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10:30 am Busan
"Oh no I'm going to -- "
I clutch at my own sweater, twisting the thick fabric, taming my unruly heart.
Attempting to --
I'm attempting to tame; reign in and comfort. Hoping the more I twist and the tighter I clasp, the better it'll sooth.
Sooth the ache and settle the pain.
I press the knot I've made lock hard against the center of my chest. Close to my heart. Near where it's tender.
Twist - tight.
Sooth the ache and settle my pain.
"Please don't" the words aren't mine.
I look to the sky and blink a million.
I'm trying not to.
"If you do then I will as well"
I'm really trying not to.
I'm really trying not --
My chin trembles.
To -
My lungs fill.
Cry -
And I scream, a silent scream.
A ridiculous cry. The muted kind. The one when your mouth opens into a frown... sort of ugly like. And then usually, with the ends of your lips pulled down, tears run.
Picture that.
Mouth open and tears spilling.
Now picture me like that.
Ugly crying - emotions completely unleashed.
Truly -- in the spirit of unleashing, the heavy cascade runs free. Tears wild. Venting what words can not.
I lost.
I didn't want to cry, but I have, I am. So I've lost.
Beaten by my awe-inspiring ability to love too much.
"Jennie" Lisa whines.
"I know"
I squeeze my face together, as if to seal my broken heart and plug my weeping tear ducts.
