The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

Chapter Eighty-Five.

Splashing cold water onto my face, I still didn’t feel refreshed at all. It was like my body just didn’t want to wake up for the day ahead. I didn’t blame it though. There wasn’t much worth getting up for these days, but especially today. Today was the day my mum had arranged for the funeral of our baby to take place. So many thoughts were running through my head about today. I was going through every single emotion under the sun. I was feeling happy because the sun was shining - especially surprising since it was a mid-November morning. I was feeling excited because I had just reached the end of my second trimester. I was feeling sad because then I remembered I only had one baby to look forward to, not my troublesome twins I had pictured since the day we found out we were having twins. I was feeling heartbroken because I would never meet the twin who had died and tell them how much I love them and miss them. I was feeling stupid because how could I miss something I never really had in the first place? I was feeling guilty because recently I had been so horrible to George and he was going through the exact same thing that I was going through and didn’t deserve it at all. I was feeling tired because of all the sleepless nights I had, spending them tossing and turning. I was feeling worried because I was unsure over how today would happen and how Katy would react to it all. Everything was a mess and turning into a blur and the worst part of it was I had no control over any of it at all. 

“Sammy. Are you nearly ready?” a voice called from the bedroom as I stood looking at my reflection in the mirror of the en-suite. 

“Yeah. Just coming,” I replied, taking one last look in the mirror. 

I couldn’t help but sigh as I looked at the black dress I had on that was hiding my half empty baby bump. I was planning to wear the dress on Christmas Day - well, that was if it still fitted me by then - and customise it with some tinsel and fairy lights to make it a bit more festive. I never thought I would be wearing it for one of the twins’ funerals when I bought it the other week. 

“You look lovely,” Kayla smiled, giving me a glance of sympathy as she looked at me. “Are you okay?”

I nodded. I wasn’t okay but I had to pretend I was okay - that was the social convention after all. 

“It’s okay, Sam. You can tell me the truth. I am your sister after all,” Kayla whispered as she pulled me back from walking out of the bedroom. 

I looked at her for a few moments. After silently contemplating with myself, I reluctantly gave in. “I’m numb. I either feel nothing or feel everything. It’s horrible, Kayla. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody, not even somebody I really and truly hated. I know I need to carry on like nothing has happened but I can’t. I’m lost. I’m hurt. I’m empty.”

“And we’re going to get through it together,” Kayla replied, hugging me ever so tightly as I broke down on her shoulder. 

Holding onto her with every bit of energy I had left in my body, I sobbed. I didn’t want to sob. I didn’t want to cry at all today. I had to put on a brave face for Katy’s sake - she didn’t understand what was going on. Mum had arranged for her to spend the day with a distant relative but she wasn’t getting picked up until half an hour before the funeral started so I still had to stay brave throughout that. 

“It’s okay,” Kayla whispered, stroking my hair as I cried on her shoulder. “You’ve been keeping it in for so long that you were bound to break down soon enough. It’s better out than in.”

I continued to cry with her arms wrapped tightly around me, completely ignoring who was walking up the stairs. 

After a few mumbles, Kayla nodded. “She’ll be fine. She just needs a good old cry.” 

*

Surprisingly, the weather had kept nice and dry for us. To say it was November, it was amazing to hear the birds tweeting their song in the treetops above us like it was late Spring, not late Autumn. The only give away that it was November was the crisp brown leaves that were strung across the path and the layer of frost that still laid on top of them from the night before. A slight breeze rustled through the rest of the leaves that were handing onto the branches of all the trees. Sunshine streamed down on us as we slowly made our way into the church. 

The church itself was pretty impressive. Mum had done a great job. It was a traditional medieval church with its beautiful surroundings - rows and rows of tall trees and neatly trimmed lawn in between all the winding cobbled paths that led to the various entrances around the premises. Stained glass windows hung on every side of the church, all meeting in the middle with a tall tower that looked like it was pointing up to the clouds. 

By the main brown oak door of the church, the priest stood in his crystal white and gold robes, looking at George and I in sympathy as we gradually walked towards him. He gave us both a friendly smile before my mum took him to the side to have a quick talk in private. I didn’t mind though. The less people who spoke to me today and gave me their wishes of sympathy, the better it would be for everyone - I wouldn’t have to find the energy to stay strong and they wouldn’t have to find the words to say to me to make me feel better. 

All the guests - well, I say all the guests but there was only mum and Michael, Kayla and David, Luke and Hayley, Chloe, Chloe’s parents - Colin and Rachel, Lisa, George’s mum - Toni, George’s dad - Dominic, Josh, JJ and Elle, and finally, Jaymi and Olly. But all the guests looked at George and I with quick glances as we shuffled into the church. 

“You okay?” Chloe asked me, giving me a supportive smile. 

I nodded. “Yeah. Just want to get it over and done with.” 

Chloe nodded in agreement as she wrapped an arm around me and gave me a quick hug. I knew I should have been focusing on the reason why we were all there but I couldn’t look at it. I was doing everything within my power to avoid eye contact with it. I couldn’t bring myself to look in the direction of it. I knew it was there but I couldn’t. I don’t think anybody else in the room could look at it until it was essential they looked at it. 

“The flowers are lovely,” I commented to mum as she came to stand beside me and Chloe. 

I knew mum had thrown herself into organising the whole thing, even down to the playlist of songs that would be playing quietly in the background through the whole procession. I suppose it was her way of dealing with the news. Everybody there had knew I had lost a baby but they forgot that mum had lost a grandchild. It was made it even worse that it was the second grandchild she would never meet. Mum never said it to me but I knew she wanted me to have as many kids as possible. She was definitely the grandmother who would spoil her grandchild like rotten. She loved the idea of having us all over at Christmas and having a house full of her grandchildren. She absolutely adored Katy and thought the world of Christopher. It pained me to know she was so excited about me having twins and now the thought of twins was taken away from her. 

As George took hold of my hand and led me down the aisle to find out seats, I reluctantly glanced at it. I couldn’t get over how tiny it was. I only intended to look at it for a split moment but my eyes were drawn to it permanently. I couldn't get over the idea of a little human being inside it. It was the smallest thing I had ever seen. The coffin was about the size of a shoe box. It had two little gold handles - one either side of the white box. I couldn’t take my eyes off it now that I had caught sight of it. It hurt to look at it, but in a way, it helped me to realise that it was all real. It made me realise that the baby was actually there. Before, I had only seen the baby on the screen during scans and then the doctor told me it hadn’t made it and I’d given birth to it through a caesarian. It never seemed real. I never had proof my baby was real. Seeing the box made it real. It’s hard to explain, but to me, it made perfect sense. It made me realise I wasn’t just dreaming about the whole thing and I’d wake up from the nasty nightmare at any time. 

George’s hand clasped tightly around mine as we sat down and listened to the priest begin the ceremony.