Red and Violent ✔️

Chapter 31: Letting Go

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. An 808 drum beat was your heart. You couldn't control the sweat falling from your forehead.

'Cathy, don't overthink it. Please don't. We've got this through. It's okay.'

The door knob took a full turn and you swallowed. This is it. He got in and turned on the light. He looked exhausted and down. He shuffled his feet on the floor in a slow pace. His eyes were closed like he had no energy to hold them up. His head bowed down and his arms flailing.

He looked like he went into a washing machine and came out wrinkled and distressed. You forgot how to breathe when he opened his eyes and stared. He walked towards you like he was seeing a mirage.

His pace got faster as he realized that, yes, that's you. He slowly touched your shoulder in fear and then took back his hands to his side. He swallowed and closed his eyes and shook his head.

You started crying. You could hear his rejection and see it on his body. You stood up and started moving to the door. At this point words will make no sense. His body spoke louder than any mic. You were past him when he turned and slowly held your hand.

"Does it hurt when I hold your hand?" He said in a shattered voice. Stuttering between each letter. You turned around flowing with tears.

"It hurts when you don't." You bursted. You were too afraid to move.

Your words filled with need. You needed him. You needed to feel his chest against yours but you couldn't do it. Your body was paralyzed. You felt his other hand holding yours.

"It doesn't hurt when I hold the other hand?" His words broken. His eyes held oceans of tears and it held desperation in its waves.

"Don't let go." You were vulnerable.

You were flowing with absolute nonsense. Your heart was the only thing functioning and your brain was on a break. You didn't think. You felt. What you felt, you said and what you said, you couldn't control.

You were too afraid that he'd let go and tell you how much pain you've put him through. You were too afraid that he'd tell you that you'd be a weight that he needs nothing of. You were too afraid to hear him say that he won't be able to do it. He won't be able to look at you after he's seen you broken. The sight was enough for him to recoil. Telling him a word about your past would be useless.

"I can't do it." He uttered out of breath, trying to get in as much oxygen into his lungs.

He uttered the words you anticipated and you kneeled down in understanding. As you did, he let go of your hands. When he let go your body seemed foreign to you, like you never owned it. You almost tripped when you attempted getting up and he held you in his embrace so you don't fall. He stayed silent, breathing on your neck. His grip getting tighter. He finally seemed to be able to speak through his heavy breaths.

"I can't live with the idea of losing you. I can't live without your being more than a hotel room away. I lived a week of absolute torture knowing that you were in pain and that I couldn't be there for you."

You were crying on his shirt feeling it getting wet. Your feet got weak and he held you tighter in his embrace impulsively. He took you off the floor and put you on the bed. He brushed your tears away from your face and resumed.

"I couldn't function. I couldn't function this whole week. I wanted to run to you even if it had to be two marathons to get to you, even if it meant I'd cross country borders. I didn't realize how I feel about you until I was this close to losing you." He held your face into his hands and he buried it into his chest.

"I watched all the footage I had of the festival and I saw your blue eyes and your golden smile. The way you held yourself held on to my heart and refused to let go. I remembered the nights I cried in your hug and knew that this is the only protection I need from the stones the haters throw at me. You're my citadel and your mere existence protected me from all the dark thoughts I could've gotten consumed by."

I remember holding you after you sleep and see your chest going up and down. I'm too creepy, I know. I couldn't smile at anything but at the thought of your hands in mine. I couldn't smile at anything but the thought of having you sit next to me even in utter silence. I felt helpless in a catastrophic sense."

"I felt like the hotel walls would close in and suffocate me. I don't fucking care if I sound needy. I don't fucking care any more, Kaesolin. All I care about is you. All I care about is knowing you're safe and healthy and I don't fucking care if it's going to take my whole energy for exist to make sure that you don't fall again and I don't care if you've got volcanoes under your shell. I'll hold your lava and endure the burns only to have you with me. I don't fucking care, Kaesolin. I just don't." He started panting trying to take a breath so he can keep on telling you how he felt.

"I love you, Jeon Jungkook." You found yourself saying, interrupting him. It felt effortless. It felt natural. It felt like your lips were saying them every single minute of every single day. It felt too real.

The words made themselves vivid in the room and came out with fireworks going off in your head. You relaxed. You didn't think once. You didn't think about stopping yourself. You wanted to let those words manifest. You let those words out and you didn't fucking care.

"I love you, Catherine Reid." He said with no second of delay. You giggled at his attempt of saying your real name.

"I love you." He repeated and he took you down and spooned you on the bed.

He smelled your hair and sighed. You felt his body unwind and take you in. Both your cries made you feel light. You started to fade into sleep holding each other. You faded into sleep knowing that you both are in all-firedest love. You didn't need kissing because those confessions mean more than locking lips. Those words broke locks that held the chains to your heart. You'll unlearn what you think love is. You don't yet know what you're up against; what you're up for.