Kingdom of Loathing

Chapter 33: The Wand of Nagmar

Hey, Kiwi here.

I had to make this chapter about 200 words shorter than average because I wanted a strong finale and a good place to seperate. This series will most likely be finished next chapter, and I'd like to thank you all in advance for staying with me for so long!

There was a face. A face in the air. Cassidy's vision was blurry and her hearing felt like there were a thousand muffled shouts around her, but she could see someone calling out to her.

The face came closer. It was a woman, with a thin face, olive brown curls, and striking blue eyes. It reminded her of the sea. She mouthed words but they were inaudible.

Then, another face appeared. This time, it was a hooded woman with long hair and dark, menacing eyes. She opened her mouth to speak as well, but no sound came out.

Cassidy's vision began to clear. She could see the faces more closely, but she still couldn't hear anything. Her vision wavered like a dizzy person when finally, all her senses felt like a drain being unplugged and all the water gushing out.

The faces were now so clear. They were yelling, raising their voices, demanding her to get up. The first face grabbed Cassidy's shoulders and shook her hard. And then-

"Hey. Hey, Boss. WAKE UP!"

Cassidy's eyelids shot up with a start. Above her, she saw Frank's floating skull over her face.

"Frank! It's you!"

Then, she frantically glanced around.

"How am I alive?"

"It looks like you're lying on a mattress there, Chief. Did you have an inflatable in your backpack?"

"I don't think so..."

Sitting up slowly, Cassidy opened up her backpack to see that all of her items were pretty much gone. Then, she realized that they had all been blown out onto the area around her.

Picking up her items, she ran off a mental checklist of the items that she had stashed in the first layer of her backpack. Pasta spoon, check. Basic healing items, check. Teleportation crystal, check. Back-up dagger, check.

After running through all the items, she realized one item was missing: The Holy Macguffin. Where could it have gone?

Hopping off the mattress, Cassidy checked all around her for any signs of the strange object but found nothing. Then, as she was getting up, she spotted a symbol on the side of the mattress. It was the symbol that was on the Holy Macguffin. So that's what happened.

"I never thought that convenient plot-device would turn into something that would save my life at the last moment," she shrugged. "but I guess that's the job of macguffins anyway."

Slinging her backpack over her shoulder, Cassidy strode up to Frank and asked, "So, what now? Do we go back up there or do we get a new plan?"

"I dunno, Chief," Frank frowned. "It isn't a good idea to just march up and challenge her again, but did you notice something strange about her sausage form?"

"Me? Notice anything?" Cassidy scoffed, sticking her hands on her hips. "You're asking me if I noticed anything weird while I was getting my ass handed to me by a magical floating sausage that used to be a woman and then was briefly a big tentacle monster? Because no. That's pretty much a normal day for me."

Then, she crossed her arms.

"Why, did you notice anything?"

"It's just that... it was in all caps," Frank explained.

"All whats?"

"Y'know, all caps. Like all her attacks were all capital letters.

"How the hell would I notice that? Unlike you, I don't break the fourth wall whenever I want to. Wait, shit, I just did."

"Maybe you... didn't see it the way I did," Frank replied with an implied face palm. "but I've got a feeling I know somebody -- a former somebody, at least -- who could probably help us with this. Guy named Nagamar. He was a wizard, back in my day, and he had this wand that did weird stuff with words. He always said he wanted to be buried with it, and I'll betcha anything that's exactly what happened. We should head to the cemetery and check."

"You mean the cemetary?" Cassidy corrected.

"No, it's spelled with an... huh. Yeah, it definitely sounds like Nagamar is there."

"So... our next step is grave robbery?" Cassidy snorted.

"Don't act like you're above it, Boss."

"Alrighty then. Let's get going."

***

As Cassidy and Frank approached the Misspelled Cemetary, her vision began to swim as she passed a peculiar tombstone. It almost looked like it says PRI instead of RIP.

Cassidy felt a new type of emotion as she approached the grave. Probably how it would feel like to smoke weed. Or snort crack. Or both at the same time.

Unconsciously leaning against the stone, she saw some HOT GRAVY UTENSILS. Cassidy didn't know what the hell HOT GRAVY UTENSILS were, but somebody must have been here recently if the utensils were still hot.

But that can't be right. Slapping her face a few times, Cassidy refocused her vision and found out that there was actually a GIANT RUSTY SHOVEL. She grabbed it, immediately knowing that she needed it for her next task: HUGE VAPID EGRET. How does she know all this stuff?

Reaching out towards the conveniently placed egret, Cassidy tried to give it a hug but it was so vapid that it didn't even take note of her gesture. It flew off as soon as she got too close.

Gah, what the hell am I doing?!

Shaking her head, Cassidy grabbed the utensi- NO! She snatched up the shovel and DUG UP THE GRAVE. After six feet of digging, she unearthed AN IFFY TACO NOG. She didn't know how she could tell it was iffy, a taco, or nog.

A thought repeated through her mind, and she began to chant it out loud.

"I should not drink the taco nog in those candles. It looks really iffy. I should not drink the taco nog in those candles. It looks really iffy. I should not-"

"You okay there, Chief?" Frank asked, concerned.

Snapping out of her trance, Cassidy turned around to be started by an ORNATE MAHOGANY COFFIN. For some god-forsaken reason, she decided to pry open the coffin and revealed A MAGNATE'S SNORKEL.

Her vision stayed blurry, as if her mind was clogged up by swabs of cotton balls.

"Keep it together, Boss."

She pried the coffin open once more to reveal NAGAMAR'S SKELETON, clutching a simple wooden wand. Shaking her head to clear it, Cassidy gingerly snatched it up, shoved it in her backpack, and stood up.

"Let's get out of this place. I feel as high as a skyscraper."

Then, she left the gravesite as fast as her two legs could carry her.

***

Cassidy and Frank stepped back at the base of the tower, where the doors were wide open. It was almost as if the Sorceress was inviting them back in for a rematch- for a new play session.

"You ready, Boss?" Frank asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

"That's what you said last time."

"The past doesn't matter."

Clutching the wand in her hand, Cassidy dashed through the doorway and restarted her ascent up the twirling staircase once more.