Destiny Destroyed

Chapter 6 (1985)

Today I decide to wear a dress to school. I have a lot of dresses. I used to like to wear dresses a lot before. It's a simple sweater dress. It's a pattern of different shades of red. I wear a pair of black boots with the dress. The November weather turned cold in the last couple of days. Faith applies a small amount of makeup. My mom smiles as we get in the car. She doesn't say anything on the ride. I can tell she wants to ask me something but doesn't. Ryan is waiting for me when I get there. "You look very nice today," he tells me as we walk inside. As usual everyone is staring. I ignore them.

Today when I enter the cafeteria for lunch, Eric is standing inside the door waiting for me. "Hi," he says as we walk to the end of the line to wait. I smile at him. "You look beautiful," he whispers to me. I feel myself blush. I have no idea when I started to blush at compliments. I know I used to get them a lot back in the day and didn't have a blushing issue. We talk about our classes while we eat. It feels so normal. It feels nice. This continues for several weeks. I only see Eric at lunch and we just talk. I haven't looked forward to something in so long. I look forward to lunch every day. I'm even eating again. I can't help but worry what will happen if Eric decides to stop eating with me. I try not to think about that. When I do, I can feel all the negative energy start to creep in.

I'm sitting in weekly therapy where we are discussing the years I can remember. I made it through seventh grade with nothing exciting to report. Seth and I went together the entire year. He was the perfect boyfriend. We only saw each other at school since I wasn't allowed to date yet. He would call me sometimes to talk on the phone. My calls were limited though, since I wasn't allowed to date. My mom and dad insisted if Seth called every night it would be like dating. We kept our contact to seeing each other at school and talking on the phone once in a while.

Seth was always polite with me. We held hands between classes and walking in the halls. We sat together at lunch. He called me a time or two a week. But outside of school we didn't see each other. I was in love for the first time ever. It felt good. I was Seth Anderson's girl. All the girls were jealous. I knew they would trade places with me in a second. Some even tried to steel him away. Seth only had eyes for me though. I never understood why me. I was just happy it was me. I was the luckiest girl on the planet. We got together over the summer at least once a week. Once in a while he would come to my house or I would go to his. Most of the time we were together as a group. Just friends hanging out.

"How was eighth grade," Dr. Adams asks. I close my eyes and think about eighth grade. "Pretty much the same as seventh. Seth and I were still together. We were "the" couple. You know how one school has that couple that is just perfect together," I say opening my eyes. Dr. Adams nods. "That was us." I think about how happy I was. "Everything was perfect. We moved on from just holding hands to kissing at school." I think about those days and smile. "I was so in love," I say. And I was. That I am sure of. "Seth was my world," I tell her. "Were you his world," she asks. I don't even hesitate when I answer. "Yes."

The next morning, I climb out of my mom's car dressed in jeans and a white sweater. The jeans aren't as tight as they should be. I still have some weight to put on. I hesitate when I see Eric standing next to Ryan. He's waiting for me obviously. Ryan steps forward to talk to my mom. I step closer to Eric and smile. "Good morning," he says smiling back at me. "I think maybe it is," I say to him. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. It scares me. "Ryan gave me permission to walk you to class this morning," he tells me. I want to jump up and down and squeal like girls do. Instead I do something I never thought I would do. I reach out and take Eric's hand in mine. When he intertwines his fingers through mine, the butterflies let loose in my stomach.

As we walk, I look down at our hands and try to rein in the sudden panic I am starting to feel. I want this. I like Eric. I want to hold his hand. I want more than to hold his hand. This feeling is alright Destiny. It's normal. I am normal. I can be normal. I want to be normal. Don't panic. Don't panic. I glance back to see Ryan following behind. He must sense my panic. "You're alright Destiny," he mouths to me. I'm alright I tell myself. I'm alright. I'm alright. I'm so busy talking to myself I'm not paying attention to Eric. He's talking to me. Shit. I look over him. "You weren't listening were you," he asks with a kind smile. "I'm sorry. I'm kind of freaking out," I tell him as I look down to our hands.