Let The Past Die (Kylo Ren x reader)

3. We Are The Same

The Resistance had had a couple of old N-1 starfighters stashed away under tarps, hardly suitable for stealthy Resistance missions, with their gleaming yellow exterior. At least that's what I told myself to justify my actions the night after the destruction of Starkiller Base, when I snuck out under the cover of darkness, bag thrown over my shoulder, and stole one. The eleven meter ship wasn't the most inconspicuous thing to flee in, but it was a one-way ticket to solitude, and I figured it would do the job. I did a quick pre-flight check and didn't notice anyone sneaking up on me. I heard my name and spun around like a frightened Ewok. Leia was stood watching me with her hands clasped in front of her, and a disappointed rather than angry look on her face. All of a sudden I felt ashamed.

"That's the second time today that someone's snuck up on me" I said jokingly, doing a bad job of hiding my own disappointment. "Seems I'm not very good at all this Jedi stuff."

"What are you doing?"

A beat.

"I-... Ah... I'm just-"

"Don't leave like he did" she pleaded, a hint of conviction in her voice, as if I hadn't already thought about sucking it up and sticking around. "Luke gave up. Don't follow in his footsteps."

I dropped my bag on the ground by my feet. How could I explain that I was of no use to her if she did not already see it herself?

"You've still got Rey." I crossed my arms and leaned against the buffed chromium finish of the N-1, shaking my head. I didn't mean to sound jealous, it wasn't the Jedi way, but I still felt it.

"I know what happened on Yavin 4" she said, ignoring my remark. "I feel how you suffer."

"I don't even know what happened!" I exclaimed, quickly silencing myself. She didn't deserve my outbursts, especially since I knew what she had lost herself.

"Kylo Ren happened."

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I looked up at her. In all her regalness, her wisdom, she suddenly looked more human than I'd ever seen her before. She took a few trying steps towards me.

"Ren?" I repeated, confused. "He burned the temple? He killed-... killed all the Jedi?"

Her gaze fell to my feet, but she might as well have been staring into the past. She looked so defeated.

"It's my fault" she confessed.

I stretched my back, letting my arms drop to my sides. The wind rustled lightly through the grass. I tried to make sense of this whole mess, but something wasn't adding up.

"What do you mean? How could it be your fault?"

"I sent him away, and I lost him. I never should have-"

In a few quick steps I bridged the gap between us. She was my general and my master, but having trained with her for the last six years, she was also the closest thing I had to a friend, and the only one who knew what I had been through. I wasn't sure what she meant, but the guilt was evident in her eyes, so I wrapped my arms around her. She squeezed me tight. I detected a scent of lavender.

"Don't take credit for that monster" I said determinedly. "He has taken so much from both of us, and he did it all by himself."

We stood like that for several minutes, arms around each other, comforting each other in the most fundamental way humans knew how. Then she spoke, and I broke the embrace.

"You've done well in your training." Her hands were still on my upper arms, her eyes locked onto mine. "You're impatient, distant, right now" she said with resolve. "But you're stronger than you think. Don't let your contempt for yourself get in your way."