Why Won't You Love Me?: Sequel to Dazed & Confused

3

18th of July 2022

Coldplay: The Scientist

'Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.'

There are many days that I dread throughout the year. The first day of University for the year, the anniversary of my first cat's death. The days that Shawn leaves for months a time, but this day is has been the worst for the past two years.

Jordan passed away at the age of six at 11:30 pm on the eighteenth of July 2020, his cancer consuming and taking over him way faster than anybody would have liked. It has a left a piece of our hearts gone, as he was a part of us from the moment he was born and that's what hurts the most, the fact that he was so young and had so much to do and so much to see.

'Hey baby,' Shawn said kissing my head before he placed my morning cup of tea on my bedside table, climbing back into bed with me. 'How are you feeling?'

The pain of losing my little brother never fades and I do not think it ever will. Some days are better than others, but days like today and occasions like his birthday and Christmas are the hardest of them all.

'Sad,' I said simply because no words could honestly describe the way that I was feeling. 'Really really sad,' I said softly, trying to hold back the tears that I knew were coming.

'I'm sorry Si, he loved you so much,' Shawn said and I nodded because it was true. Despite the twelve-year age gap between Jordan and I, we were always close and everybody could see that, including Shawn who grew close to the little boy in the earlier half of 2020.

'I know he did, he loved you too,' I said and Shawn just nodded before kissing the top of my head, a sign of affection and support.

'What time do you want to go to your parents?' Shawn asked and I sighed, looking at the time on my phone which read just after ten in the morning.

'Soon, we can get dressed and then we can go?' I said and Shawn nodded before we climbed out of bed and got dressed quickly before Shawn drove us to my parent's house, the car ride silent almost the whole way, but Shawn understood that I did not really feel like talking on a day like today.

'Hey Mum,' I said pulling her into a hug as soon as I got in the door, the tears beginning to flow, not caring who was in our kitchen or living room because I needed to cry. It helped release all the emotions I could not put into words.

'Hey my sweetheart,' she said keeping it together, squeezing me tightly as I slowly but surely pulled myself together and headed into the kitchen to see Ashton and my dad, the latter making me my second cup of tea for the day.

The three of us shared a silent hug, my mum joining us shortly after as we just stood there and held each other, a small hole in the middle of the circle missing the small brown-haired, green-eyed cheeky boy who should be here today.

Calum, Michael, Luke, Evie, Isla and Olivia were all here with us, a small sigh of relief leaving my lips when I realised Eliza would not be joining us today.

We all went to the cemetery together, something we have done on the past two years, along with Christmas day and Jordan's birthday, the whole process never getting any easier.

Luke stopped talking to me on the day Jordan died, I remember it clearly. He was supposed to have been home for a week and we had planned to have lunch together, as we were still friends at this stage. However, he did not come home and he was ignoring every single call and text that I sent him. I knew that he knew that Jordan had passed away as Ashton called him and sobbed on the phone to him for about an hour, and when he hung up, there was still no call or text from Luke.

The cemetery was the hardest part of the day, as it was the one place that Jordan should never have been whilst all of us were alive. His grave was so small, looking completely out of place and just plain wrong amongst the much larger ones.

His tombstone read:

Jordan Taylor Irwin

3rd of March 2014-18th of July 2020

Loved son of Sophia and Timothy Irwin

Adored younger brother of Ashton and Sienna Irwin

'I love everybody, especially my family, they are the best.'

The quote was the hardest thing to do, as it was one of the last things he said to the four of us, as he stopped speaking about three days before he passed away, which was hard on everybody because we will never get to hear him giggle or speak in person ever again.

It was almost silent the whole time we were there, except for the tears that everybody shared. Shawn held my hand the whole way home, which is all I wanted from him. I did not need his words or his kisses, the simple act of holding my hand was enough for the day.

'Fuck we have no milk left,' my Dad said when we got home, everybody wanting either a tea or coffee to help relax us a little bit.

'I can grab some,' Shawn said picking his keys off the counter. 'I'll be about ten minutes, see you all soon,' he said kissing my cheek quickly, earning a glare from Luke.

'You're an angel Shawn, thank you so much,' my mum said before he walked out of the door.

'Anytime Sophia,' he said with a smile before he was gone. It was silent after that, before Luke asked if we could talk which I reluctantly agreed to and we headed into my old bedroom, which was still my own.

'How are you?' Luke asked as I sat down on my bed and I just rolled my eyes, because I knew that he really did not care.

'Why the fuck do you care? You didn't care on the day that it happened and you sure as hell don't care now,' I snapped and Luke looked slightly taken aback by my words.

'I didn't know what to say then Sienna, I was hurting.'

'Fuck off, my brother had just died and you were off fucking Eliza and not bothering to come back for the funeral. A five-minute call would have done Luke, instead, you actually ruined our friendship.'

'It isn't like that Sienna.'

'MY BROTHER HAD DIED LUKE AND YOU ARE TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE FACT YOU WERE FUCKING THE GIRL WHO ABUSED ME A YEAR EARLIER. HOW IS THAT OKAY LUKE?' I screamed at him, tears running down my face, Luke looking heartbroken at my words.

'Sienna I'm sorry,' he whispered and I shook my head, as he did not get to be sorry anymore, he has had two years to apologise to me and he has never made the effort.

'No, you have had so much time to apologise and you never had,' I said as I continued to sob and shake my head, my body shaking so violently that I felt like I was going to vomit until Shawn appeared out of absolutely nowhere and held me whilst I calmed down, Luke just scowling at the both of us now.

'I think you need to leave Luke,' Shawn said sternly and I nodded softly in agreement, not wanting to be around him any longer due to the way that he was making me feel.

'Couldn't fucking agree more,' Luke snapped before slamming my door behind him and leaving, leaving me more confused than ever.

---------------------------------------------

i hate this chapter coz i didn't want jordan to die :(

anyways the next chapters will be more happy I hope lol

thanks for reading xx