Écarté (Lost Birds Book 4)

Part 27 Harm

            My eyes didn't stay open very long and I drifted in and out of the edges of sleep. It seemed like every time I started to slip under Sab or Aydan would order me to open my eyes again. I knew that I should just keep them open but I couldn't seem to do so no matter how hard I tried.

"Tori." Aydan didn't add anything more to his command but I understood what he was asking. With a deep breath I forced my eyes open.

The dark chocolate brown that filled my vision was a bit of a surprise considering Aydan had been the one to command me awake. I blinked through the brain fog and reminded myself that Aydan was the intense heat behind me and Sabbatian was the furnace in front. I shifted hoping to lay on my back instead of my side but someone's hands clamped down on my waist and held me in place.

"Sorry." I said assuming that the sudden grasp was due to me hurting one of them with my moving around.

Sab's eyes narrowed at me. The sudden anger and disapproval he pinned me with made my stomach sink. I knew what he was angry about and though that hadn't been what my apology was for it certainly deserved another . I'd been a complete idiot for running out on the ice like that. They were doing everything they could just to keep me from getting hurt again and here I was being a complete idiot.

"I'm so sorry." I said again and my voice quivered.

I was apologizing to both Aydan and Sabbatian. Sabbatian because I knew he worried about me going out alone and I'd only proven him right by doing so this time and Aydan because I should never have run away from him like that.

The anger in Sab's eyes dimmed just slightly and I knew that he understood it had all been a mistake. He would probably never let me go out on my own again but that was a price I was more than willing to pay if it meant he didn't hate me.

I turned just enough to look up at Aydan over my shoulder. The movement was a little awkward but I had to look at him in order to apologize properly. I needed him to know how serious I was about knowing how wrong I had been.

"I should never have run away from you like that. I'm so sorry." I said.

Aydan's typical disapproval thickened but his eyes didn't darken with anger the way Sab's had. It gave me hope that even if he was upset with me he wouldn't hate me either.

"Why did you?" He asked. One of the arms around my middle shifted, loosened and I felt a brief moment of panic that one of them might leave. I shoved the panic aside and focused on the conversation at hand.

"I needed some time alone and..." And I wasn't really sure exactly what I had been thinking. All I knew at the time was that I needed to be alone.

"And you thought that instead of telling me that it would be better to run out onto a frozen lake?" Aydan raised an eyebrow at me.

I shook my head quickly.

"I didn't know it was there and I... I know it was stupid to run away like that I just..." I closed my eyes and took a slow deep breath. I had to picture the words before I could speak again.

"I panicked and usually when I panic you swoop in and help me feel better but I..." I took another deep breath. "I didn't want to feel better."

The admission made my throat clog up and my eyes burn with fresh tears. How screwed up was I that I had actually wanted to feel like crap? I knew it was because deep down I felt like I deserved. Even with falling in the lake I felt like I deserved it. The only reason I regretted that it had happened was because I didn't want the guys to be upset on my behalf.

"Baby you can't keep punishing yourself for what your parents are doing." Aydan sighed. His words made my stomach sink even further.

"It's not just that." I said. My voice cracked and I curled into Sab to hide my tears.

"Are you sure?" Aydan asked. "If you really think about it is there anything you have done wrong or that's gone wrong that didn't have something to do with your parents? Baby what they do is not on you. It is not your fault."

He was right. Everything seemed to link back to my parents in some way, even if it was just my reactions to certain situations because of the way I was raised. I hated it. I knew Aydan was trying to make me feel better but it seemed to be having the opposite effect. The more he said the more it seemed to hurt. My shoulders shook as I held back what I could of my tears and two sets of arms tightened around me.

"Princessa, you have to fight the guilt or it will crush you." Sab agreed quietly.

I shook my head but didn't lift it or try to argue my side. I didn't even know how to explain how I felt or why I felt the way I did. I just felt awful.

We sat in heavy silence for several minutes. Sab's fingers traced up along my lower back while Aydan's smoothed down over my hair.

"I think we need to find a way for you to exercise more." Aydan said breaking the silence.

His sentence seemed so random and irrelevant that I couldn't hold back a surprised giggle. The giggles helped to push back the lingering tears. I sniffled and wiped at my cheeks as my shoulders still shook slightly with laughter. I turned around to face Aydan.

"I'm serious baby." Aydan said with a soft smile. "You've grown up with a very strict regimen of exercise. Exercise, when done appropriately, can be a healthy substitute for this need to punish yourself. It would allow you time alone, that you clearly desire, and I think it is how you have been dealing with this tendency to self-harm for many years."

"I- I don't self-harm." I said matter-of-factly.

"Maybe but you've intentionally place yourself into harmful situations and chosen to prolong your emotional anguish which is certainly not self-care." Aydan pointed out.

My lips parted in surprise as I considered his words. Maybe what I was doing was a form of self-harm. I did occasionally choose to place myself in dangerous situations but I had assumed that it was because I wanted to help. Now I wasn't so sure that helping was the only reason.

"It's worth a try. If it helps then you have a safe and healthy outlet and if not we can always reach out to Chloe for assistance." Aydan said.

I gulped and nodded.

"Besides, punishing you is supposed to be my job." Sab said flashing me a delicious smirk that made my heart flip around in my chest.

"Sabbatian." Aydan warned.

Sab's smirk darkened. His hand shifted and then a few of his fingers traced a blazing path up my thigh as he leaned toward me.

"I suppose it is our job." Sab corrected against my ear.

I gulped again.

The last lingering chill from falling through the ice seemed to vanish amongst the boiling beneath my skin. I shifted a little hoping to relieve the sudden heat. There was no resistance anywhere on my body except for Aydan's arm and Sab's hand. My breath caught. I didn't have a scrap of clothing on and somehow, I hadn't even noticed until now.