Cut Too Deep

Cut Too Deep [Part 10]

Once I reach home I decide to set things straight with Mom and Vic.
I mean.... ugh. My mom and...... dad.
I knock on the door and my mother answers. She looks dreary and tired.
"Hi." i say.
She smiles an old tired smile.
"I want to talk to you and dad." i say.
"Vic!"
My dad comes dragging into the living room with the same tired expression.
Had they been crying. over me?
"Sit." i command.
They both sit and stare at me. Waiting

"Look i just want to apologize for everything I've done. I dont mean to be this
.... difficult, it was just im going through a hard time with these new.. erm adjustments."

"Its okay sweety. We know we know. I didnt mean to spring it on you like that but, its for the betterment of this family."
Right. the betterment of this family.
Or were you just tired of being a dateless hor­ny acoholic?
The bitterness returned but i pushed it away.
"its okay mom i understand now. I'm going to start making some changes around here if you dont mind i would like you all to start with me." i say.
"Suure honey, anything." my dad says trying to win some brownie points.
Sorry bub your still at 0.

"Uhm, well i want to start by rennovating the house. Maybe make it more inviting? Secondly i want to..." i gulp but press on. "I want to start going to church on Sundays. As a family."
My parents smiles immediately turned to frowns.
"Honey i dont think..."
"Just hear me out. Today at the concert i felt something. something inside of me that i have never felt before. Kind of like a sense of hope. Please for me. If you dont like going after the first try then i promise you dont have to go back. But just try." i say.
For me this was going to be difficult as well but i was willing.
My parents were looking at each other with these weird expressions on their face.
"Okay. " my mom says.
I yelp.
"thanks."

i stand up and start my way up the stairs and when I am half way i turn on my heel.
"Mom. Dad."
"Yes." they say in unison.
"Im glad we are back together again." i say meaningly.
They smile and i return to walking up the steps.
Mom and Dad, check
Now i had to get things right with Natalie.
I walk down the hall and stop at the door.
Its all pink and covered in  frilly flowers. Its even scented.
A scented door?
I dont even question. I knock twice and wait for her to answer.
The door creeps half way open and i can see her auburn hair poking through.
"Go away, freak." she said closing the door but i jammed my foot in between it.
"Natalie. Please." i plead.
She sighs and walks to her bed.

I sit down with her and she starts pushing her long hair behind her ear.
"What." she exclaims.
I just stare at her. I never really really looked at my sister before.
Let alone said anything nice to her.
"Im sorry" i say hugging her.
"Eww get off what are you doing?" she screechs.
But i hang on tight and dont let her let go of me.

"Im sorry i was every brat, im sorry we never got really close. Im sorry you have to put up with such a horrible person like me." i say still holding her.
She stops resisting.
"what are you talking about?"
I glare up into her eyes.
"I mean your always mad at me for unknown reasons. We never connect or anything. I just want to start fresh. Your my sister we should be way closer." i confess.
She looks at me, i can see her eyes searching my face for some sort of sarcasm or something but there was none. I was genuine.
"Ellen. Are you serious?" she half whispers.
I nod.
"wow i didnt know you felt that way. Uhm. i guess im sorry too. I mean the whole mom thing being on my side all the time must have gotten to me and i hadnt realized how much it hurt you. I have a heart you know." she says jokingly.

I laugh with her.
"To fresh starts, corny sister moments, future fights, akward talks, and many more things."  I say sticking my hand out towards her

 "To us." she says with a smile. 

We laughed and i emerged from the bed and out of the room.
Mom and Dad Check.
Natalie Check. Only one person left.
 Justin.

I go to my room and look at the time.
11:34 p.m. It read. He was probably going to be up for another 2 hours.
I flopped on my bed and opened my phone.
I text him.
"And she crys purple tears sprinkled with fears."
That was our code for emergencies. Surely he would remember it.
Whenever one of us would say that, that would mean meet up at Old Hickory Park in 5 minutes.
Old Hickory held alot of memories for me. That was my favorite place to play.
Where i lost my first tooth. Where i found my first crush. Most importantly where i met Justin.
I bundle up in a scarf and put on my North Face jacket and black moccasins.
I climb out the window because i know mom and dad were still in the living room.
Probably watching tv so i couldnt go out the front.
I lowered my self down on the ladder i never put back when i climbed in my window the other day.

I start walking towards the park.
I can feel my face turn red from the cold. I try speeding up my pace to warm my body up but it was no use.

I reach the Park within a few mintues and sit down on the front bench waiting for Justin.
I look at my wa­tch.
11:40.
He should be here by now.

11:45
Still No Justin.

Forget it.
He's not coming. I get up and start making my way back to my house, when i hear my name.
"Ellen. Wait. Come back."
I turned around to see him jogging lightly over to the park bench where i once sat.
I walk over to the bench so that we meet up at the same time.
We just sit there and listen to each other breathe.
Finally i say something while staring at the houses infront of me.
"Why?" i ask.
"What do you mean?"
I never take my eyes off of the houses even though i can feel his boring down on my face.
I dont say anything for a while then slowly turn to face him, glaring deep into his radiant blue eyes.

Tears creep up in the corner of my eyes and i try to make them stop from spilling over.
Dont fall, please?
They promise not to fall and i continue to stare at him shaking my head side to side.
"You just left me there. There to fend for myself. How could you just leave me? You know what id been through. And you didnt even give me a chance to explain."
My eyes betray me and the tears spill over.
"Im sorry Ellen.:"
"No you dont get it." i say standing up.
"I cut myself. For the first time in 3 years since, Daisy passed." i say through clenched teeth.
He starts moving his head like he regrets what he's done.
He should!
"I cried. I had no one to talk to. no one to tell what i had done. No one to comfort me. Justin. Are you getting this! You hurt me. And i dont think i can forgive you." i say

I continue on my rant.
"I thought we could talk about anything together. I thought that if something was wrong we would comfort each other. I thought no matter what we would love each other." i say grabbing him by the collars of his shirt.
He looks down at his feet shamefully.
"LOOK AT ME JUSTIN! look at the hurt in my eyes. Look at the pain in my face. Look at the scars on my arms!!" i yell at him lifting my sleeves so he could
see the fresh lines.
"Look." i whisper silently.

His eyes slowly raise up and he stares at my arms gasping.
I cant take this. I have to sit down.
I return to my seat and wait for an explanation. An answer. something.
But there was none. Instead i was being lifted off the ground and carried.
"Justin put me down now!" i scream, kicking.
But he doesnt budge, solid as stone.
After about 5 minutes of yelling and protesting i gave up and just let him carry me.
Even though i was mad at him i rest my head on his chest. It was soft and comfy, it felt like there was a special place just for me.
After 2 or 3 more minutes of walking he finally put me down and i realized where i was. His house.