Hidden secrets

/22/

China

"Do you still plan on acting until you get sick and tired of it?" Cam asked while cuddling next to me.

"Yeah, I lost a lot of jobs two years ago. It would have been really good for me but things happen." I sighed.

"Everyone loses jobs, Chi. You've always been a phenomenal actress and the whole world knows that." He whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek.

"How long do you want to wait until we make things official." I asked while facing him. He didn't answer me, he just kissed me very passionately over and over again.

"Not very long." He whispered and kissed my neck and back to my lips. He started to lift my shirt and tug on my shorts for me to remove them, but I could do nothing but overthink

"Cameron." I stopped him, "I don't know if we're at this point yet." I explained.

"We're there, Chi. We've always been at this point." He reassured me. He continued kissing me all over and eventually I gave in. We took turns removing clothing very slowly. It always felt easy with Cameron. I wish I could describe the love I feel for him and how fucking terrified I am.

"Wait." I stopped him, "Do you have a condom?" I asked.

"We don't need one." He kissed my lips, "Are you ready?" He asked.

"Of course." I said nervously as he gently entered inside me. The rest of the night consisted of soft moans and hopes of this never ending.

-
It's been 3 days. 3 days since Cameron and I slept together. 3 days since he left a note after I fell asleep apologizing and explaining he wasn't ready for that step in our relationship and 3 days since he has completely avoided me. I couldn't help but watch him across the room flirt with Brenna and Sarah while rehearsing.

"Chi, Are you okay?" Bri asked. She finally came to visit me and booboo.

"No." I sighed, "I know I've slept with other people before but with Cam.. I just.. I feel dirty and stupid." I shook my head.

"He knew." Boo shook his head, "He knew he wasn't ready and he still let it get that far. I'm sorry, Chi." Boo whispered.

"I want a drink." I blurted out.

"What?" Bri and Boo questioned at the same time.

"I need a drink. I want to drink." I spat out, "I'm going to see my therapist." I got up and walked towards the door.

"CHINA! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Kenny yelled through the Microphone. I looked at him and everyone else that had all eyes on me.

"I've been seeing a therapist and I really need to go see her right now." I gently shouted back. I made eye contact with Cam and broke it immediately before leaving the room. I walked two miles down the road before I made it to my appointment.. well, the appointment in my head.

"Miss McClain?" Mrs. Rice questioned

"I need to talk." I begged.

"Of course, follow me." We went to her office and sat down in the bean bag chairs, "Whats up?" She asked.

"I want to drink." I spat out.

"Okay, did anything trigger this mindset?" She asked.

"Yeah, Cameron." I said sadly, "We took your advice and went back to my room to talk things out and we ended up cuddling and one thing led to another.. We slept together. It was too soon and we both know that but he left me a note the next morning about how he wasn't ready for that step yet and he has avoided me every since." I paused, "I want to drink."

"How does this make you feel besides wanting to drink." She asked.

"It's weird.. it kind of makes me feel like I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. I feel used." I sighed, "and stupid."

"You're not stupid. You love him and deep inside he loves you. Have you considered confronting him?"

"No. I haven't considered it.. I'm sad all over again and I try to avoid confrontation every chance I get."

"Confront him." She shrugged, "hash things out again but from what I saw three days ago.. you two love each other and I meant it when I said I'm rooting for you two, but remember to know your worth. China, I'm proud of you. I believe the girl you were two years ago wouldn't have thought about coming to a therapist before taking a drink. You are a remarkable young lady. The world is yours." She smiled.

"Thank you." I got up and felt a lot of relief, "for everything. I'll see you next Saturday?" I asked.

"Or anytime before that." She smiled. I walked out to be greeted by Bri and Boo.

"You good?" Boo asked.

"I'm good." I smiled. We walked back to our Apartment when I saw Brenna go into Cameron's room and I felt so much anger.

"Hey guys, I'm going to hit the sheets for a minute. I'll catch up later." I explained.

"You sure?" Bri asked.

"Yeah." I yawned. I opened up my door with tired eyes when I was welcomed by Cameron sitting on my bed. "What are you doing here? You have someone waiting for you in your room." I scolded.

"She's not there for me. You went to therapy without me?" He snapped.

"Who is she with then? I went to therapy because I wanted to do nothing but drink thanks to you." I groaned.

"Why? What did I do to make you want to drink." He chuckled.

"So this is funny to you? You slept with me, avoided me the last few days and flirted with your ex right in front of me!" I paused, "I feel used and I feel so fucking stupid. You know, I told you that we weren't ready, Right? Do you remember that?" I snapped, "so instead of drinking I saw a therapist who is very fucking proud that I didn't give in to at least alcohol."

"I felt a lot the other night." He admitted, "I felt emotional and my love for you just got stronger and that scared me." He admitted. I couldn't help but burst into tears.

"Fuck this is hard." I cried and sat on the bed

"I didn't mean to make you feel used or stupid.. I do love you so fucking much." He explained as he leaned in for a hug.

"We're either going to make this official or this has to be over because I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of still going back and fourth. What the fuck do you want from me Cameron?"

"I just.. I want you."

"Then fucking show it."

"Okay." Cameron rushed towards me and kissed me gently, "Let's go back to see Mrs Rice."