Safe

-60- Mom

Kendra Lincoln

I tug at the maternity dress I have on, my stomach so large even the dress is snug. It's been an exhausting day. An exhausting last few months.

But hopefully it's coming to an end and I'm grateful that I was able to be here. I was worried today would be the day that I'd go into labor. But the little princess apparently isn't ready to meet the world quite yet.

"We will be in touch." Our lawyer stretches his hand across the table and I shake it.

"Thank you."

I smile, gathering my things as I look to Holt. He's been stressed about pressing charges. I don't blame him but I can't help but wish him peace through this process.

Investigators have been gathering evidence for what seems like an eternity considering Holt gave them names. He knew the name of the teacher he told, the one that unknowingly to Holt was friends with Austin. He remembered the name of the officer he assaulted, the precinct he was in even. He gave them dates and locations and details of everything. They didn't even have to open his file, he sat there a panicked mess and laid out every awful detail of his life.

All the way from his mother's untimely death, to being pulled from his grandfather's care because he fell sick with dementia. To the foster home that sent him back for being difficult, to the next foster home that he was pulled from. To finding out his father didn't know he was alive and didn't care, rotting away in jail for embezzlement and drug charges. Which opened the door to his aunt and Austin. And ultimately made him run away only to be picked up for stealing food after being on the streets for over a week. And then juvy. And finally to us.

"Ready honey?"

He sucks in a breath, his eyes meeting mine and like every other time we've met with the lawyers, or a cop or a doctor, he looks rattled and terrified.

"Are you hungry?" I ask. "Your sister is."

She's always hungry.

He stands, his movements a little robotic and I catch his hand stretching down to the ground. Blue never fails, pressing his head into Holt's hand.

"What do you think Blue, should we go get some food?" I ask the dog and his tail wags violently behind him. "I'd say that's a yes."

I head for the doors, leading Holt and Blue through the building and out into the sunshine. For a moment I think about asking Holt where he wants to go but then I remember a place we stumbled upon. A small whole in the wall restaurant with the most amazing food and quiet atmosphere and they didn't make a fuss about Blue.

Holt doesn't question me as I take off for the couple block walk to the restaurant. He trails behind me slightly, causing me to check over my shoulder frequently. I'm always worried something's going to trigger a panic attack and I'm not going to notice, continuing on my trek, abandoning him.

It's one of my biggest fears.

I smile at someone who points at Blue, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over him. It's a common occurrence because of his unique face. Shortly after we got him, I got him an emotional service animal vest for when he's out in public. It's amazing how even with the vest on, people ignore it. Blue is our pet but he also has a job. And right now he's working.

By the time we reach the restaurant Holt looks a little more settled, even giving me that small smile that I love as we sit down at an open table.

"I like this place." He tells me.

"Me too." I say warmly.

I love these moments with Holt. He's slowly becoming less afraid, a little bolder. I know that his experiences have shaped him, that there's somethings he'll never lose. But I can see him taking great strides to overcome his past and I love being able to be there with him, to see it.

"In therapy, the other day, Dr. Aldrich and I were talking about Drew's trip." He says.

"What'd you come up with?" I glance up at him briefly, just to gauge his anxiety.

He shrugs his shoulders, his eyes focused on the menu but I don't miss the shift of his shoulders as he reaches down for Blue.

I wait patiently. I've slowly picked up on things over the past several months and when Holt is ready to talk about something he brings it up willingly. Like now. And even though he's slow to work through it all, he'll get there.

"I'm scared." He admits after a minute, whispering the words to the menu.

I've been trying not to seem like I'm focusing on him but with his admission I can't help it, setting my menu down.

"What are you afraid of?"

I think Drew's trip is a great idea, though the mother in me is worried about letting my son go road tripping with his best friend. Drew's parents are putting stress on him about going to college, apparently Drew hasn't even applied to one. I overheard Drew telling Holt that he told his dad he'd go to a community college in the fall, having missed the deadline for everything else. But before he loses his freedom he wanted to take a road trip. I love Drew and the free spirit that he is, and I hope some of his adventurous nature rubs off on Holt. Holt needs to explore, to experience that life is good, that everything doesn't have a negative consequence. I think maybe this trip could help.

He picks at the corner of the menu. "To leave."

My eyes trail over his face, his dark hair that try as I might to remind him of a haircut we always seems to forget but I actually rather like it that way. The angles of his face, he's filled out some since he came to us. I've often wondered all that Holt went through in Austin's care. Was he fed properly, was he clothed, did he have a room or was the basement all he knew.

"I-I'm scared to leave you." His jaw trembles, brown eyes meeting mine filled to the brim with tears. "I don't want to not feel safe."

My ability to hold my own tears back doesn't exist but I resist the urge to reach for him across the table.

"Sweetheart I will always be here, okay?" He nods his head. "It doesn't matter if you still live at home or are miles and miles away, I will be there if you need me."

Little by little it's taking less to reassure him, I hope it means that he's finally starting to fully trust us. He gives me that small smile, wiping at his face. I let out a chuckle, dabbing my mascara with a napkin.

"Maybe one day I'll make it through a conversation without crying, what do you think?" I ask him, poking fun at myself.

He laughs through his nose but doesn't say anything, amusement in his eyes. We both go back to searching the menu and I'm just about to comment on the whereabouts of our waiter when Holt says something that sends me straight back into tears.

"I love you mom."

                             ————————

I keep going back and forth on the last chapter. Is it necessary, do we need it. I'm unsure. But it's coming fast 😱.