Écarté (Lost Birds Book 4)

Part 1 Sleeping

            I felt the bed dip as one of the guys sank down next to me. They had been doing that on and off for the last couple days. Each one of them would come in and spend a couple hours just laying next to me. Occasionally they would try to talk but when I didn't respond or went back to sleep they would let it go.

"Hey sleepy girl." Cam's gentle voice murmured.

His fingers smoothed down between my eye brows and along the bridge of my nose as he called to me. I didn't stir. I kept my breaths even and my eyes shut. I didn't want to face him or any of the guys. 

I couldn't. 

Not after what I had done. I was so ashamed of what I had done the night my father beat me. I knew there would be consequences and I was being a coward. I was hiding form everything and pretending that I would deal with it later, when I woke up. The problem was that I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to get up and deal with the disaster I had created.

"Tor, I know you're awake and I know you're still hurting but you've got to get up sweet girl." Cam whispered.

His fingers continued their gentle caress. He shifted to smooth them across one brow and then the other. His hand moved up to rest on my head while leaving his thumb to brush down across my forehead in soothing strokes.

"Tao is a mess. He's torn the bikes apart and he's not rebuilding anything. Another day or so and he's going to go after the cars. We really need those which means we really really need your help handling him." Cam paused.

I could feel his eyes searching my face for any sign of acknowledgement. I gave him none. I couldn't help Tao. I couldn't even help myself.

"Theo's constantly on the phone fielding calls from the academy. They are desperate to meet you and to know what happened." Cam said.

I didn't want to meet anyone. I didn't want to risk hurting anyone else.

"Aydan and Sab are fighting..."

This one made me tense.

"It's not fisticuffs but it's a lot of yelling and a lot of "training". They've drawn blood on each other a few times. I don't know if I should get between them or let them hash it out. They're both so angry."

Sab was always angry so there was no surprise there but to hear that Aydan was angry enough to physically fight with Sab was concerning. It didn't make any sense to me. I knew Aydan had been upset over what happened. All the guys were which was again my fault. But for him to be this angry was shocking. I didn't understand why. The only way to find out was to ask and if I didn't ask the question would be burned into my mind. It would be impossible to sleep which was all I really wanted to do.

"Why?" My voice came out hoarse from lack of use and I had to cough at the unfamiliar scratchy sensation.

Cameron's thumb paused for a moment in surprise that I had spoken. He resumed the movement before trying to answer my question.

"It's how we cope. Theo throws himself into work. Tao builds, or in this case destroys things. Aydan trains, like MMA training. And Sab will usually shoot things but since he's the only one that can keep up with Aydan they usually spar together. And I focus on them, what they need, and what I can do to help. It helps us all keep our minds off of what's going on." Cam said.

"What's going on?" I allowed my eyes to open with my question.

Cameron's lips tilted up a fraction as he registered the faint blue peeking out at him.

"I think we're all afraid that we're losing you." He admitted. His flicker of a smile vanished and his eyes saddened immensely.

"We know what happened was traumatizing and horrible. And we know that you're so depressed and then bridge... The academy... Us... We took you away without even asking. This is all our fault and after everything we're afraid that you don't want to be with us anymore." He said.

"What?" My eyes popped open even wider in surprise. After all of my self-pity and wallowing I had never even considered that the guys would think something like this. That they would think what had happened was some how their fault. That they were in the wrong because I was messed up. 

"We turned your life upside down. We popped in and ruined everything. We let you go back to an abusive home knowing and adding to the risks. And on top of repeatedly placing you in danger we are asking you to try something that probably sounds impossible because we all selfishly love you and want to keep you no matter the cost." Cam blew out a huff of air and began shaking his head.

"Theo was right. We've been acting like children and we should never have pushed you this quickly. You deserve better. You deserve a better team." Cam sighed.

"I don't want another team." I said. "I just..."

My eyes burned as I tried to find the words I wanted to say. I hadn't cried since the bridge. I was afraid to. The last time I had let my tears flow I had shattered. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I don't deserve to be loved like this." My voice cracked. 

"What?!" Cam whisper yelled. "Of course, you do Tor. Why would you ever think that?"

I kept my eyes closed and didn't bother responding to Cam's question. I couldn't explain and still hold myself together. I wasn't sure I could say anything else and still hold myself together.

"Tor... Come on please... Talk to me." Cam whispered.

I couldn't and I wouldn't. 

I pulled in another slow deep breath. Cameron let out a strangled sigh that threatened to steel my breath away but I still managed to keep my eyes closed.

The sound of the door creaking open was a bit of surprise. Someone stomped toward the bed and Cameron's arm circled around my waist protectively.

"Sab don't." Cam pleaded.

"You tried your way. Now it's mine." Sab growled.

He pulled me out of Cam's arm and out of the bed. I tucked my face into his chest to hide form the light of where ever he was carrying me. Since I had managed to keep my eyes closed I was shocked when I was suddenly lowered and engulfed by warm water, clothes and all.

"Sab!" I gasped.

My eyes flying open as his arms abandoned me in what I quickly discovered to be a bath tub.

"Five minutes or I will come back and wash you myself." Sab seethed and stomped back out of the bathroom without so much as an explanation.

I stared at the almost cloudy bath water. It felt strange to be floating around in my clothes. 

The water stung slightly against my back but it wasn't enough to make me want to climb out. 

"Four minutes." Sab called from the other side of the door.

My eyes widened and I scrambled to get out of the drenched clothes. I had no doubt that if I didn't hurry Sab would stomp back in here and do it for me. 

Authors Note:

Hello readers! 

Posting Book 4 this soon is probably too early. So, I apologize in advance that I may not be able to update as quickly as I did with the previous books. I just felt so bad having chapters ready and not posting them yet. 

Hope you all are more prepared for this than I am!

Enjoy! 

And as always: Thank you for reading!!