You're ok - Todobaku

10

TW Drug use, Self-harm, Depressive thoughts, Panic attacks, Mentions of anorexia and bulimia, Mentions of suicide

Todorokis POV

I feel like I'm going insane. It's only been a few hours since I forced Katsuki to leave and I'm a mess. Right now I'm curled in a ball, tears flowing from my eyes, and biting my nails to the point of bleeding. I glance around the dark room. I don't feel safe. I scratch at my arms with my jagged nails, breaking the skin and bleeding a bit. I need something, anything, to make me feel safe. I look at my options. I can't get Katsuki, I was the one to push him away. I suddenly remember the party. The day after the party, I asked Kaminari for some weed. He gave me some weed and a lighter, for a small price of course.

I crawled off the bed over to my dresser where I had stashed the crumpled baggie and lighter under some clothes. I grabbed the items and walked over to the window in my room. I rolled up a blunt and opened the window. I lit it and stared outside as I took a hit. I knew I would feel anxious for a while so I'm going to try and stay as calm as possible for the while before I start to feel calm. I stare outside, watching as people pass the building. Oh damn, I hope there's no cameras, I don't want to get in trouble for smoking on school property.

I begin to get calmer after some time, so I finish up the blunt and put it out on the bricks on the outside of the building. I keep the window open and realize I never changed out of my uniform. I sigh and change into a black hoodie and grey pants. I'm exhausted because of this morning but I can't sleep. I'm paranoid over nothing and being high barely helps. I need a release from all of the emotions so I decide to take a walk. I grab my keys, phone, earbuds, and some money and head out, putting on shoes on my way out. 

I walk out of the dorm building, putting my hood up and turning on some music. I walk aimlessly for a while and end up finding a small drug store. I shrug and go in. There's only one other person in the store, it's a cashier who gives a small wave when I glance at him. I acknowledge him with a small nod and look through the aisles. The store has a little of everything. I walk down the aisles a few times and stop at one particular section. Razors. They're so enticing, almost begging me to get them. I look around, checking that no one was around and grabbed them.

I silently went up to the counter with the pack of razors. The cashier looks at me and hesitantly scans them. "That'll be $4.34, sir." I nod and grab a few bucks from my pocket. He takes it and counts it, putting it into the register and getting out money for the change. I grab the razors, shoving them in my pocket and turn to leave. "S-sir do you want your cha-" "Keep it." I say, leaving the store. I continue to walk the streets, passing several other stores and people. I check the time. It was maybe 10:15 or so when I left and It's about 1:30 now.

I decide that I should maybe head back now. I turned around, turned up my music, and kept my head down. I walked for maybe an hour or so, eventually getting back to the dorms. Damn, I went far. I thought as I walked back in, putting my hood down. I feel less tense after walking. Now I just feel excited, excited to try the razors. I get a small smile on my lips as I go up to my room. I go in and immediately go into the bathroom. I know that no one will be coming in anytime ever but I still close and lock the door because of paranoia and the fear of being caught.

I quickly open the package and carefully hold the blade. I smile and roll up my sleeve. I put the blade on my skin and drag it across. I wince because of the pain but also feel a sense of relief. I see the blood come up from the small cut and begin to feel happy. My smile widens as I make another cut. And another. And another. Soon there are maybe 10 or so cuts on each arm, some not very deep, some a bit more deep, but none deep enough to kill me. 

I sigh. I love the relief it gives, but at the same time, what will Katsuki think? Or maybe he doesn't have to find out. A voice says. I look over to the door in a panic before I realize it was just in my head. Yeah, maybe he doesn't have to find out. I turn on the tap, running cool water over my arms, cleaning the blood. I reach into the cabinet under the sink and grab a small first-aid kit that was provided by the school and begin to clean and wrap both arms. I need a place to hide these I think while looking at the razors. I sigh and settle with just keeping them under the sink for the moment.