BTS HYYH Notes (Book 1, 2, BUS Game) // COMPLETE [Part 2]

2022, Jun 13 - Namjoon (I'm Not Okay. And I'm Still The Same)

[Places: Hospital, gas station, road, container town]

I arrived at Jungkook's hospital room in the middle of the night. Jungkook seemed okay. He laughed a lot and talked a lot. I did, too. We talked about the gas station, the weather, and whatever else so we didn't have to talk about what was really important.

Jungkook should've asked. But he didn't. He didn't ask why the others fought that night, why we left, and why we didn't come back.

I was no different. I didn't tell him why I left our lodging without saying anything and didn't ask Seokjin hyung what problems he had with Taehyung. We just swallowed the questions that we should've blurted out.

On our way back, Seokjin hyung asked me if I was okay. "Do you know that you haven't said a word yet?"

I told him I didn't know and I was sorry. I told him I was fine. We parted near the gas station.

I looked around the night street just before I went into the gas station. It was desolate. The red "Do Not Walk" signal turned to the green "Walk" signal at the crosswalk. I crossed the street and walked along the railroad.

The fourth container from the end. We had a campfire here before we left for the sea. This was the first time I came here since that day. (A/N: It was May 21st.)

Dust rose when I opened the container door. I stood there for a while until my eyes got used to the darkness.

From what I'd heard from Jungkook, the others didn't keep in touch with each other. No one updated me about Taehyung, but nothing much would've changed.

(A/N: Again, this is a loop. From this loop, the last time he met Taehyung was May 22nd, not the June 12th - recent one.)

This container was the only place where Taehyung could have taken shelter from his abeoji. I knew it but didn't drop by. It was exhausting enough to go back and forth between the library and gas station. It was the truth and an excuse at the same time. Deep down inside, I might have been avoiding Taehyung. I couldn't afford to confront Taehyung, it was too emotionally exhausting.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see different corners of the container. They were filled with memories of us sharing our lives together. I told Seokjin hyung that I was okay, but really, I wasn't.

Jungkook who got into an accident couldn't be okay. It couldn't be okay to just drown what happened that night all at once. If Taehyung and Seokjin hyung hadn't got into a fight that night, if I'd stayed with the others, if anyone had been with Jungkook, then there wouldn't have been an accident.

But I said I was okay. I casually chatted with him as if none of it was my fault and tapped him on his shoulder, telling him to recover quickly. I said it like it was a word of blessing or advice or consolation.

I hadn't changed a bit. I was always hesitant before asking questions and making choices at a fork in the road.