Safe

-62- A First Kiss

Hannah "Birdie"Morrison

"I know how stupid this is." Holt says. "Feel free to tell me no."

"What is it?" I push.

He lets out a strained sigh, glancing around my room before his brown eyes meet mine.

"I-I I've thought about what you said. If I'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life." His head drops and I can't believe that after all these months this is still on his mind. "I've never even kissed someone."

I'm not following, so I just sit there and wait for him to continue.

"I still mean what I said, I can't. But I...just want my first kiss to be with someone I trust." His voice is so quiet, so uncertain I have to strain to hear his words.

"You want me to be your first kiss?" I'm taken aback and Holt mistakes my shock for something else.

His head shakes, his voice a little urgent like maybe he might be starting to panic. "It's stupid. I'm sorry."

I push myself off my bed, taking a step or two toward Holt. "It's not stupid. You can kiss me."

His chest is rising and falling faster than normal, his brown eyes wide and full of fear and my heart hurts for him. That this idea of being close to someone is so terrifying. The night I kissed Ty, my first kiss, I hadn't put any thought into it. I was doing it for selfish reasons. It had been nothing to lean across the console of his car and kiss him.

"Are you sure?" He asks.

I smile slightly, his concern touching but honestly I'm more worried about him. "Yes, are you?"

His head nods, a tight slightly spastic movement from all his anxiety that's clearly building. I very slowly take a step closer making sure to leave several inches between us.

I watch his eyes dance around my face, his jaw tight as he swallows hard.

"I'm scared." He admits.

"I won't touch you, okay?" And just to prove my point, I fold my fingers together behind my back.

Our eyes lock as he shifts ever so slightly toward me, my heart beating hard in my chest. I like Holt, a lot, even though I know I shouldn't. He's told me not to wait. That he's not sure he'll ever be ready. I'm not waiting, not really. But maybe I'm doing this for slightly selfish reasons. I'm not completely sure if that reason is to hopefully feel nothing once we kiss or to finally get to kiss him.

He closes his eyes first, his lips almost touching mine before I hear his breathing catch and he takes a step back.

"I'm sorry." He apologizes, his hands running through his hair as he searches my room.

"It's okay."

I don't move from where I am, watching as he takes a few deep breaths.

"C-can I try again?"

Nodding my head, he once again comes to me. His brown eyes swirling with emotions I can't keep up with.

"It's okay." I tell him again and he nods slightly letting out a breath that tickles my face.

This time I close my eyes before he does, my heartbeat nearly bursting through the my veins as I anticipate his kiss.

It's timid and gentle and as badly as I want to pull him closer I don't, keeping my hands laced behind me.

He pulls back slightly but I can still feel the warmth of his exhales. I crack my eyes open peering through the little slivers at him. His forehead wrinkled, eyes pinched shut, jaw tight like whatever is going on in his mind is causing him physical pain.