Destiny Destroyed

Chapter 35 (Present Day 1986)

Two days later they release me. I decided to go back to Meadow Crest. I needed some time to figure all of this out. I have no clue where to go from here. My mom is in the process of giving me back my life. I told her it was important for me to be in control of my future. Doctor Adams has agreed to help me. She's not a doctor at Meadow Crest but can still treat me there. When Doctor Adams gives me a clean bill of sanity, my life will be my own. It's a goal to work towards. I want to be in control of my life. I spent so much time being controlled by Seth. I never had a chance to find myself.

I spend my days in therapy where I talk about everything that happened to me. I talk about Seth, Lucas and Eric. Anger and bitterness are what I feel for Seth. Dr. Adams works hard to make me understand Seth was sick. I have to work on forgiving Seth. Which is extremely hard, but very important in my recovery. Forgiveness. It's such a complicated word. To forgive Seth means I need stop blaming him for what happened. I need to stop being angry with him. The anger part has been easier to deal with. He's not here so being angry is pointless. But forgiveness is still out of my reach.

I work through Lucas's death. That is the hardest part. Lucas was my very first love. I never loved Seth like I loved Lucas. Saying loved is the hardest part of my therapy. Lucas is my past. I will always love Lucas. Lucas is gone. I spend a lot of my time at Meadow Crest dealing with Lucas's death. I tell Doctors Adams our beautiful story. And it was beautiful. It just didn't have a happily ever after. That is the part that is the hardest to deal with. We should have had our happily ever after. Even if in the end that happily ever after wasn't with each other. Seth took it away from us. From Lucas. Forgiveness isn't here yet.

Guilt. Guilt is a bitch to learn to live with. Forgiving myself is hard. Doctor Adam's tells me all the time I am too hard on myself. If I can forgive, I can heal. I really hate that word. Can I forgive myself? What would I be forgiving myself for? Dr. Adams asked me that question and I really had no answer. Can I forgive myself for.... I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. Can I forgive myself for forgetting Lucas? The tears fall freely down the sides of my face. I roll over and bury my face in the pillow. I cry loud and hard. I've cried myself to sleep many of nights since I got here. This is different. I forgot Lucas. I forgot him. I left him down in that ravine lost and alone for years. My beautiful Lucas. I forgot his beautiful green eyes. I forgot his sexy smile. I forgot his gentle touch. I forgot his passionate kisses. I forgot our intense love. I forgot how he looked when he was painting or sketching. I forgot him.

My next session with Dr. Adams is spent talking about my realization the night before. "You didn't forget him Destiny. He was with you all the time. The feelings and flashes. He was always there." I stare at her thinking about what she said. He was always there. I sit and cry. Forgiving myself is closer. I can feel it. Forgiveness for Seth is still out of reach. Guilt is still in the picture too. Guilt is Eric. I tell Dr. Adams I don't want to deal with guilt right now. I need to work through Seth and forgiveness first. My days turn into weeks and then months. Spring turns to summer. I graduate by taking online courses at Meadow Crest. I'm officially a high school graduate at age twenty.

My family has been great. One of them makes sure to stop and see me every day. Even if it's only for a short period of time. I've put them through so much. They were left dealing with the after effects of my choices while I hid out at Meadow Crest. And yes, I was hiding out here. I had no idea how to handle the entire situation, so I chose to come here. I was a coward. I wasn't ready to face anyone. My mom was seeing a therapist to. She was having a hard time dealing with what I went through. As a mother she insists she should have known something was wrong.  She should have been able to see what Seth was doing to me. She was trying to deal with her own guilt.   

Eric tried to see me on several occasions. He was turned away each time. I knew I owed him an explanation, but I wasn't ready. I couldn't face him. I didn't know what to say to him. I had no answers to questions I knew he had. My only friends were Julie and Ryan. This time I wasn't going to turn away my friends. Ryan came to see me a lot after my first couple weeks at Meadow Crest. We played games and watched television in main room. He held me when I cried and gave me a shoulder to lean on when I need one. We didn't talk about the tragedy. We just hung out. It was nice. I was never more grateful to have him as a friend.

Sometimes Julie came with Ryan and other times she came alone. The two of us sit in one of the common areas. "I saw Eric the other day," Julie says. I look at her but don't say a word. "He misses you Destiny. A lot." I still don't say anything. "You really need to see to him. I love you, but what you are doing to him isn't fair." I sigh. I know that. I just can't handle it all. "What am I going to say to him Julie. My head is so fucked up from all this. You know what my thoughts of Eric are? He looks so much like Lucas they could be twins. They're mannerism are the same. They even smell the same for heaven's sake. That fucking laundry detergent. The freckles. The messy hair. Did I really fall for Eric or was my subconscious thinking of Lucas? How the fuck do I look him in the eyes and tell him I have no idea if it was him I fell in love with or his similarity to Lucas."

Julie looks at me stunned by my outburst. "Alright so when you put it that way, I can see your point." Then she hugs me. "I just want you to get better. I miss you. Ryan misses you. Your family misses you. If you can't deal with Eric I understand. I just felt so bad when I ran into him. I hadn't seen him since Lucas' funeral. He looked awful." My heart breaks. I can't imagine the pain his family went through. To find out after all that time, Lucas was dead. To bury him. To know there was no chance he was ever coming home alive. "I want to get better to Julie. I'm working hard on it. When I am ready, I will see Eric. Please tell him I'm sorry if you see him." And I am. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused him and his family.