The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

Chapter Eighty-Nine.

After wrapping my scarf around my neck and fastening my coat up as far as it would go - which wasn’t very far at all, I heaved my bag over my shoulder. Just in time for George to walk out of the lounge. 

“I didn’t know you were going somewhere,” he paused, looking at me in confusion. 

“Oh. I thought I didn’t need to tell you where I was going to be every minute of the day,” I groaned. 

“When you’re carrying my baby, I think it’s probably best you give me a rough idea where you’re going to be. Especially after what happened.”

I let out a loud sigh. “For God’s sake, George. I know. Everything is different now we lost the baby - our second baby. But I need space. We’re already sick of each other. I need a bit of normality back into my life. I’ve been hiding behind these four walls for the past month now. I need to see people - different people. I’m going to the studio with Lisa to work on a few things for the final album. Is that okay with you?”

“You don't have to say it like that,” George snapped. “I’m only concerned.”

“There’s concerned and then there’s this. You’re suffocating me. It’s okay for you to go away for a few days to ‘concentrate on your writing’ as you put it, but it isn’t okay for me to go out and see my manager or record a song or two for a few hours?” 

“Did I say that?” he questioned. “I don’t think I did.”

“No, but it’s how it comes across.”

“I’m just worried about you, Sammy. I’m worried about both of you.” 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I know. But I’m fine. This baby’s fine. But we won’t be if you keep suffocating us.” 

“Fine. Whatever. Go if that’s what you want.”

“I was going to go whether you liked it or not to be honest,” I blurted out. 

Within seconds I instantly regretted it but that regret only lasted a few moments. It was like history was repeating itself. George worrying about me as I shut him out. The sad thing was I couldn’t care less. I needed space. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I needed to get to the studio, to my world where I could be whoever I wanted to be without having to answer to anybody and where I didn’t hurt in every way possible.

*

Walking into the studio for the first time in ages, I looked around but it still looked the same as it did the last time I was here. Lisa was already waiting in the lounge area of the reception for me, armed with her suitcase that she always brought to the studio - mainly used in case we decided to do an all nighter there so she would have a spare change of clothes and toothbrush with her just on the safe side.

“I’ve brought some songs with me that other artists have turned down so I thought we could give them a go and maybe you could produce a demo track to see how it turns out,” Lisa paused as she handed me a bundle of papers all filed together with a paper clip. “Or I’ve had an invitation from a cancer charity asking if I would be able to select a few candidates for a single they will release to raise funds for a new hospice.” 

“Second one, definitely,” I replied, handing back the unread bundle to her. 

Lisa nodded as she shoved the bundle back into her bag. “Second one it is then.”

“What song is it?” I asked. 

“U2’s With or Without You,” she replied, looking quite reluctant as she said it. “I’m sure they would understand if you declined.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. It’s a beautiful song.”

*

“See the stone set in your eyes. See the thorn twist in your side. And I wait for you,” I began to sing, holding onto the microphone stand with my hand. I closed my eyes as I imagined I was the only person in the room, the only person in the entire world. “Sleight of hand and twist of fate. On a bed of nails she makes me wait. And I wait without you.”

I opened up my eyes and quickly glanced over at Lisa. Her head was burrowed into her hands as she hid the fact she was crying, but I knew. 

“With or without you. With or without you.”

“Through the storm we reach the shore. You give it all but I want more. And I’m waiting for you,” I smiled at Lisa as she sat in the corner of the room, watching me with tears filling her eyes as she wiped the tears that had escaped with a tissue. “With or without you. With or without you. I can’t live with or without you.”

As the instrumental of the track played on, I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the next part of the song. With my hand firmly on my baby bump, I took another deep breath. I was so relieved I still had one baby to put all my hope into. “And you give yourself away. And you give yourself away. And you give, and you give, and you give yourself away.” 

Lisa, looking absolutely emotionally ruined, gave me a supportive smile. Ignoring the fact I had to continue, I pulled my headphones off and signalled for the producer to cut the track. Even though I was singing the song fine, there was something in me stopping me from enjoying it. Usually I would have been dying to get into the studio, but this time was different. It was like I wasn’t meant to be in the studio. It felt like today I didn’t belong there. It felt strange. It felt wrong.

“You’re right,” I paused. 

Looking at me in confusion, Lisa stood up. “I’m right about what?”

“I can’t do this.” 

Lisa wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I smiled. “I thought I would be okay. You tried to stop me. I should have listened to you.”