Safe

-51- Get Up

Holt Lincoln

We're currently doing some drill. At the sound of Coach Mo's whistle I jump straight into a push up, my chest almost touching the ground before I repeat the motion four more times only to spring back up in time to catch the ball that's hurtling at me. The whistle blows again and I shove the ball from my chest, not getting to see whether Ryan makes it up in time to catch the ball.

"One more minute!" Coach Mo shouts as my feet land flat on the ground again.

Ryan didn't catch the ball, passing it to me as Coach Mo shouts his name and I see him tilt his head back in agony before he drops. My hands wrap around the ball just as everyone on my row is passing theirs back. I don't have a choice, knowing I need to pass the ball to keep pace but I feel bad for Ryan. So I wait, until he makes it almost through his fifth push up before I send the ball. Everyone in my row is starting to stand, preparing to catch when I drop.

I pound out five push ups, my arms shaking and my chest heaving as sweat drips from all the points of my body. Everyone's dropping again when I get the ball back. I wait again, hoping my decision doesn't make Coach Mo mad.

"Faster Ryan! 30 seconds!"

But Ryan doesn't go faster, he does the opposite and flops to the ground.

"Did I say stop?!" Coach Mo bellows.

I jerk, stretching my hand down toward the ground hoping my mind can conjure up Blue to remind me where I'm at. But he's not here and I'm left with my very poor coping skills to keep me grounded.

"No sir!" Ryan shouts.

"Five push ups and then catch the ball!" Coach Mo shouts. "Get up!"

I suck in a breath, my mind warping my surroundings, mingling with the basement until I'm not sure where one starts and the other ends.

"GET UP!" He screams.

The air shifts around me, damp and musty like the basement and a chill settles in my bones. His boots scrap against the cement floor as he circles me like prey. I feel sick to my stomach and desperate as I wait but I can't for the life of me manage to stand.  There's no air in my lungs, fire alight in my ribs.

His face appears beside mine, distorted with sick amusement as he forces me to look at him.

He growls at me, spit hitting my face as he shouts "I SAID GET UP!"

                              ————————

I get to bring Blue to therapy. Mrs. Lincoln showed up at practice with him and it took all I had not to run to him. I'd already made enough of a scene at practice I didn't need to add to it.

But I haven't let him go since. Clutching to him like he was my life raft.

"I'll be here when you get out." Mrs. Lincoln tells me with a smile.

Nodding my head, I lead Blue to Dr. Aldrich's office where's she's standing at the door for me.   I've got a lot of on my mind, most of which keeps threatening to pull me to the basement but I'm ready to be rid of it so before my butt even hits the chair I'm talking.

"I had a panic attack at practice." I tell her. "I also think I like Birdie. And an article got posted about the team and they know why I went to juvy."

I'm not usually this forth coming but if I've taken Dr. Aldrich by surprise she hides it well. Normally it takes her the entire session to pull information from me. But as I was regaining my bearings after my panic attack I realized that all I wanted to do was get to therapy so I could unload it all on Dr. Aldrich and have her sort through it for me seems how I'm incapable of doing it myself.

My heart is starting to pound hard, anxiety creeping through me at my outburst and I reach for Blue. I don't know if he can just tell or if whoever left him in the backyard was like me too. Though I doubt it's the later, I wouldn't be able to leave Blue anywhere. Leaving every morning for school is hard enough.

Dr. Aldrich sits besides me, her fingers sifting through the puzzle pieces.

"How are you feeling after your panic attack?" She asks.

Exhausted. "Tired."

"And what triggered it?" She asks gently.

I shrug even though I can still hear his voice echoing through my brain.

"Can we talk about something else?" I ask. I'm not quite ready to relive it. Again.

Dr. Aldrich stops to smile at me before she turns her attention back to the puzzle. She hasn't gotten a single piece yet and neither have I. I haven't even looked at the puzzle.

"What made you realize you had feelings for Birdie that went beyond friendship?" She asks.

A smile pulls at the corners of my mouth, my hand still petting Blue who's got his head in my lap under the table.

"If you met her you'd get it." I tell Dr. Aldrich. "Drew said he thinks she likes me too."

"How does that make you feel?"

I nudge a couple pieces around with my fingertips. The thought that Birdie might like me even though I'm a disaster makes me happy. It makes my heart pound but in a good way, excitement bubbling up inside me before his voice squashes it out. Reminding me all that he's done, that I'll never truly escape him. I can't let anyone close, not even her. Why would I do that to her.

The smile falls from my face as I mumble "I don't know."

I stick a piece in the puzzle, my mind losing focus on the task in front of me as anger rushes through me.

"It's not like I could date her." I admit bitterly. "I'm too messed up."

                                ———————

I'm trying hard to keep daily updates coming but this story has me stressed 😂.  I've got a lot of things that have to come together and every time I try and lay stuff out I'm just like "who the fuck planned all this?" And then I have to remind myself that it was me. That I did this to myself 😭. Wish me luck and cross your fingers that I can keep scraping through chapters.