Dancing With The Devil

hold me while i fall.

I nearly suffocated on my own fury. He robbed me of getting the chance to live a normal life and he just sat back watching me suffer.

While being yelled at by the guards, I was escorted back into the waiting room where Namjoon sat reading a book. His eyes shot up when he noticed the commotion I caused. "What did she do?" He asked, rushing over.

"Are you the tamer of this animal?" The guard grunted, shoving me hard towards Namjoon. He put his arm out to catch me.

"Something like that, why?"

"Well, Emrie Fey is hereby banned at this point forward from Seodaemun prison. If she should so desire to return, she better be an inmate herself. Can you handle her from here?"

"Ye-"

"Handle me? Who do you think you are? You're a correctional officer. Did you even get trained?!"

"Alright bye bye. Let's go" Namjoon pulled at my arm. I shook him off me, fuming and walking towards the exit. He speed-walked to catch up to me.

"What happened? What the hell did you do to get kicked out of a prison? Why are you bleeding?"

"I grabbed the guard's gun"

"Dude!"

"What? It's not my fault he sucks at his job"

"What did your father say?"

"He's a piece of shit just like I remembered. Today was a mistake. Let's just get the fuck out of here before I do something again" I said, still walking quickly to the car. This was the breaking point of my patience. At this moment, I was blinded by a five-course serving of rage. In the split-second moment I had to kill him, something inside me couldn't do it. I didn't want to kill whatever family I had left, no matter how much he deserved it. We got in the car and I pulled my knees to my chest. Part of me had wanted to cry —though I never cried, hadn't cried in years. I sat in the passenger seat of Namjoon's Audi and dug my fingernails into my palms so hard they left a row of half- moons, to keep tears from falling.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He questioned, pulling out of the parking lot. He was shy and careful with his words knowing that I was already at my limit and could snap at any second. "Not to you I don't" I responded harshly. "Why is it a knife fight every time you open your mouth? You're so difficult" he brushed it off.

"I'm difficult?! I just saw my father for the first time in years and he basically just spit in my face. So you tell me how I'm supposed to feel" This shut him up. He kept his focus on the road and I just stayed staring out the window as my attention began to wander. Where did everything go wrong? I wanted to cry. I hadn't cried in years. I didn't like feeling emotions and this was too overwhelming. Was the whole Hyunjin thing true? Have I been lied to all these years? Maybe my father was just playing with my head. That's what he does best. But why do I kind of believe him? Am I weak like he always said? Who do I believe, him or Hyunjin? Is there anyone on my side? Why is everything so fucked up for me all the time?

———————

We arrived home after a long and silent drive. The silence didn't bother me though, my mind was busy running through different scenarios of how I could've handled that situation better. Adrenaline pumped through my blood as I stormed off to my room, catching the attention of all the other boys in the living room watching a movie.

I slumped onto my bed, my palms imprinted with nail marks. I was angry, confused, and yet, somehow exhilarated in a twisted way. I felt tears form behind my eyes threatening to fall. No, stop crying. You never cry. Don't start now. The last time you cried was years ago. You're not weak.