Cut Too Deep

Cut Too Deep [part 7]

I crawl over to my backpack and snatch my Ipod from it.
I try to stand up and stumble to my drawer.
Digging through it i look for my special velvet box i havent touched in ages.
I find it and take the sharp razor blade from it throwing the box at my door.
In the bathroom i sit down in the shower.
They'll pay for taking away my joy.
They'll pay.

I turn on my ipod and blast "Lies by evanescence."
Im crying so hard now i can barely see.
"This is for making mom turn on us." i say.
I start to drag the razor against my milky skin and blood flows from it like a
ribbon.
"This is for leaving." i say.
I cut a line below that only this time deeper.
The pain, its so excruiating yet it feels so good.

"And this.." i start to choke but i have to.
"This is for taking all of my childhood, my innocence away. I was only a baby."
This time i curved the word "monster" into my arm. so i'll never forget.

I'll never forget what he did to me.
I cant push back the memory and it comes to me. Like a flash back.
"Daddy what are you doing?" i asked.
I was only 7 or 8.
"Nothing honey just be quiet ok."he said sweetly.
And so i did. I use to love my dad, to bits. He was my everything.
Whenever mommy said no i would run to him and he would sneak things for me.
But that night changed everything.
My mom was away at work. She had a extra shift and my sister was at a sleep over
so it was only me and my dad..
We watched movies all night and it was time for bed.

He tucked me into the barbie bed i got for Christmas that year.
Only thing is he was in the bed. With me.
Under the covers i could feel his hands carress my back and bottom.
I knew something wasnt right. But i was so young.
And that was my dad.
He would unbotton my pajama top and kiss me softly on the forhead while whispering
"No one has to know. I love you so much. I just want to show you how much."
He would say.
And you can kind of guess what happened.
I mean he didnt have se­x with me. That would have been just plain foul.
But he touched me in areas a little girl my age
should never be touched. Espicially by her father.
And that went on for months. Everytime mom had an extra shift it would happen.
Even though Natalie would be in the other room. Sound asleep.
Unaware.

I start to cry again. Little whimpers.
I couldnt go. This memory was to horrid. But if i was ever going to get past it
i had to finish it out.
Finally whenever i had the courage to out him my mother would never believe me.
"Nonsense. Go to your room." she would say.
"mom believe me." i say
"GO to your room. How could you make up a lie like that on your father. Your a horrible child. horrible."
and that is the day i started to hate, both my mom and dad.
I snap back into reality.
My eyes heavy from all the tears and hatred.
My arm is numb now from all the pain. And when i stare down at it.
Im satistfied, and happy for once in my life.
I look up above me on the rack and see a towel.
I whip it down and pat the blood.

I wrap the towel around it and put pressure to stop the bleeding.
And i laid there. Empty.
Nothing left to give. I couldnt keep my eyes open much longer.
So i drifted off to sleep.