You're ok - Todobaku

16

TW Depressive thoughts, Self-harm, Eating disorders, Drug use

Todorokis POV

I wake up to the loud and annoying sound of my alarm going off. I hear Katsuki groan and he moves a bit, going to turn it off. He takes his hands from around my waist and rolls over a bit, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. I look up at him and watch as he takes the blanket off and gets up. He goes to the bathroom and I roll over, trying to go back to sleep. It doesn't work and after a little bit, he comes out and pulls the blanket off me.

I whine a bit and curl into a ball. "Noooooo I don't wanna get up." He sighs and grabs me by the wrist, pulling me up. I groan and look up at him. "Come on. Get up." he says, walking over to the door, grabbing his book bag on the way. "Like always, meet me for breakfast." he says, swinging his bag over his shoulder and leaving. See how fast he left? He hates you. He doesn't want to be around you. I bite my lip and fidget with my hands a bit before eventually getting up to take a shower.

I take a quick glance at the cupboard under the sink, the cupboard that contains my new razors. I shake my head and try to ignore it by just taking my shower instead. I take a very quick one and the second I get out, I reach in the cupboard for my razors. It's comforting to just hold it. I know the damage I can do to myself with this small object and it almost makes me happy. I slowly place it near my thigh and make a few shallow cuts. 

I continue to blindly make cuts before I soon stop, biting my lip and moving my hands to my sides. I watch the warm liquid flow down my legs from the cuts. I place the razor on the counter and begin to clean up, washing my hands, cleaning off the razor, and wrapping up my legs. I put on my clothes and deal with the pain. You deserve it. I'm about to leave the bathroom but then I think of something. I quickly turn back, opening the cupboard below the sink and grabbing a singular razor and walking back out.

I go over and grab my phone, pulling off the case and placing the razor inside. I'll always have it. I smile at the thought and begin the grab my other things, in hopes of not being late again. I quickly go downstairs and see that Katsu isn't there yet. I quickly make some cereal for us, purposely giving myself none, yet still trying to make it look like I did have some. I sit down at one of the tables and put my earbuds in, playing some music and waiting for him to come.

He soon comes in and sits next to me. "You already ate?" he questions, looking at my empty bowl. I respond with a small yeah and put my earbuds back in, trying to ignore everything around me and just try to relax. He soon finishes the food and we start to head to the classroom. I decided that I should keep up my shitty routine of going to the bathroom before class, maybe so I can avoid suspicion from Katsuki if he thinks that I didn't actually eat.

I turn into a bathroom and walk into one of the stalls. I like the stalls better, you're more concealed and people won't have to look at you. I don't have anything to throw up this time, so I just sit on the toilet, not doing anything really. I sit for a minute or two before I just get up and head out. I push open the door and immediately see Katsu just standing by the doorway. "Why do you keep on just going tot hee bathroom before class? You've been doing it more recently." he confronts me.

"I'm just going to the bathroom, I've been forgetting to do it while I'm in my dorm, so I just do it before class." I lie. I can't tell him the truth. He waits a second before giving a small nod, walking back to the classroom. I walk with him in silence and we soon get to the room. I sit in my seat and listen to my music. I ignore everything and listen to the lyrics. It all has a meaning. The words flow together amazingly and I let it calm me. I know the song is sad, but it always brings me comfort knowing that many other people are as broken as me.

Time Skip

I walk into the bathroom after school, holding part of my feeding tube in one hand and a change of clothes in the other.. Why do I have to have this? Why can't I just be normal? I sigh and quickly change into the other outfit before reluctantly putting the tube in. I stare at myself in the mirror with disgust and decide to check my weight. 125.3. I've lost about 8 pounds, but I'm still not happy. I need to lose more. I go out, sitting on the bed and connecting the food to the tube. I watch as it gets pumped up, going up the tube and into my stomach.

Katsuki sits next to me and plays on his phone. I look away from him and stare out the window. I want a release right now. I want to escape the pain, whether I do that by cutting or smoking, I don't care. I slowly roll up my sleeve a bit, starting to scratch my arm. My jagged nails (that I constantly bite because of anxiety) run up and down, breaking my skin in some places and causing me to bleed a bit. I stare out the window, scratching my arm before I feel a hand harshly grab my wrist. 

My scratching stops and I look over to Katsuki. He looks worried as he stares at my arm. It's only bleeding a little bit so I wipe off the little bit and roll my sleeve back down, going and looking out the window again. I feel his hand grab the side of my face, forcing me to look back over at him. "Don't do that." he says sternly. "Ok." I respond with a shrug, knowing full well that I won't listen to him. "I'm serious. I don't want you hurting yourself." I shrug again and push his hand away from my face.

He sighs and I feel him staring at me from the side but I ignore it, focusing instead on the people walking outside the dorm building. We sit like that for a few minutes before I finally get up. Katsu questions what I'm doing but I ignore him. I grab a hoodie and dig around in my dresser for a few seconds before I feel the familiar texture of my tiny bag of weed and the lighter next to it. I shove it (along with my phone) into my pocket and open the door. By now, Katsuki has gotten up and is beginning to follow me out of the room.

I slowly go down the stairs, looking at the occasional classmate that would pass us and soon make it out of the building. He continues to ask what I'm doing as we walk down the sidewalk. I still don't answer and soon we're stopped in a small alleyway, similar to the one that I meet Kiku and them in. I stand against a wall and he does the same. He's stopped asking questions and is now just watching my actions.

I pull out a pre-wrapped blunt that wat sat in the small bag and bring it up to my face along with the lighter. I light it and take a hit, exhaling smoke after a few seconds. "You wanna hit?" I ask lazily, offering it to Katsu. He shakes his head and I shrug. I continue to smoke it, soon beginning to feel calmer. I finish it up after some time and look back over to Katsu again. He doesn't say anything and just looks at me with a semi-sad expression. He's disappointed in you. You should stop smoking and get better already.

I shrug off the voice and press the still lit blunt to the wall, putting it out quickly. I walk out of the alley and hear him following quickly behind me. He's soon by my side and we walk in silence. We don't hold hands, we don't talk. We're back at the dorms within a few minutes and instead of going back into my dorm, I decide to just sit in the common room. I sit and begin to play on my phone. "Yo, who's been smoking?" comes Kirishimas' voice from the other couch.

Katsu points at me and I smile lazily, indicating that, yes, it was me. "Can I have some." he asks, leaning forward and looking at me. "Hell no, get your own." I respond, slightly angry. "Ok, chill dude." he says with a sigh, leaning back. I'm quickly done with his bullshit and decide to go back to my dorm. Katsu continues to follow me like a lost puppy and still isn't talking. "Why." he asks once he's sat on the bed and I'm putting the weed back in the dresser.

I don't respond, I just go over and sit next to him. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and I quickly brush it off. I fidget with my hands a bit and try to ignore the anxiety of being confronted by him. I soon just lie on the bed and cover myself with the blanket. I feel him shift and lie next to me too. He slowly wraps his arms around me and I don't push him off this time. I let him hold me close and soon drift into a dreamless sleep.

1664 words

Oh look! A short chapter! I don't think I'll be able to post 2000 word chapters very often because depending on the chapter, it won't always end up being long enough, especially since I'm only writing the before and after school times. Anyways, the next chapter I post will be a Christmas special. It won't really have any tie to the story, it'll just be a small break from the recent angst. Ok, that's it, bye!