at, to, or by a great distance (used to indicate the extent to which one thing is distant from another).
Synonym: a long way, a great distance, a good way, afar
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7:30 pm Busan
I woke before Jennie the week before last. I woke up tired, with a back so achy I thought I had pulled a muscle from the hotel mattress. But like falling through thin ice into frozen water, my body woke and my awareness with it. Hand hard, flat against my chest, I realized it was my heart. Sobbing through my back, it was my heart. And in that state, of sudden alert, I heard it weep and felt it coil - as if to fold in or wrap around itself - I felt it disfigure, I felt it all too much. In fact, at that moment, I felt too much. As in my feelings, emotions became too much, and all too quickly, I was crying. Weeping too, for my weak heart, and for all that it was sad for.
Funny how it can do that, you know, hurt. Get all heavy. Achy; all through your chest, across each rib and down your all too fragile spine. See how I say "your" - it's to make me feel less alone. Trick me; get all-inclusive on my lonely. Like, I'm not the only one who feels this. This is a universal thing and in fact many people, thousands I bet, feel exactly the same way I do. Shit. I felt - feel - like crap. And you too, right?
Yeah okay, so it's not scientific...or is it? I wouldn't say I'm uneducated...but this would all be an uneducated, never took high school science, type of hypothesis. A guess for the greater (me) good. And I mean, sure, it's a mere thought, my own assumption...but come on, dwell with me a little. Reminisce on some heartache and confusion.
Go on, with me, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in and together - uh life; what fucking nightmare.
A never-ending, soul-sucking, make me feel all feely kind of nightmare. A real piece of vulnerability. Speaking of - that, those, the vulnerable bits of me, that's what had been attacked. You could even say mutilated (I know) the night I stayed with Jennie. The last night I stayed with her.
My messy thoughts and overwhelming love for Jennie had rendered me helpless. Things had gotten awfully complicated ridiculously quick. Well no, I've come to realize that it's always been complicated. I had just been good at pretending otherwise...up until then. When everything came crashing - like a plane in the season finale of a soap opera. Bang. Fuck. Huh, I just realised those could both work as a synonym for sex.
