she read Jungkook's encouraging messages, Lisa felt the disappointment slowly disappear.

Instead, a hopeful smile formed on her lips.

^*^*^*^*^

Bless my motivation to go on with this, despite being such a lazy person lool

Of course, author-nim is back with a new chapter for you!

I hope you like it and leave a loooooot of comments for me to enjoy <3