My life

Venting?

I had to make this ring out of paper for jewelry class instead of a real ring because of quarantine. Fun...? Took me 45 minutes to make 😱

Okay but real quick can I just like vent real quick? Okay like omfg I'm like exploding with emotions right now and idk but I just had the urge to write it here and now. It's like 3 something almost 4 in the morning. I fasted for like 28 hours then it was like 23:30 and I decided to fucking make some dinner for me and my two sisters older and younger. After dinner I was really full so I sat on the couch and watched a few things on the tv because I figured it'd be better than me laying on my bed. At 3 or like late 2 in the morning I decide to go to my bed and I start going through insta and there's this girl from my school and she's let me tell you VERY PETITE. Like let's just say I'm well acquainted with her and we are on good terms yes.

I decide to stalk her spam account where she posts a bunch of TikTok covers and hot photos and they always make me wanna lose weight because I see how small her waist is and how flat her tummy is and how perfect of a body she has subtract the height, booty and chest lol 😅

But anyway I'm here looking and admiring her she's wearing short af shorts and it's like I don't not like her but it's like she's soo like okay no I'm soo jealous of her that she makes me mad. Like I like her but she's soo much of what I want that she makes me mad because then I get mad at myself and start to feel ashamed of myself and it's just really 🙃

How is she gonna post soo many fucking videos of her wearing a white crop top and booty shorts, throwing it back and all then have a caption of "ewww I'm soo ugly" like it makes me mad. If you thought you was ugly in that why did you post it? Clearly you think not but dont want to brag? Tell me if I'm wrong but that's what I'm getting.

How is you gonna post a picture with the golden hour light sparkling filter and confident af expression and say that. How is you gonna show off to the world your "perfect" body and skin and say that. How? If rather have you being all cocky because I'd understand that better.

Maybe I'm just mad at myself. After stalking her page I feel like a failure. Why the fuck am I still fat? Why the fuck am I still not someone I want to be. After years and years of feeling like this and not one thing has changed. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me want to roll up into a ball and cry and cry and cry until there's no more pain and I'm left numb.

I hate myself. I really do. But I love myself enough. Enough to not do too much harm to myself. I don't self harm myself that's just over board. But I let myself eat and eat until I am a horrifying ugly fat pig.

I need to take some deep breaths and chill. It's probably past 4 now.

I'm soo behind in history class it makes me 🤯🙄😵

I wanna wake up "early" like before noon.

Yeah.

Okay ima go now. Next time I come back I'm only coming back with good news. So that might be in a few days, next week, next month, in a few months, however long it fucking takes me to do better.

Until next time lovely ones 😍