The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

Chapter Ninety.

Tucking Katy’s duvet over her as she laid in the middle of her bed, slowly falling asleep, I sighed to myself. “And they all lived happily ever after.” 

As I finished reading the made-up story to Katy, I kissed her forehead - she was already fast asleep. “Soon enough, you’ll learn things never happen like story books. Fairytales are for fairies, Katy.”

“You can’t say stuff like that to her,” George moaned, looking at me in disbelief as I walked out of Katy’s bedroom, closing the door ajar.

“Can you keep your voice down?” I asked.

“Sammy, you can’t make out everything has gone to shit to her. She’s just a child. You really don’t get it, do you? She might only be two years old but she can still understand what’s going on. You can’t say stuff like that to her. I won’t let you.”

Walking down the stairs, I groaned as George followed me. “Can you just stop following me for one minute?”

“I’m worried about you, Sam.”

“Worried?” I laughed. I could tell he was being serious with the way he called me ‘Sam’. He never called me that. Never ever. “I’m fine.”

“So that means you’re not."

“I’m fine, George,” I smiled, turning around to face him as we reached the bottom of the stairs. “I’m fine. I really am fine. In fact, I’ve never been better. I mean, it’s not like we’ve just lost a baby or anything - our second baby for that matter. Oh, and it’s not like we have a baby coming on the way either when we can’t even get along when we already have a little girl who needs us to get alone. George, our life together is a mess. We’ve never really been sorted for longer than a few days. It’s always one thing after another. Why can’t we just have the usual couple life where we fall in love, get married, have kids and grown old together, dying minutes apart in the same hospital bed?”

“That’s because of you,” George replied in an anger toned as he followed me into the kitchen. “You’re never happy. with what you’ve got. You always need something else.”

“I am happy. Well, I was happy. I had you and Katy and the two babies on the way but now?”

“Now, you still have me and Katy and one baby on the way.”

“But..”

George cut me off before I had chance to finish my sentence. “But no, Sammy. No more excuses. You know you’re never happy with what you’ve got and as soon as something is going good, you have to ruin it.”

“Me?” I laughed. “I have to ruin it?”

“Yes, you.”

“We’re back to 2014 again, aren’t we?” I asked.

“What?” George asked, looking at me in confusion.

“You’re blaming me for the baby dying, just like you did when I had that miscarriage before Katy.”

“No, I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to though, did you?” I sighed. “It’s so bloody obvious with you, George. You still think it was my fault for the first baby and now with this baby too. It is written all over your face. You can’t hide it, George. I see it in your eyes.”

“No, I..”

“I don’t blame you,” I said, interrupting George, just like he did to me. “I blame myself. But do you know what hurts me the most?” I paused for a moment, giving time for George to respond but he didn’t. “The fact that last week I asked you if you blamed me and you said you didn’t. You suggested therapy but how can we go to therapy if we can’t even be honest with one another behind closed doors?”

“This isn’t what I meant though,” George raged. “You get so caught up in you and you alone that you forget to consider how I’m feeling, or even worse, how Katy is feeling. It’s just you, you, you. I know you’ve been suffering and I wanna be there for you but it’s a two way street, Sammy. I’ll be there for you if you’re there for me - but you’re not.”

“You and Katy are the only reason that I get up in the morning.”

“There we go again,” George laughed. “You again!”

“Do you know what, I really cannot be doing with this now. I’m gonna go stop at my mum’s for a few days until we’ve both calmed down. It isn’t good for the baby or for Katy.”

“Do you know what?” George said, grabbing his car keys from the counter in the kitchen. “I’m gonna go so you can focus on you for a change.”

Following George out of the kitchen and into the hallway, I began to rage. “Do us all a favour and just don’t come back then!”

I didn’t mean to say it. It just sort of came out. The thing that surprised me the most was the fact I didn’t feel guilty for saying it - in a weird way, all I felt was relief. As George opened up the front door, I heard a little voice mutter from the stairs. Both turning around, I saw Katy stood, clutching onto her teddy bear, at the top of the stairs. Her little hands rubbing her tired eyes as she looked down at George and I.

“Mummy, can’t sleep,” she sobbed.

“Hey baby,” I said, bringing myself back down to Earth with a thud as I realised Katy knew exactly what was going on. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed and read you another story.”

“Mummy, daddy, stop shouting.”

Rushing up the stairs as fast as my bump would let me, I grabbed hold of her and hugged her tightly. “No. No, we weren’t shouting,” I smiled, trying to convince her that everything was alright when it was the exact opposite. “Mummy and daddy were just play fighting.”

“Daddy,” she sobbed.

George came to join us on the stairs. Looking at him, I waited for his response. “Daddy’s gotta go away for a few days,” he paused, taking his eyes from Katy and placing his stare on me. “But I promise I’ll come see you at the weekend and we’ll go out for ice cream.”

“George..”

“No, Sammy,” he replied. “You said it yourself. It’s over.”

“Wait outside. I’m gonna put her to bed and then we need to talk. Talk, not shouting. I’m fed up of this. We need it sorting.”

George didn’t reply. He just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I took hold of Katy’s hand and began to walk up the stairs with her. Dragging her teddy behind her, she looked over her shoulder and down the stairs at George, who was watching us both make our way to Katy’s room. Placing Katy in her bed and tucking the duvet over her, I gave her a smile, trying to convince her that everything was okay when in reality I had no idea if anything was ever going to be okay again.