18. Expecting the Unexpected

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"Oh my god."

There are moments in our lives that change everything. Moments when you think you have life figured out, when you're so unbelievably comfortable with where you're at and then something unexpected happens that throws everything off kilter.

This was one of those moments.

Staring back at me were three positive pregnancy tests.

"Oh my god" I repeat, bracing myself against the counter as I try to calm myself down. This couldn't be happening. I had just gotten the lead-. I stop myself, lifting my head to look at myself in the mirror. The selfishness ended now. I was pregnant and that meant that my life didn't solely belong to me anymore.

I put my hand against my stomach where it surely doesn't look like I'm pregnant. I slowly attempt math in my head and figure that I'm only a couple weeks at most. Josh hasn't been gone that long.

Josh.

His career. His dreams. Josh shouldn't have to be tied down with a baby just as his music is taking off.

Tears well in my eyes. He'll want to keep it...and maybe I do too. Which scares the hell out of me. Just a few minutes ago I was praying for these tests to be negative so that I could pursue my dreams...and sure if I put the baby up for adoption I still could but the thought of someone else raising my baby physically pains me. And not having it all wasn't an option. I wouldn't hear of it.

I sit back on the ground, where I was this morning and breathe. I needed to remember to do that. "You have horrible breath control." That's what that dumbass had said the other day. I wish I would've known I was pregnant then so I could've told him that the baby was causing the issue. The baby. Josh and I were having a baby...and now I had to tell him.

How exactly do you tell your long-distance boyfriend that your goodbye sex resulted in a human? "Well not like that" I tell myself. Would it be better to just text him? I could send him a picture of the tests. Or I could call him. "Hi baby, how was the studio today...oh that's great by the way you're going to be a father." Maybe not. I needed to do it face to face. Which was going to mean leaving New York for a few days...which meant planning. Which meant in the meantime I couldn't tell him which was going to kill me.

The only comfort was that Josh wanted kids. He was always clear about that though neither of us wanted them now. Now was horrible timing. Now, I had to figure out where my dreams stood and I needed to do it soon.

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I'm feeling better by the time Riley is home, well physically speaking. Emotionally, I'm exhausted. I've been ignoring Josh's calls all day and trying to weigh my options where dance was concerned. And on top of that, now I had to tell Riley she was going to have a new cousin. Ugh. I wanted to be with Josh but I did not want to be Riley's aunt. "Feeling better?" she asks, taking off her coat and hanging it beside the door.

I bite my lip. "Sort of. Do you have a minute?" She nods, coming to take a seat beside me on the couch. I take a deep breath, bracing myself for this potentially ending horribly. Would she be mad? Disappointed? Would she move out? I couldn't do this alone and I had already decided that I wouldn't ask Josh to come home. "So um remember this morning when you suggested that...that I could be pregnant?"

She chuckles, nodding her head. "Yes. But I was just kidding. Maya, you aren't preg-." I cut her off by handing her the three tests from the table behind me. All three still showing positive results clear as day.

The words get caught in her throat as she stares at them, continuously opening her mouth to speak before closing it again. Finally, she looks up from the tests and stares at me intently. "You're pregnant."

"Evidently so" I breathe out, running my fingers through my hair. "And I know, I know it's bad and I have no idea what I'm going to do" I ramble, staring at my best friend intently as tears form behind my eyes. "But I do know that I need my best friend right now."

And I don't know what I'm expecting her to do after that but as she sets the tests down on the table and wraps her arms around me, I let out a choked sob, overcome with emotion. My best friend knew that I screwed up and she was still here. "It's gonna be okay" she whispers, running her hands soothingly down my back. "Don't cry." She holds me for a long time, so long that time seems endless until I finally calm down and pull away from her, wiping beneath my eyes. She moves her hand to my leg. "I take it he doesn't know" she fills in and I shake my head, confirming her thoughts. "Honey-."

"I have to tell him" I nod, cutting her off. "I know. Trust me. But I can't tell him something like this over the phone. I need to do it face to face." I release a shaky breath. "I have to go to LA."

"Okay. I understand where you're coming from but what about your Clara role? What about school? You can't just up and leave to go across the country."

"Riles" I sigh, standing up while she stays seated on the couch. "Dancing is gonna be a little hard when I'm nine months pregnant, looking like I swallowed a watermelon."

Her eyebrows furrow. "What are you saying? That you're just done? After fighting so hard for this? Dancing is your dream, you said so yourself over and over again. It's why you didn't follow Josh." My head is spinning as she speaks, mostly because she's right and the guilt of it all is killing me. To admit out loud that I was willing to potentially lose Josh to pursue my dream and to now say that I'd give it all up for our baby. It sounded awful.

"I knew he wouldn't leave" I explain, shrugging my shoulders as if the words aren't tearing me apart but it's the truth I've been living with for months now. "Josh loves me and I knew that we could do distance. I was selfish, knowing that I could have both but I can't have this baby-." I get choked up again, placing my hand on my stomach, knowing that inside there's an innocent, perfect baby growing. "I can't have it without giving up dancing. And I'd be naïve to think otherwise."

"So that's it?" She asks, throwing her hands up. Here's the anger I'd been expecting. "Your dream is obsolete while Josh gives up nothing!"

"Riley-."

"No" she shouts, stepping back from me. "It's bullshit and you know it. He needs to know and I swear to god, if you don't ask him to come home-."

"How can I?" I cry. "He's living his dream-."

"And he screwed up, Maya!" She continues, her voice only getting louder. "You didn't get knocked up by a damn stork! If you're willing to walk away from everything for this baby, he better be too or you may need to think of your options. Seriously." And then she's grabbing her coat and I'm scrambling towards her.

"Where are you going?" I ask desperately. She just promised me she wouldn't leave me and now that was exactly what was happening.

"I need air" she explains simply, opening the front door. "And you need to get some rest. I'll see you later." And then she's gone, leaving me alone in my small apartment with nothing but my thoughts. 

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