(GxG) Friends Can Break Your Heart Too || JENLISA (COMPLETED)

Heartful Thank You!

A year after finishing the book, it's only now that I'm writing this author's note. It's just that I felt like a different person and my angsty writing days are long past over. HECK I'M EVEN OUT AND PROUD NOW! I THOUGHT I'D LIVE MY WHOLE LIFE AS A LIE AND HAVE A KID WITH A NICE IDEAL GUY (WHO ONLY EXISTS IN FANTASIES LMAO).

Some of you had reached out to me on instagram and I'm really, really privileged to be of some help to other girls who are in the same situation as the me from before. That is why I decided to write this longass note and share my coming out experience to all those who still haven't come to terms with who they are or to those who are still afraid of coming being judged by the society we live in.

If you've read my author's notes since day 1, you'll realize that this book served as my voice where I could bring out all the things I blocked and filtered out of existence due constant fear and weakness (as all of us who grew up different constantly struggle with). By writing about my feelings, my wants, my needs, and putting them to life, I was left with no choice but to confront it and it made me so, so vulnerable. Constantly, I cried, I suffocated as if the gaping hole in my chest would swallow me whole, but it doesn't. I write and cry, not knowing if I'm crying for the characters or I'm crying for myself. Slowly but surely, I started accepting myself, I started loving myself more, I stopped thinking I was unlovable, I stopped being too hard on myself,  and thus from the ashes I burned myself, a new and better me had arisen. A new me who can love others, for I have already accepted myself. When you love yourself and accept your faults and weaknesses, when you start being honest, when you start accepting yourself, you learn to love others as well because how we see the world is a mere projection of how we see ourself. So if you are still in the closet, it isn't the people around you that you need to change but how you see yourself. If you have conviction in who you are, then people will eventually budge and see you for who you really.

Last year, I officially came out to everyone here in Malaysia and to my closest friends. Everyone accepted me and loved me for who I am. There were those who can't accept (typically the Muslims hahah), but I understand that it's only because they haven't been exposed to such things and are still ignorant homosexuality because it is rarely talked about in the media, but when you constantly educate them, eventually they will start to understand. I couldn't count how many of the people I know were against homosexuality at first but now they even defend me and my choices.

At the end of last year, I cut my hair really short as a social experiment to see how everyone would react, and if they would treat me differently, but to my surprise, my life became so much better (I only get pestered by boys occasionally now haha). I even dress up androgynously, not caring about what other people might think and I feel so much lighter. To other girls, I want you all to know that it's alright to show who you really are—always remember that other people's judgement are insignificant. These people don't matter in your life and so are their opinions.

I was lucky because I was abroad and it was so easy to reinvent myself and be the person that I wanted to become. But for most of us, the thing that we are most afraid of is our family and the conservative society wr grew up in. Trust me, it doesn't come easily and fast. What I did is to slowly open up myself and show everyone how I am. And no matter how much they cried about my short hair, about my new dress code, I remained firm and didn't give a shit about what they had to say. And slowly, they started to budge and accept, seeing how much happy and honest I had become. I bet my mom is secretly praying for me to turn straight though haha.

Welp that was a longass note. But once again, thank you very much for listening to the voice in my head that I've long silenced. You guys helped a lot in my journey to self-discovery and acceptance. I hope that through this story, I was able to ignite the passion, hunger, and longing in your hearts. And what you do with that hunger is up to you. Let's all live a gay and happy life!

Adios!