Destiny Destroyed

Chapter 3 (1985)

I wake and it's after three in the morning. I can't believe I fell asleep and slept so long. I crawl out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I don't turn the light on. I grab a paper cup by the sink and get a drink of water. There are no glasses in the house. After, I crawl back in bed and sleep. The dreams come. It's just flashes. There's yelling. I see train tracks. I see trees. Then nothing. Next, I hear what sounds like glass shattering. There is screaming. I wake up in a cold sweat. It's now after five. I take my pillow and bury my head underneath it. You can't suffocate yourself with a pillow by the way. You will just pass out.

I wake to my alarm annoying me. I've been in school for two months now. I wish I could say it was getting better, but it's just the same. Everything in my life is just the same. I live each day, but don't really live it. I look back at the pictures of my past and wonder what happened to me. I had friends and was happy. I don't understand what happened to me. What happened to Seth. We had been together for so long. What could have gone so wrong. I wish I had kept a diary. It's a strange thing not to know yourself or important events in your life. I know my entire life up until tenth grade.

I shower and dress. I woke up feeling good, but now I feel bad. I search my room for the AC/DC t-shirt. I find it clean and smile. I put the shirt on the run my hands across the letters. I know to most it looks like I am feeling myself up, but I'm not. I have a memory of something when I touch this shirt. It doesn't always come. Only sometimes. I close my eyes as my hand slowly touches the shirt. A quick flash of someone holding my hand to their heart. Then it's gone. I open my eyes and shake my head. It must be Seth.

I find Faith watching me when my eyes open. "You alright," she asks. The look I see way too much in her eyes. Worry. I smile. Not a real smile, but the only one I know how to give. "I'm fine," I say. I ask her about Seth sometimes, but she doesn't really remember much. It wasn't like we were close in age and shared all our boy secrets. I pull my hair back into a ponytail. I slip on a pair of jeans and boots. Faith adds blush to my checks like she does every morning. I don't care about the blush, but Faith seems to think it's important, so I let her.

Ryan's waiting for me when we pull up at school. He really is hot. I wonder if he has a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking a boyfriend. I can barely be here for myself. The last thing I need is a boyfriend. I think Dr. Adams would frown upon that. I chuckle to myself. It's not like there is anyone who be willing to date me anyway. I'm the crazy girl. "What's so funny," Ryan asks. I shake my head nothing. "Now I'm concerned," he says. "Laughing at nothing is not a good sign Destiny." I know he's teasing me. I look up and give him a half smile. It's only slightly better than my not real smile.

I walk next to Ryan towards the school. I can feel all the eyes of other girls on me. I know they all crush on Ryan. I think some of them are jealous of me. I am the only one that gets to call him Ryan. I get to spend a lot of time with him. I think some secretly wish they were fricking nuts like me. What I wouldn't give to not be nuts like me. "So, Ryan," I say. "You have a girlfriend." He looks down at me. "Why are you looking to applying for the position." I look at him. Is he flirting with me? I can't help but laugh out loud. Yes of course he is I think sarcastically. Ryan wants to date the crazy high school chick. I am legal at nineteen.

"I'm not attached at the moment," he shares with me. "I guess that means I can't live vicariously through you then." My life is so boring. I was really hoping Ryan would have something good to share with me. It's not like Faith has anything going on at her age. Just secret crushes. "I don't think it would be appropriate to share my dating life with you anyway. I know you'll be twenty in a couple months, but you're still a student." I think about this. "I'm not so sure I agree. We are both adults. If we wanted to date, I don't think they could stop us."

He stops walking and turns to me. "I guess we could if that is what we wanted," he says watching me closely. His brown eyes have me pinned with his stare. I'm not sure why he is watching me so closely. Suddenly I am worried he may be thinking about asking me out. "You blinked," I say turning to walk again. Ryan doesn't say anything as he falls into step next to me. We walk in silence to my locker. I'm not sure what just happened. I don't want to date Ryan. He knows exactly how crazy I am. I am sure he wouldn't want to date me.

Once Ryan deposits me safely in my classroom, I think more about our odd exchange. I know I am making something out of nothing. I guess a part of me wants to be normal. I want to have someone who likes me like that. I think back to all my memories with Seth and swallow back the tears. I don't know where things went so wrong with us. When I say I don't know, I mean I really don't know. The last memories I have are happy ones. Why would we do what we did. It doesn't make sense to me. We were happy.

I struggle to get through my morning. It's a hard day today. I don't know why. Some days are just easier than others and for no apparent reason. As I walk out of my third period class, my books crash to the floor. "Crazy freak," a boy says as he runs by. He was the reason they fell. He knocked them out of my arms as he ran by. I look around for Ryan. He isn't waiting. I scan the hall for him. I hate the lost feeling I have without him. I look back to where my books fell, and they are gone. In front of me is a boy. I look at him. He's standing right in front of me. He's looking at me. No one dares to stand in front of me and look at me. I am invisible unless the object of someone's torment. I sigh wondering what he plans to do to me.

"Hi," he says. I stand staring at him like he has two heads. "Cool shirt," he says pointing to my AC/DC t-shirt. I look at him closely to see if he's teasing me. It doesn't appear he is. "Thanks," I say. I glance around again for Ryan. Still no sign of him. "Where did you get it," he asks me. I turn back to the boy and look at him. He's not much taller than me. He has sandy blond hair that is messy like he just crawled out of bed. I have a sudden urge to reach out and touch it. I control my urge. No one wants to be touched by the crazy chick. It may rub off.

His hazel eyes are looking at me waiting for an answer. "I don't know," I say and swallow down the lump that has formed in my throat. I absently reach up and run my hand across it. My eyes close. "Only you," I hear the voice say. "Are you alright," a voice that is clearly here in the present asks. I open my eyes and the boy is still standing there. "It's my favorite shirt," I say unsure why I felt the need to tell him that. He gives me a small smile. "I'm Eric," he says. "Destiny," I say with a slight grin forming on my lips.

"I'm sorry I'm late Destiny," Ryan says as he jogs up to me. "I got tied up on a call. Everything alright here," he asks looking from me to Eric. He notices my books in Eric's hand and can't figure out what to make of it. "It's fine. Some dick knocked my books out of my hands while calling me some of my favorite names," I say trying to brush off the entire incident. "Eric was nice enough to pick them up for me," I say sending a smile Eric's way. Eric looks to Ryan and back to me. "I better get to my next class," he says as he hands my books to me. "Thanks," I tell his back as he's racing off.

I turn and glare at Ryan. "What," he says as we start to walk. "I had a boy talking to me Ryan. Way to kill the moment. Now granted I am sure it was more of a moment to me than him. But still it's all I got. I wanted my moment to last longer," I yell at him as we walk down the hall. I sigh. "I used to walk these halls the envy of other girls. My how the mighty have fallen." We reach my class. "The mighty will rise again Destiny," Ryan says. I stare down at the floor. He reaches out and gently lifts my face. "You will find your way. You're strong and beautiful. You will get there."

I turn and walk into my class. I wish I could be so sure. I'm not sure of anything right now. I just know that I am pathetic. A boy talks to me and my mind is in overdrive. I know it was nothing but can't help wishing it was something. I think about the boy. He was cute in an understated way. He was average size and a little above average in looks. It wasn't his looks that has my mind running wild. It was the way he was around me. He didn't seem to be afraid of me. He didn't seem to want to hurry and run from me. He seemed nice. He seemed kind and sincere. I wondered who he was.