Don't close your eyes - Woosan

Chapter 18

This chapter is dedicated to one of my best friends Zara, I hope you have a great birthday 💜💜

San POV

Hongjoong is speaking.

But I cannot hear a word he is saying.

All I hear is Wooyoung's icy voice echoing through my head "I did it to you though."

I know he wouldn't really kill me, but the certainty of his actions in his eyes created a pool of uncertainty in mine. My right hand found its way against my stomach remembering the sharp pain inflicted by Wooyoung's fist. 

He promised me, 

and I trusted him.

He broke his promise,

And I still trust him.

No matter how loud the voice inside my head screams 'no' my heart will forever shout louder.

Wooyoung POV 

I sat still in the darkness, swamped by silence as my mind ticked away, much unlike the clock in my room which was now broken due to San's previous visit. I know what I saw and did was just a hallucination, but what scares me more is that the hallucination had to have come from somewhere. I know they are created based upon your greatest fears, thoughts and ideas swirling around that you push into the darkest corner of your mind to collect dust, out of sight, in hopes they will stay that way. I know for a fact that they never do and the hallucination just proved it.

It also proved what my greatest fear really is.

It isn't losing San. 

It is being the reason that San becomes lost.

If you had asked me if I would kill San I would've shouted that 'I would never do such a thing' as to kill the man I love. But the problem is I have done such a thing before to my own sister. And if you had asked me if I would kill her before hand I would've shouted that 'I would never do such a thing' as to kill my own sister.

But I did.

It doesn't matter how far I try to run, Dejavu seems to forever be stalking me and I just can't get away. I won't let San suffer because of me, I can't watch someone else I love crumble into nothing in my own hands.

I wont love you, even if it hurts so much I can't breathe.

San POV 

"Wooyoung is resting now,  he should be able to fight again in a day or two." I spoke nonchalantly to Hongjoong before he began the briefing for the next mission, "I'm not concerned about his body healing San." Hongjoong didn't need to finish his sentence for everyone in the room to understand the unspoken words.

"It shouldn't be a complicated mission anyway, just another small raid, it seems pretty insignificant compared to everything else going on but we still need to focus, okay." Hongjoong paused before continuing, leaving spaces for questions, but none were ever asked. "Yunho, your with San and Jongho, Mingi your with me and Yeosang." 

Now there was a question, Seongwha butted in abruptly. "You not actually asking me to stay here are you?" Hongjoong bristled with slight uncertainty before reasserting his authority, "you still need to rest, your not in the right state of....mind."

Well, clearly that was not the smartest thing to say to Seongwha right now.

Hongjoong raised his hands, signalling for us to move kit into the vans and prepare to leave.

Hongjoong POV 

That probably wasn't the smartest of things to say but my mind couldn't think of any other excuse in the moment. Before I could too escape to the vans someone's hand grasped around my right wrist preventing me from doing so. Without turning my head round I spoke calmly, unlike the sudden rapid beating of my heart against my chest, "Seongwha, let go of my wrist"       "Not until you let me go on the mission with everyone else." His words were unwavering, as was the grip on my wrist. 

"Seongwha, I am the leader, whatever I say is a decision I make for the benefit of the clan, now, I won't ask again Seongwha." 

He soon released his grip on my wrist but clearly had no intention of letting me leave yet. 

"The decision you just made doesn't benefit the team in any way shape or form, I know the decision you just made was based on your personal preference. I'm not a fucking flower Hongjoong. Yeosang will stay behind and I will leave with San and Yunho." During Seongwha's little speech he had made his way directly in front of my unfaltering gaze, our faces so close I could feel his own breath mingling with mine and I feel my mind drifting back to last nights conversation.

I hate to admit it but he is right, I don't want him on this mission, not because I think he is mentally unstable, nor because I think he is incapable. It's because after the recent realisation of a few things I find myself unable to focus on anything other than the gorgeous man standing in front of me. And the thought of him going on this mission leaves me with an unsettling amount of worry in the pit of my stomach. 

As if Seongwha could read my expression his lips tilted into a small knowing smile before he leaned his head down towards my ear, a ghosting touch of his lips against them sent shivers down my neck as he spoke,

"now you know how I feel".

With that he was gone, leaving my heart feeling more unstable then ever as I followed close behind. "Yeosang we have a change of plans, you will stay behind and be our eyes and ears, Seongwha will take your place." He lifted his eyebrows momentarily in surprise before shrugging his shoulders and walking back the way we just came. 

"Hongjoong everything's loaded we need to get going or the timing of everything will be out". Right, I spared one last glance towards Seongwha, involuntarily studying his flawless features before entering the van. My mind felt more clouded then usual as I shouted to Seongwha before Mingi closed the door.

"When we get back we need to talk." 

"I know" he responded, a brief wave of disappointment swept across Seongwha's face as he entered the van, once again leaving before I got the chance to speak again. He really needs to stop doing that. I couldn't shake one thought from my head as the van drove swiftly to our next location, why did Seongwha look so disappointed? What does he think I want to talk to him about?