I SURVIVED COVID-19

Journal entry #6 part 2

                  Last year I thought I was trans but now I'm not sure if I'm trans or not. I mean I get dysphoria sometimes but not every second like I used to. Last year, I dressed to look like a dude because it helped with my dysphoria a little even though my parents wouldn't let me get a chest binder which always pissed me off.

             I remember when I came out to my parents, they would say they weren't judging me but they sure weren't being supportive by not letting me cut my hair short, not let me buy more clothes to make me look masculine, not letting me get a chest binder, and they wouldn't even call me by my trans name which is "Jay" or call me by preferred pronouns which were he, his, and him.

               It was just really hard last year. Last year I was really depressed and suicidal and I ended up going to a residential treatment facility which was also supposed to help with my anger. I only went to the residential treatment facility because I'd been in hospitals too many times.

                  I feel like sometimes people expect mental health services to like change you or make you like a different person which is so irritating because mental health services are supposed to help you be able to cope. I mean I still struggle with depression sometimes but I don't let my depression get in the way too much.

                    When I went to the residential treatment facility, I met some awesome people that helped me get through some really rough and hard times and I'm still in touch with a few of those people today.

                 I came out to the residential facility about me thinking I was trans and the residents there were really supportive and accepting which was nice because it wasn't like that at home but the staff at the facility weren't allowed to call me by "Jay" even if they wanted to and they had to call me by my dead name (birth name)  because my parents didn't call me jay and didn't want people calling me that.

              The residents were allowed to call me jay which was good enough. I'm just confused on if I'm trans or maybe even agender or if I'm just a really anti-feminine girl who. No one has really called me Jay for the last few months and not many know about me questioning these things.

                I've also been confused about my sexuality. My sexuality is something that's always been a question for me because it feels like I'll be liking a girl at one time and convincing myself I'm bi but then I'll like a guy and convince myself I'm straight.

                     Most of the girls I'm into are the ones who dress really masculine or are tomboys. I don't really have a type for guys. I guess I might be bisexual. I'll date trans dudes too. I just want to make a big deal out of this.

                It's just so confusing and I'm not sure if it's normal to be confused about this stuff even as a teenager because I feel like most teenagers my age already know what they like and I'm still questioning. This is all I have to say today.

    -twentyonepilotss44