when a smile drops [ BrightWin | SarawaTine ]

page #11

1:48 a.m

i was on the bathroom looking at my naked self on the mirror. my skin was my canvas and the blades i hid between the pages of my books are the paintbrush. i am an art; a masterpiece made by myself.

i draw on my skin all the emotions i keep suppressing and wanted to let them go. every moment the brush touches my body, i would feel relief like an anger released or a movie with a good ending. i would be fine but scars would continue to ruin my flesh.

i flashed a smile and like a dying star in the universe it immediately fell from the ground of the earth. there was a heavy force on my lips that i couldn't lift them up and make them stay curved up.

i couldn't smile.

and so i had to wear a mask to hide everything i have within. i don't want to let people see me suffering. i gave them the facade that they want; a lively, joyful person who would smile everyday.

it's tiring to fake everything.

i stepped outside the bathroom still naked. my body was moving on its own. my hands were already holding the blade and gently it cuts my skin letting the blood trickle on the pages.

i was crying. my heart was swimming in pain. my fingers fidget. my knees tremble. my view was a blur because of the tears falling from my eyes. i did not know what to do. there are days like today that pain would haunt me and i surrender.

i give up to the pain, to the monsters that kills me. i succumb and get on my knees defeated, once again, to the darkness.

i bawled like a lost child who wants to be found but even if i cry my lungs out no one would hear me. i couldn't be heard. i couldn't be saved.

i was already on the floor sprawled like a dead meat. i grinned thinking perhaps all of these would end finally; the suffering, the faking, my life.

my mind is fucked up and so my heart.

i was bathing on my own blood and sweat. it felt sticky. i was too distracted by the emotions that ate me i forgot to answer my phone.

someone's calling and i don't know who would call me. i stared at my phone placed beside the blade and books. it was ringing again. i stood up with my weak standing. i was too dizzy i just answered the call without reading the contact name.

i heaved a long deep breath.

"W-who are you?" i choke between the sobs.

"Win?!" he sounded surprised.

it was him. the man who gave me light and i brushed it off. i broke down and i hear him repeatedly calling for my name.

"Please... Tell me where you are!"

and i told him. i needed him at that moment. he came. he rushed into me carrying me like we were in our first honeymoon.

we were inside his car. i could see him clearly. his eyes looking at the road and me. he looks worried and from time to time he would caress my hands.

"We'll get there, Win... please..." and he was crying. i couldn't stop the smile on my face.

for the first time of my fucked up life, someone cried for me.

now as i write this, i am on the hospital bed. my wrist wrapped with bandage and to my right side there he sleeps.

Bright was holding my hand, gripping on it tightly on his deep sleep. how could he look perfect? his long eyelashes, his nose, his lips slightly parted as he sleeps soundly.

i wear mask and i forgot him because i was drowning in despair. all i could think of is to end me. i forgot he exists and i hate myself for forgetting.

i want him to peel the skin off my face. i want to be true to him. i want to live for him.

i want him on my life, so bad.

but i am afraid of myself.

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