The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

Chapter Ninety-Six.

Dragging the IV drip stand along the corridor towards the premature baby ward, I tried to force a smile for the other patients’ sakes but it was almost an impossibility. I hadn’t got much to smile about. I was stuck in hospital on Christmas Day by myself. Katy was spending Christmas with George’s family as we planned months ago since we thought we still had two months at least to go until our baby turned up - we even planned it before we lost the other twin. George agreed to come bring her to the hospital to see me and the baby later on but it wasn’t right for her to spend the entire day here. Hospital was no place for a child, especially at Christmas. I didn’t mind having a Christmas if it meant Katy got to spend the day being happy.

Waddling down the corridor in my dressing gown and slippers with my hand clutching onto the drip stand, I slowly made my way towards the room where my baby boy was fighting for his life. As I got outside the room, I looked through the slits of the blind that hung up at the window, straight at him as he laid in the incubator - all wired up to various machines that were helping him breathe. It took me a few minutes to pluck up the courage to go into him. As I walked into the room, I was thrown back to all the memories of when Jack was born. The room still had the same smell that the room Jack was in had - disinfectant. A few Christmas decorations were hung in the corner of the room and a bit of tinsel was draped around the incubator that my son was in but it still didn’t feel Christmassy. 

“Look who's come to see you,” the midwife smiled to my baby as I silently closed the door behind me. “It’s your mummy!”

“How is he doing?” I asked. 

“He’s sticking with it at the moment,” the midwife replied with a sympathetic tone. “There isn’t much change but we’re just keeping a close eye on him to make sure he’s stable. In these circumstances, no news is good news right now.”

I nodded as I tried to fight back the tears. 

“He’s not well enough for you to hold yet but you can let him feel your finger if you want,” the midwife smiled. I nodded wearily. “There’s nothing to be nervous about. We encourage skin-to-skin contact as soon as possible as it helps him fight and bond with you. We call it Kangaroo Care.”

I nodded. “My brother was born premature so I know about that,” I smiled, letting out a little yawn. 

“Is this your first?” the midwife asked as she handed some anti-bacterial gel to me. 

I shook my head as I used the anti-bacterial gel on my hands. “I’ve got a two-year old daughter.”

“A big sister for this little monkey then,” the midwife beamed, looking down at my son’s tiny helpless body. “Now, just pop your hand through the little gap at the side of the incubator and hold your finger out.”

I followed her instructions. Gently, I held my finger out towards my baby’s little body. I couldn’t help but gasp as I watched his tiny fingers curl up around my finger. To say he was small, he had some strength in his fingers as they locked around my finger. I used my other hand to wipe away the tears that were falling from my eyes and down my cheek. 

“Don’t worry about crying, honey,” the midwife laughed, passing me a tissue. “It’s only natural when you have that first bit of contact with your baby.” 

I sniffled with a smile on my face, letting the tears fall down my face. As I returned back to look at my baby, I gently rubbed his tiny fingers with my thumb as his were still clamped around my finger. “Hello you,” I whispered with all my attention focusing on his little chest being pumped up and down by the breathing tube that ran into his throat. “I’m your mummy and I’m gonna love you so much. You and your big sister are my world and nothing will ever hurt you. I just need you to get better so you can come home with me. I promise to be the best mummy in the whole entire world. I just need you to keep fighting. Okay?”

*

“How’s he doing?” I asked the nurse daintily as I stood over the incubator, watching his chest slowly moving up and down along with the rest of his tiny little body like I had been doing for the past two hours. 

“He’s a fighter, Sammy,” the nurse smiled to me as she flicked through a few sheets of paper.

Instead of sighing at the fact the nurse dodged my question and I still had no idea of how my son was doing, I smiled a half-hearted smile back to her before looking back down at my tiny baby in the incubator. I remained standing beside the incubator for a few more moments before sitting down in the chair in exhaustion. Looking at his body struggling to breathe, I couldn’t help but feel so helpless. Knowing there was nothing that I could do at all was the worst feeling in the world. After a few more moments of watching our baby, the door opened and in walked George, carrying Katy in his arms. 

“Mummy!” she beamed.

I smiled at her as George passed her to me. 

“How is he?” George asked, pulling up a chair from the side of the room and sitting down next to me.

“Okay,” I said, not taking my eyes off the baby lying in the incubator. 

“Mummy, my brother?” Katy asked, pointing to the incubator.

I nodded. “He’s your baby brother.”

“Hello!” she grinned, pressing her nose against the glass and waving at him. “He’s so small.”

“He’s a baby,” George smiled, picking her up as she knelt up on my lap and carried her to the other side of the incubator. “He’s a poorly baby but he’s gonna get stronger and get better as he can’t wait to properly meet his big sister.”

“I’m your big sister,” Katy said, pressing her hand on the glass. “Get better soon. Love you.”

My heart broke as I watched her smile at her baby brother. I could tell just by her little smile that he already meant the world to her, yet she had no idea how ill he was and if anything should happen to him, she still wouldn’t understand why her whole world had been taken away from her. She had already lost a baby sister she never met, I couldn’t let her lose a baby brother she had only just met. As tears filled my eyes, I stood up and rushed out of the room. Even though I still felt weak and my stomach felt sore and tender from the operation, I managed to run down the corridor. Collapsing against the wall at the end, I fell to the ground with tears streaming down my face. 

“Sammy!” a voice shouted from the opposite end of the corridor, followed by heavy footsteps at a quick pace. 

I didn’t look up; instead I just placed my head in my arms and wept. 

“Sammy,” a soft voice said after a few moments as an arm became draped over my shoulders. “It’s going to be okay.”

I shook my head, lifting my head up to see JJ and Josh sat either side of me with Josh’s arm around me. “It’s not though, is it?” I asked, sobbing. “You can’t guarantee that he’s going to make it, can you? Nobody can. Not even the doctors can. I’d do anything to swap places with him.”

“You’ve got to stay strong for him,” JJ said, hugging me tightly. “He needs you to fight with him.”

“JJ’s right,” Josh said, rubbing my back gently in an attempt to stay calm.

“I don’t get it though,” I paused. “George is managing to stay so strong and has everything together. How come I can’t be like that and be strong?”

Josh sighed. “He’s really not managing, Sammy. When we got the call from Olly to say you’d given birth to him, I saw him and he was an absolute state. I’ve known him nearly eight years now and I’ve never seen him cry like that in all that time, but he cried on my shoulder. He needs you – they both do.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of my dressing gown, just in time for the door to the special care room to open and Katy come running out of the room and down the corridor, right towards me. Holding my arms out for her, she ran straight into them with a huge smile on his face.  “Mummy,” she grinned. “I love my brother!”

It broke my heart to see her so happy. She didn’t understand anything that was going on, luckily. I smiled as I cradled her tightly in my arms.