Midnight Thoughts

Black Voids

There's this void.
It's completely black.
It sucks out all joy
And never brings it back.
It floats around different
People's heads at different
Times and let's them feel it:
Sadness.
You can sometimes tell when
People have it
Attached to their souls
Sucking out the light
That seems to leave them whole.
There are people who aren't affected
And afraid to constantly be
Themselves for the world to see.
There are people who aren't
Judged by how they react.
There are people who don't care.
Sadly I'm not one of them.
I like to think that the people
Who are never affected
By this black void
Are the angels in the world.
They're the ones always searching
For the good in the world
For the light that supposedly
Shines down on everyone.
Now don't get me wrong
Everyone can become
An angel just by
Overcoming who they thought
They were and bettering themselves.
But even still
There's this black hole
And it's hanging over my head.
I feel it all the time-
This feeling of dread.
One day I think I'll be normal
And okay for once in my life
But this black void-
This black hole
That seems to suck the joy
Out of living shows up
And knocks at my door
Time and time again.
It seems I can't get rid of it.
I've tried remedies
Of baking
Of using essential oils
Of lighting candles and
Using blankets to
Pretend I'm being held
When I'm not okay
But nothing seems to be working.
Nothing seems to let
This black void out.
It is a constant reminder
To me and everyone
Around me that I'm not
Alright no matter how
Hard I try to be.
This black void hangs
For the world to see.
It shows all my insecurities.
I felt lifeless.
Then one day I saw
This person who
Seems to have a battle of their
Own going on
But still continued to shine.
It was almost as if I
Couldn't see their
Black cloud hanging above
Their head.
It was as if
Although they knew
Their problems
They blocked it
From their mind.
They acted like an angel
But when they were alone
That's when their
True self was shown.
They broke down.
They shut people out.
But I would've
Never guessed that's what
Was happening because
They treated me with so much
Care that I thought
I was safe from my black void.
They made me feel protected
And safe from my own troubles
From my own black hole.
For once
The black hole hanging above my
Head slowly gave back
Life to my soul.
Slowly it let me feel alive
Instead of feeling the harsh
Grip it had on my heart.
It let me breathe instead
Of feeling like I was choking
Every couple of seconds.
I felt free.
But as most know
All good things
Must come to an end
And before I knew it
It was gone.
Gone was the feeling
Of giddiness at the
Sound of his voice
And gone was the feeling
Of calmness once I
Found out some things they did.
This person hurt themselves
From an anger deep within
And who knows
Maybe they hurt others around them.
And just when that black hole
Had given me back
My happiness
My life
My ability to feel free-
It was gone.
Taken.
Slowly it came back
Despite my attempts
To make it go away.
It came back to me
Like a loyal dog.
My own personal
Black void that felt
Like my own personal hell
Came back to me
And once more sucked
Everything out of me.
Because it's the most
Loyal thing that's
Been constant in my life.
There's this black void it's
A timeless space between
I'm dead inside and
"I'm fine".
It hurts people by
The weapon it chooses.
But the weapon is unique
Designed specifically for them.
Most voids use the most
Powerful weapon of all:
Their mind.
It makes them feel insane
For feeling sad
It makes them feel torn apart inside.
There's this black void
That sucks out everything
From your soul
To your heart.
And just when I thought I had
Fought hard enough
I lost or maybe I won.
My emotions are gone
And I no longer feel a thing
But I don't know what's worse
Not feeling a thing
And feeling like a corpse
Or feeling sadness and
Anger for who you are.
There are people who learned
To not care
And I said I wasn't one of them
But now
I think I am.
I don't care about my sadness
My anger
The hurt deep down.
I don't care if I eat or starve.
I'm done caring
Because of the hell my
Black void has put on me.
I've simply
Gone
Numb
And I think
I
Might
Be
Okay
With
It.
I guess we'll never know.

Black Voids  5/10/20 23:31