Melting Ice

Chapter 38

I'm discharged the next morning, taking anger control medication. I have to tell Cato, but how? My head is spinning again by the time we get back home.
Cato insists on helping me in, even though I'm very capable of that.
"What happens if you fall?", is one of the many things he has been saying on the walk back.
"I'm fine", I would say smiling, "I have you".
We sit on the couch together, my legs draped over his, our hands holding each other tightly.
"I love you", I say breaking the silence, "Don't ever forget that". My hand gently brushes his soft golden hair.
"How could I? Your the best thing that has ever happened to me", he pauses, "Your hair is wet". Cato runs his hand through it softly, making me shiver slightly at his touch.
"That's what happens when you wash it", I joke.
"Looks nice", he says.
"Yeah...", I trail off, "Never leave me", I blurt out.
"Why would I do that?", he laughs.
"Because I'm not sane, because there many girls out there who would please you better". He hand was still in my damp hair. I feel him lift it up slightly, as if examining it's limpness; his breath tickled the side of my neck as I wait for an answer.
"I will love you as long as there are stars in the sky. It may not always show, but it's always there". It's like one of those quotes from a really cute love story. Something that people would use as their own, perhaps in another book.
I feel my eyes become damp, I feel stupid, "I don't know what I say now". Why am I crying? I blame to meds.
"You could kiss me?", he says. I don't object as I reach out and tightly pressed my body against his, our mouths like one. Cato runs his fingers gently down my back, pushing towards him even more. It's like one of those soppy movie kisses, minus the rain, where we are clinging onto each other as if our life depended on it, we only break apart to breath, it turns into more than kissing.
I awake feeling hot and sticky, our bodies pressed together tightly. The mirror shows my messed up hair and nothing on but my undergarments. Cato is still sleeping in his underwear, his chest rising and falling with each breath. Peaceful.
"I'm awake, you know", he mumbles sleepily.
"Hey", I say rubbing my eyes gently, "What time is it?".
"Five, we need to get Brianna in an hour", he informs me, "How are you feeling?".
"Good, you?".
"Grand Clovers, I'm feeling grand". Not for much longer...
I don't mention it until later.
"Cato?", I call from the balcony.
"Yes, Clove?", he says joining me.
"Can we talk?", I ask, already knowing the answer.
"Of course", he says wrapping one arm around my shoulder, "What's on your mind?".
"Plurtarch came to see me today", I begin always looking at the emotions he is showing.
"This will be great...", he mumbles.
"And I am going on a special mission for a while", I continue. Come on Clove, you've practised this in front of the mirror enough times!
"How long?", Cato asks.
"A few months...".
"What's going on Clove?". I can't do this, I can't do this.
I take a final deep breath before spilling it all, "I'm going on a mission to Canada-".
"Canada?", Cato interrupts.
"Yes", I say quietly, "And you need to know that I will love you more each day we are apart".
"Can't we call each other?", he asks desperately.
"No connection...".
"It's just a few months", I say fiddling with my fingers.
"A lot could happen in a few months!", he shouts, "You could get hurt Clove".
"I don't think that's possible anymore. Please, hear me out. I really want to do this and I'm sorry that we can't do it together. I can't turn down an opportunity like this, it's something I really want...".
"You sure really want a lot of things...", he mumbles.
"You were going to train in the Capitol, without me".
"I didn't know there were any other options. I changed my plans for you, for you Clove!".
"You didn't have to", I say quietly, "You can have your own life".
"I don't want to argue with you but what happens if you don't make it back?".
"I will", I say.
"But what if-".
"No! Believe in me, this one time Cato. I will come back and be all yours okay?", I interrupt, on the verge of tears.
"This is not what I'm getting at!", he says, "Go, have fun. Enjoy it. I'm thinking about what if you get hurt?".
"I won't, I'm not stupid. I haven't cut in months", I exclaim.
"And I'm very happy for you Clove. I'm scared okay?", he cries raises his arms up above his head then walking away to the other side of the balcony. I follow him, hugging myself loosely as I do. His head rests in his hands.
"When we were little, you would always say, 'Sometimes, you just have to jump. Be brave Clover' and that's what I'm doing".
"I was their with you", he says softly so I hardly hear him.
"I'm going to be okay".
"I'm not...".
"Yes, you are", I fight back, "I'm going to be fighting with you".
"I can't lose you again Clove".
Catos being really clingy this past week but you can't really blame him. He clearly cares and loves me.