I Get A Kick Out of You

Chapter 36

"I don't understand," Cillian said. Ethan, who had his arms crossed and looking upset, explained, "Your dad and my mom are having a baby. That's so lame!" Ben closed his eyes and sighed. He really did not need this right now.

Once again, he told them, "She was going to have a baby. You two are still a bit too young to understand this, but sometimes mummy's have something called miscarriages. Unfortunately, that means the baby couldn't...well, couldn't survive. It's nobody's fault, it just happens."

Ethan perked up a bit at that. "Wait," he said, "so mom isn't having a baby?" The thought pained Ben. As soon as he saw blood seep through her pants when they were on their way to the hospital, he knew and his heart shattered.

"No," he croaked out. While Cillian looked disappointed, Ethan let out a breath of relief. Ben looked at him in complete shock. "Ethan, this is serious," he sternly told him. "Your mother is in pain. Not just physically, but mentally. She lost a child, your brother or sister. If you even think about pulling this in front of her, you are in serious trouble, young man."

Ethan nearly scoffed, but seeing the look on Ben's face made him think twice about it. "You're not my dad," he sharply told him. Ben chuckled a bit as he said, "Oh yeah? How do you think your mum would take it if I grounded you for how you're behaving? Think she'll defend you or me?"

That got Ethan to quiet down, but still look mad as hell.

"Dad," Cillian said. Ben took a calming breath as he asked, "Yeah, bud?" Cillian looked to Ethan, then back over to his father. "I'm sad. About the baby." Ben opened his arms to his son and Cillian went into them. "Me, too," he told him.

"Will you and Cassie have another?" Cillian innocently asked. Ben tried to carefully think about his answer. "Erm...well, maybe," he said. "Once she gets better and when we talk about our future together. Not just ours, but your's and Ethan's."

Cillian seemed confused. "But she was already having a baby, so you already talked about it." This kid caught on way too quickly for him sometimes. "Uh...well, son, it's not that simple. Sometimes women get pregnant on accident. They don't mean to, it just happens. That's what happened with us."

Ethan piped in, "Because you two have sex." Ben nearly choked on his own spit. "What, um...uh, well, we...we do what people in relationships do when they love each other. We show our love in...in that, um...in that specific...way. Yes."

The boys looked at him oddly. He's never felt so awkward in front of his son, that's for certain. He didn't even feel this way when he gave the talk!

"If you boys have questions about...well, that...feel free to ask me, or Ethan you can ask your mum or dad. Look, boys, just do me a favor and be extra good for us? Please?" Cillian immediately nodded, but Ethan seemed like he had to think about it.

Ben gave him a stern look. "Ethan," he warned. Ethan sighed as he told him, "Fine."

Ethan may have been acting like a hard-ass and like he didn't care, but as soon as he saw Cassie, that all changed. Her eyes were red and cheeks were stained from crying. Her hair was a mess, her clothes were askew. The sadness in her eyes were worse than he's ever seen. It just didn't look like her.

When she was finished hugging Ben and went over to him, he hugged her like his life depended on it. He didn't like seeing her sad. He hated it more than anything in this world. It was like something clicked when he realized all of this.

"I'm sorry, mom," he sincerely told her. He could tell that's what she needed to hear. As small and cliché as it was, it mattered to her.

"Thank you, baby," she told him. After she pulled away, she still kept him close and told Ben, "I want to go home." He nodded quickly as he said, "Of course, darling. Come on, boys, let's get her out of here."

Ben desperately wanted to hold Cassie's hand or comfort her in any way as they made their way to the car, but Ethan was doing that himself. He was clinging onto her side as they walked and Ben could already tell that getting some alone time was going to be rough. As much as he loved seeing Ethan in the complete opposite mood that he was just a few minutes ago, he and Cassie really needed to talk.

Unfortunately, he was right about getting alone time. Ethan wouldn't let Cassie on her own for anything. He was acting like he was before when she was sad. This time, however, Ben could see that she wasn't getting annoyed. He could see that she really needed it. He could also tell that she was bottling up her feelings and needed to let them out.

"Honey," Ben quietly called from the doorframe of the living room. Cassie, Ethan and Cillian were sitting on the couch watching a movie. He gestured for her to follow him when she looked at him. When she got up, however, so did Ethan.

"Erm, buddy," Ben gently said, "I need to speak with your mum alone." Ethan seemed almost offended. "It's okay," Cassie told him. "I'll be back in a few minutes." He still didn't look okay with it.

Cassie quietly walked into the bedroom with Ben. As soon as he shut the door, however, the waterworks started. "Oh, baby, come here," Ben cooed. She fell into his arms and cried like she's never cried before.

Ben was right there with her, letting his tears go down his cheeks. They've both been holding in so many emotions today, it was insane how neither of them have broken down yet.

Cassie was crying into his teeshirt while he was letting out some tears for himself. He was trying to be strong, but it was just so damn hard! "Ben," she cried. He hugged her tighter and softly asked, "Yeah, baby?"

She looked up at him with red eyes and stained cheeks. It broke his heart. "Are you mad at me?" She asked, her voice breaking. His mouth dropped open in shock. He couldn't believe that she would even ask such a thing!

"Cass," he gasped. "Cassie...no! No, God no! How could you ask something like that? Baby, this isn't your fault, not in the slightest. These things happen, honey." She looked almost angry and appalled at him. "But I'm the one that stopped taking the pills!" She practically yelled at him.

"You weren't the one on anti-depressants! You weren't the one who was so scared of not loving your child again! My postpartum depression, Ben, that was...God, it was so awful. I didn't feel anything for Ethan. As a matter of fact, he disgusted me. Joel was my rock and he did everything he could to help. I put him through so much and I would hate to do the same to you. I was so damn stressed about all of that and...and it led to this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lost our baby."

Ben could actually feel his heart break. He had no idea about the thoughts she had. He felt shame for himself because he knew she went through postpartum depression, but never bothered to ask about how she felt about it now. He knew she wasn't feeling herself, but he felt he didn't do enough to help. He was too engrossed in the fact the baby might actually not be his and he consumed himself in work because of it.

"Honey," he said, "if anything...if anything, this is my fault. I didn't take care of you like I should have. I didn't check up on you, didn't even bother to ask if you were okay. Cassie, I am so sorry. If there's someone you should be mad at, it's me."

She brought him down for a hug as she cooed, "Oh, Ben. I'm not mad at you, not at all. You didn't exactly sign up for a majorly depressed, knocked up girlfriend, did you?" He chuckled at that and pulled her close.

"If I had to help anyone through a time like that, I would choose you a hundred times over," he told her. "I love you and that will never change. Not ever."