Red and Violent ✔️

Chapter 50: Through Jungkook's 3

So it was terrifying to see this much pain inside one room. It was terrifying to see eyes that burst with fire and tongues that release blades of pain and with every pain that was inflicted my heart ached. It was seeing her the way she was talking and the way she was moving that made me feel like this is not her. This is not the woman I love.

So, I got on the plane that was all what's in my head. It was all about me running away. I was tired. Every single letter in that fight was seeping blood out of me. It was tiring. It was painful. It was everything I never thought I would ever experience. It was hard. Here I am running away to my house, my home, my family and this is where I need to be. This is where my heart was taking me. I wasn't thinking about her to be honest I was thinking about me. How the pain that I felt engorged me into a pit of fire. I just wanted to be held and told that I didn't have a hand in what happened. I didn't have a hand in anything. I just wanted to be held and told that this didn't happen or that this will never happen again. Having a gun pointed at you, it's the worst fear you could ever feel. So I had to run away I had to get away I had to feel the breeze of Korea on my skin.

Everything was a haze. Performances didn't feel or sound real. I felt detached in the most cinematic way possible. I felt attacked every time I heard shouting or screaming. I didn't sleep the nights and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. 5 days into it and I didn't even hold my phone to check on where she is or what could've happened. I feel my worse for not being able to look at myself in the mirror and respect the person I'm seeing. I feel like a betrayer. But, if my heart beats differently than that day, I'd rather be a betrayer than a victim.

I finally opened the bags I had from that trip to find the cameras she bought me right on top. I moved them away without thought. I didn't want to look at them. I know if I hold them and open them up I'll succumb to the helplessness inside of me. I don't know what I was looking for. I was just rummaging around because maybe my answers of comfort will be found somewhere inside the chaos of my bags. Entropy. Everything felt like I was caught in an entropic setting. The pain inside of me heated my body up and I had no leverage to propel forward.

One night, I had a dream. Kaesolin was sitting on the bed that we first made love on. She was sitting on the edge holding a wrapped gift in her hand.

"I've been waiting for you for days. I think I lost track of time. I don't remember the last time I saw you. Where have you been?" She was holding on tighter to the gift as she spoke. Her eyes weren't watering and her body wasn't shaking. She was filled with disappointment and I could feel it in her voice.

"Why did you leave? Am I this terrifying?" She said letting go of the gift as it fell on the floor and shattered. The scraps of glass turned into dust and the wind blew it towards me. Suddenly I became naked. She didn't look at me. She was looking behind me. Like something was standing right there. I couldn't turn around and look back. My body was fixed in her direction.

"I love you." She said as she walked past me like I was a fragment of dust. When my body turned around with her she looked like she was hugging an invisible figure that wasn't there. "Thank you." She said as she smiled with a golden tear flowing out of her eyes.

I woke up with a tang of longing. Why wasn't I the one she was hugging? Why did I have to watch her walk past me like I never was there. At this moment I wanted to run at her and tell her that I'm the one she should've been hugging. That there's no one in the room to hug but me.

The first thing I realized I was doing was call her brother's residence.

"Paul, sir." I said when he was finally connected to the call.

"Jungkook. How have you been holding up?" The question was surprising. Like he knew I was in pain. Suddenly the tightness on my chest untangled.

"I don't know, sir." It flowed out of me. "I'm afraid."

"Understandable, Jungkook." His sentences were short but the felt like a long paragraph of calming words.

"How is she?" I said looking at the ground like I was avoiding someone's gaze.

"She'll be fine."

"I'm the bad guy, now. Right?"

"No, you're a human, Jungkook. There's no need to feel bad for the way you're feeling."

"She's hating me?"

"No, she isn't. I haven't seen her in days, now."

"What do you mean?"

"She'll be fine, don't worry."

"Paul hyung?"

"Yes?"

"Can I come and get my answers?"

"You're welcome, here, anytime, Jungkook."

"I'll be there."

I hung up and I went on the first plane I could hop on. I needed my answers. I want to be the one she hugs when I get into the room.