Safe

-55- Best Friends

Holt Lincoln

"Do you like me?" She looks down at the floor as she speaks.

It's not that I don't like Birdie. If everything was different, if I was normal, nothing would be holding me back. At least I think.

"It's got nothing to do with that." I tell her.

Her hazel eyes meet mine and I'm waiting for her to lash out at me but it doesn't happen.

"Then what is it?"

My chest instantly tightens, an uneasy pit opening in my stomach threatening to swallow me whole. But she deserves answers, she always has I've just never gave them to her.

"I should have told you this sooner." I shift on my feet, staring at the wood floor in my room to keep me grounded. "Maybe you already know, your dad does."

"Know what?"

I can't look at her, he's already trying to whisper in my mind, take control. I stretch my hand down looking for Blue but he's not there.

"I wasn't just beat."

A chill runs up my spine, memories of his hands on me, touching me, hurting me, flood my mind. I wrap my arms around myself, hoping she doesn't change her mind about me. That she doesn't think I'm disgusting, that I'm pathetic because I couldn't stop him. That at one point I just gave up and stopped fighting back.

"He raped me." The words are strangled, distorted with fear and disgust. "Constantly, for years."

She doesn't say anything but I can hear her sniffle.

"I just...I can't be there like I should be. I can't get him out of my head." I pace the floor, my hands raising to fist in my hair as I hear his voice growing louder in my head. "Anytime someone's close all I can feel is him Birdie." I'm desperate for her to understand, this need for her to realize just how messed up I am. That even if I wanted too, I don't know if I'll ever be ready. And I'm not going to ask her to wait for me to find out. We're just kids. I plant my feet, looking up at her, she's just a blurry figure as I try to blink back tears. "I can't be there like someone else can, like Ty. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to."

"So what? You're just going to be alone for the rest of your life?" She asks, voice thick with tears.

I feel like a jerk. I'm mad at myself, at the fact that I can't just move on. That he rules my life still. I'm mad that I'm obviously hurting Birdie. That I'm scared to be touched. I'm mad I can't be normal.

I shrug slightly, I haven't thought about the rest of my life. It's hard to when just day to day is a struggle to get through. Moments like now reminding me how ill equipped I am to handle everything. Blue's footsteps sound on the wood floor, my door creaking as he nudges it open and I reach for him. His tongue slaps against my hand but I need him closer so I drop to my knee and wrap my arms around him.

"Maybe. I don't know." I confess, my face partially buried in Blue's fur. "I just know right now even if I wanted to, I can't."

She doesn't say anything and the longer she goes in silence the more anxious I become. Birdie is one of the few people I trust. She was one of the first people I trusted. I need Birdie in my life. She grounds me, she's patient with me. She's my best friend.

"Please don't be mad at me." I beg.

I'm too afraid to shift my eyes from the floor, afraid that when I do I'll see that she is in fact mad. That I've broken our friendship. That I've hurt her.

But then she sighs. "I'm not mad at you Holt."

I don't necessarily believe her as I clear my throat and ask "really?".

She lets out this small laugh that's really more of a sigh but it's that content happy sound that she has like it's supposed to be completely obvious that she's not at all mad.

"Yes really. I understand." She says and I finally muster the courage to look at her.

"You do?"

She nods her head, folding her legs beneath her as she pats the spot next to her. Untangling myself from Blue I sit obediently even though I'm anxious and my body doesn't want to be still. Blue leaps on to my bed after me and I give myself the slight reprieve of petting him.

"I'm sorry that happened." Her voice is quiet as she studies me.

"Me too." I'm mad he happened at all. "Friends?"

"Best friends." She smiles, that bright smile that is slowly starting to find its way back to her after all these months.

My own smile tugs at my face but it's never more than a smirk as I repeat her words. "Best friends."

We sit there on my bed, Blue climbing over my lap to try and get Birdie to pet him too. His plan works and he lets out a sigh as he lays his head in her lap. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she smiles down at Blue, petting the line that cuts his face in half with her finger. Her smile slowly fades from her face, her hand growing slower and suddenly she looks up at me.

"Thank you for telling me Holt."

I don't hold her gaze though, dropping my eyes back down as I nod. I hate that I have anything to tell.

Birdie leans closer, her dark hair spilling onto my shirt before I feel the weight of her head drop to my shoulder. I dig my fingers deeper into Blue's fur, telling myself that I'm here, that I'm with Birdie and Blue in my room. At home. That I'm no longer Holt Jacobs. That I have a family.

I tell myself that I'm safe.

                               ————————

So.

Here's the deal.

Don't be mad.

I might have found the end of this book. And it might be in like three or four chapters. This is your warning for me to pull a fast one on you like I did in Owen and Mina. Sometimes endings just hit you, ya know? I wasn't prepared either.