Cut Too Deep

Cut Too Deep [Part 8]

"Here I stand

Empty hands

Wishing my wrists were bleeding

To stop the pain from the beatings

There you stood

Holding me

Waiting for me to notice you

But who are you"

Flyleaf's Red Sam, was blasting in my ears and i snatch the headphones

out, because they were making them hurt.

This is the one time i do not feel like hearing her voice in my ear.

It was pitch black around me. I had no idea where i was.

I start to stand up and climb out of where i was but i trip over a curtain

and quickly remember i was in the shower.

I fall right on my shoulder and shriek in pain.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" i scream. Not only was my shoulder hurting

but my arm was too.

I smell horrible. like blood. im all sweaty and my hair is pinned to my face.

I crawl on one knee to my room so i can look at the clock.

"6:25" the bright red numbers red.

I groaned. I had school today.

I found the light and turned it on.

I grab my clothes im going to wear and lay them on my bed.

Turning the shower on hot i picked up the bloody towels, from my current episode while cradling my arm.

It hurt so bad.

I step out of my clothes and stand under the water letting it sting my body.

After what seems like forever i get out.

i walk over to my counter and find some bandages.

I try to press down on my arm but it hurts really bad.

carefully placing my long polo green shirt on and my white skinnies on next.

I slipped into my converses and went to the restroom.

slicking back my hair was the hardest part, for it took both arms.

 Lastly, I started to plaster loads of makeup on my face, maybe

this could help hide the pain i felt underneath.

I grabbed my backpack and walked to the stop. 

I couldnt be bothered with Missy and Penelope today. I just wanted to get to school and see Justin and tell him what happened.

I walk through the doors and immediately look for him.

"Hey Ellen." someone said.

I smiled and kept walking.

"Hey..!!" Someone said tugging on my arm.

"ARgghhh! what?!" i say. i was irrated and didnt want to talk to anyone.

Plus my arm was still tender.

"Sorry dude." they apologized.

I kept walking.

Were could he be? I needed him right now.

I walked into the computer lab and saw his brown curls over a computer screen.

I have never ran so fast before in my life. I jump onto him and fight the urge to cry again.

"Slowww doown." he says peeling me off.

Literally. I wouldnt let go of him.

"Justin, Please.. i need you right now." i say looking deeply into his eyes.

"okay." he nods grabbing me by the arm.

"Ahh!" i whimper.

He quickly steps back and looks at me with this expression in his eyes

i have never seen before.

Kind of like disappointment, or anger.

He knew.

He knew i started back cutting.

"Justin listen." i say as he starts to walk away.

"No Ellen. Just no." he says walking away.

His sister was just like me. We use to be best friends in eigth grade

but she was a frequent cutter.

And one day she accidently cut to deep and she died.

Me and Justin in her honor decided to never from that day on touch a razor to our skin, and didnt hang around people who did.

So i expected this.

"im sorry you dont understand!" i plead.

He stops walking but doesnt face me. i can see him trembling.

"I dont understand. Nice move Ellen. Really. I think i know more than you."

"Okay, dont bring that up i know already, our pact we made. But this is an exception."

"There is no exceptions Ellen." he says whipping around to face me.

His eyes buldged and his jaw clenched.

"Daisy. She was so sweet, so innocent and nice. I had no idea she even did that stuff until then. I mean she was my sister and we told each other everything. Everytime i asked her what those marks were on her arms were she would say."oh it was the cat. or she fell." i never believed her anyway."

He said looking down at his toes.

Even though i have heard this over a million times i stay silent.

"And that day.. i found her on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere. Pleading for the pain to stop. I had no idea what to do. I sat there by her side and she acted like everything was normal. We talked about video games and the usual stuff until she stopped talking. I whispered her name and shook her a few times but i new she was gone. My sweet sister was gone. Daisy died right there in my arms." he shook his head.

i step closer and whisper his name.

He steps back as if we were magnets repeling each other.

"No.Ellen. I cant." he says picking his backpack up and leaving the lab.

The only person i could talk to about this gone.

I yank my head back and the urge to cry came back.

Slowly tears spilled over my face and i scooted down to the floor and buried

my face in my hands.

How could he. Just leave me like that. And i need him.

I cry and cry for a while, then decide to get up and go to cla­ss.

i know i looked a mess but i couldnt care less.

I just wanted out

I plug in my Ipod and chose "The way she feels." By between the Trees.

This song described how i felt perfectly.

Everyone tried to talk to me and find out what was wrong but i just stared at them and said nothing.

Only thing i was looking forward to was the concert tonight.

Time passed slowly, usually it goes by quicker as if the seconds ran and tripped over each other and the same for minutes. But today was just extra slow.

Justin avoided me all day. I couldnt believe him.