BTS HYYH Notes (Book 1, 2, BUS Game) // COMPLETE [Part 2]

2022, May 22 - Namjoon (Younger Than Me)

[Places: Sea, Pine forest]

"He's only a year younger than I am. No, I didn't say so. I'm older. I know. But he's not a kid anymore. It's time he started taking care of himself. I got it. I got it. No, I'm not mad. Sorry." I looked down at the ground after I hung up on the phone.

We were on our way to our lodging after spending the day at the beach. A lukewarm breeze was blowing our way. It felt like my heart was clogged and would burst out any minute. Ants were marching in file on the ground covered with sand and dirt.

It wasn't that I didn't love my parents. It wasn't that I didn't worry about my dongsaeng. I'd turn a deaf ear to them if I could, but I knew I'd never be able to. I knew that all too well. Then, what was the use of struggling, losing my temper, feeling distressed, and trying to break free?

Far off, someone was standing still like me with his back turned. It was Jungkook. Jungkook once told me, "I want to be just like you when I grow up." I couldn't bring myself to confess that I was far from an adult, let alone an exemplary one. It seemed too brutal to crush his hope then. I couldn't tell someone so young, someone who hadn't been given the trust, support, and affection he deserved, that you don't just become an adult by getting older and taller. I wish Jungkook's future would be a kinder to him than mine was to me, but I couldn't promise that I'd be of any help to him along the way.

***

(A/N: Detailed version than the first one above.)

“We’re only a year apart. No, apparently someone said so. I’m the hyung, of course. I know. But he can’t be a young kid forever. Isn’t it time that he deal with it alone? Fine. I said it’s fine. No, I’m not getting angry. I apologise.”

Hanging up the phone, I looked down at the floor. The lukewarm sea breeze shook the pine forest as it passed by. I felt like my heart was going to burst. On the ground, half dirt rather than sand, ants lined up to head in some direction.

If someone had the ability to understand me, both in the material and symbolic sense, would they be able to see where I was going – and why?

It’s not that I didn’t love my parents. It’s not that I wasn’t worried for my dongsaeng. If I could, I’d ignore them, but because I can’t be anything other than myself, I definitely couldn’t do that. So if that’s the case, what was the point in struggling like this anyway – getting angry, frustrated, and wanting to leave?

I saw the back of someone in the distance, standing as if holding a grudge, much like myself. It was Jungkook. There was a time Jungkook had said this: “I want to become an adult like you, hyung.”

Back then, I could not respond. That I’m not such a good adult – no, that I’m not even an adult. Back then, it felt like that would be too cruel to say. I had to acknowledge his trust and interest, somewhat; I could not tell such a young friend who had not received affection that just because one grows older, taller, and lives a bit more, it did not mean they became an adult.

I had wished that Jungkook’s future would be a bit kinder than mine, but I wasn’t able to promise that I would help his growth.

Approaching him, I put my arm around his shoulder. Jungkook raised his eyes and looked at me.