BTS HYYH Notes (Book 1, 2, BUS Game) // COMPLETE [Part 2]

2022, Aug 11 - Taehyung (Changes)

[Places: Convenience store, walls and alleys, Kim's house]

(A/N: Loop #1)

I came out of the convenience store after finishing my shift. I habitually took out my phone, but there were no missed calls or messages. It was sundown, and the street was full of people busily walking by. I put both of my hands into my pockets and walked on. A sultry wind swept across the road. I started to sweat after taking a few steps. How much longer was this summer going to last? I kicked the ground, frustrated.

I kept walking with my head bent low and stopped in front of a familiar-looking wall. It was the wall where that kid drew her first graffiti.

(A/N: Sorta throwback. PS: I'm gonna use 'kid' or 'that girl' to that person lol.)

I automatically looked around. Since that night when I left her in the alley and came out in front of the headlights of the patrol car by myself, I hadn't seen her in my neighborhood. I discovered a large "X" sprayed over her graffiti as I tried to find her traces. What did it mean?

Various images overlapped the "X"ed out graffiti. The image of her laughing at me when I tried to lie on the railroad and hit my head. And how she got me back up to my feet when I helped her flee and fell. How she lost her temper when I took her bread and ate it. How she looked gloomy every time she passed by the photo studio with family pictures on display.

I'd told her as we sprayed this wall side by side, "Don't think you have to carry the burden alone. Share it with others."

The giant "X" was sprayed over all those memories. It seemed to scream that they were fake. That they were all lies. I'd never really looked at this wall since that day.  I was about to turn around when I discovered a short sentence written in tiny characters under the "X." ‘It's not your fault’ was scratched into the wall. It was that kid. I didn't see her write it or recognize her handwriting, but I just knew.

“It's not your fault." It was that kid.

(A/N: Kinda throwback, again)

I recalled the day I blindly set off to find eommeoni. I kept marching frantically, filled with seething resentment, but in the end I couldn't get anywhere that day. While walking back home empty-handed, I turned my head towards the city where she lived. The city was receding under the light of the day dawning in the east.

(A/N: End of throwback.)

I felt like crying. Something that I'd been firmly clinging to seemed to be slipping through my fingers. Lumps of hard feelings noiselessly fell apart. It felt sad and sorrowful, as if I'd given up something that shouldn't be given up.

"It's not your fault." The sentence reminded me of how I felt at that time.

I started walking again. I passed through narrow alleys and went up and down countless slopes. Finally, my house, Magnolia Mansion (A/N: sometimes this name refers to Mokryeon Apartment), came into view.

I climbed the stairs. When I stood in front of the door, I could hear abeoji's heavy breathing and the clattering of liquor glasses. I turned around, placed my hands on the guardrail, and looked out. The sun had already set. Its dim red tint was disappearing from the darkening sky.

"It's not your fault." I muttered.

I took a deep breath, turned around. It was like a last farewell.

"The reason I'm leaving is not your fault. All the things that happened to you is not because you are a bad person. So don’t blame yourself or feel bad," it was telling me to have courage.

(A/N: End of sorta throwback from the first one lmao. Sorry.)

I was already in front of my house when I came back to my senses. My noona's scream came behind the doors. I burst through the door. A familiar scenery was shown in front of me. I stopped my abeoji. I grabbed his arm and looked at him in the eye. Abeoji seemed surprised at first but in the end he swung his fist at me. I fell to the ground multiple times. The sound of my noona's cry was getting louder. My jaw was hurting. Mouth was filled with the taste of iron. But I didn't give up. I held abeoji by the waist. He screamed with angry voice. Punches were getting poured on my back and shoulder but as he did that, I grabbed on to him harder.

It wasn't that it wasn't painful, it wasn't that I wasn't afraid. However, if I let go of this hand, the cycle will continue. I wanted to change. I wanted to change.

I don't want to. I'm different from you, abeoji. I'm going to protect this family.

***

(A/N: Loop #2)

I walked for a long while with hands shoved into my pockets. I tried my best not to look up at the sky or to look around. I passed Yoongi hyung's workroom, a construction site, Naeri gas station, the Mokryeon Apartments, and Gyeongil Hospital. If I looked, I'll be afraid I would remember what Seokjin hyung had told me, so I walked with my eyes glued to the ground.

Seokjin hyung had told us matter-of-factly, but we couldn't listen matter-of-factly. What he said was not something you could listen to by just sitting down. I went over it countless times. I thought they were all dreams, but they really had happened.

After Seokjin hyung finished telling us, silence lasted a long time. No one spoke, but the thunderous silence shook the container.

(A/N: Moments later.)

Only when I got to my graffiti did I finally look up. Seokjin hyung in my nightmare was still there. I didn't feel a chill exuding from it. I wasn't afraid anymore. I touched his vacant eyes. Did destiny really exists?

I heard someone singing from afar. If everything has been decided, then the fact that I am standing here and now had been decided, too? Then someone among us will die or get into an accident. Maybe we had all survived and I was still here because he did not give up on us.

I drew the pupils with my fingers. Maybe the future would change depending on how we were to draw the present now.

I left the alley and looked at the city. I saw Songju Jeil High School in the distance. Behind it were the railways and the stream. Beyond them would be the big, wide world.

I felt like crying, so I shoved my hands back into my pockets and walked with my head hung low.