Dont Wanna Live That Life (Tony X Reader)

08. Diary

Iris fell asleep on the way back. Curled up tight in a ball dressed only in Steve's shirt. Tony carried her inside, placing her gently on her bed. When Jamie ran in he pressed his finger to his lips. She copied him. "Mommy's sleeping." He whispered. "She's very teird." Jamie nodded brightly.

"Where's daddy?" She whispered back. As she said it Bucky walked past, she dodged round Tony to hug him. "Will you read me a story?" She asked resting her forehead on his.

"Yes of course, but in my room. Give mommy some peace." Bucky shifted Jamie into one hip. "Hey Tony, Pepper told me Caden's asleep in the living room. In case she wakes up." He said jerking his head to Iris's sleeping form.

"Why would I be here when she wakes up?" Tony said raising his eyes.

"I want you to stay with her, after a mission in Hydra she'd always wake up with a nightmare, their more likely after she's killed. Understandably." Tony nodded slowly, sitting in the chair, he pulled his phone out. Bucky grinned and crept away.

Tony pulled up some holograms and started designing. Sure enough like Bucky said, Iris sat up screaming. Panting hard, sweat dripping from her head. Tony swiftly dropped what he was doing and slid onto the bed, holding her hands softly. "Hey, its alright I'm here." He whispered into the dark. He could just about see the outline of her face.

"Tony?" She muttered. "Where are the kids?" She said squeezing his hands subconsciously as she panicked a little.

"Jamie's with Bucky. And Caden fell asleep in the living room. Their okay love." Iris nodded, trying to take some deep breaths. "Do you want to talk about it?" She shook her head. "I know what it feels like you know? To suffer from the PTSD." Iris glanced up at him.

"I always knew there was more to you." She muttered. Tony frowned. "More than everyone else sees. Someone hidden deep behind your mask of sarcastic comments. And the relentless drinking." Tony gulped, but said nothing. "I see through it you know? I see you." She moved her hand placing it over his arc reactor.

"Yeah sure whatever." Tony said with a scoff. "I'm a heartless being." He said it as a joke but she saw the layers of pain lacing through the comment. She pinched him hard. "Ow! What was that for?" She smirked.

"See you felt that didnt you?" Tony nodded. She lent closer her breath hitting his neck. "You can feel this cant you?" He shivered. "Your human Stark, like the rest of us." She brought her lips closer to his neck but he pulled himself away. She sighed.

"I'll hurt you Iris." He did standing up. "Just stay away. I'm not your guy. I dont sleep i drink. I'm a dickhead." Iris bit her lip as he stood up. "I'll get Steve he can stay with you or Bucky if your gonna have another nighma--"

"You know." She said cutting across him. "My one problem with Steve? He's a little too perfect. He has a heart of gold, a beautiful appearance and personality. I never felt I could compare to him. I have faults bucket loads of them. Peggy was more his style. Selfless, brave." Tony didnt leave but he didnt sit back down either.

"It would always be me, panicking, crying having nightmares, breakdowns. Doing stupid shit because i feel down. It would always be me that started the arguments when I'm pissed. Always him that gave in first. It would be him that would be bent over backwards trying to save my stupid ass. The girl I was before the war was for Steve. This person? I dont even know fully who she is."

She pushed her hair from her eyes. "All I know is I'm a mother, my life revolves around those kids. But somethings missing, I need someone to remind me why I'm living. Someone that ignites that excitement that adrenaline. The butterflies. I need someone who I'm not constantly putting myself next to and thinking I shouldnt be here. I want to do something for me. I need someone to make me feel alive."