**still JK's POV**
I'm at the house's gate. It's terrifying me even though this house holds nothing but good memories. Is this the was she feels every time she's in London? Is this how her heart clenches every time she goes through the terminal? I haven't gotten to experience a fraction of her pain and here I am. My body is shaking.
"Welcome back, Jungkook." Paul said as he opened the door. "Come in." He walked me into the foyer and lead me to his study. I was silent. Like my tongue was eaten by all that I've seen.
"Have a seat, please." I sat down while he walked to the mini bar, "anything?" He said as he pointed at the array of different drinks. I shook my head. I need to be sober for this.
"Now, tell me what's up." He said casually as he sat. Like we're two friends about to have a conversation about last night's match. Him being laid back made me even more worried.
"I feel horrible." I said as I looked up to his face, finally. He said nothing. I know he's listening, however. "I feel horrible for still wanting to run away." I completed. "Does that make me a bad person?" Yes, Jungkook, it does.
"Not at all." Paul stated as he took a sip of his drink like he was monitoring my body language.
"Why are you saying this?" I asked. "Why aren't you mad that I left Kae behind?" My voice started to shake.
"Because, I would've ran, too." He sighed. "The first family conflict I had with my Fiancée was a nightmare. We had a fight after and we didn't talk for a couple of days. I can't imagine how it'd be to be in your place."
"But you didn't leave Kae. You never left her."
"It's because I'm her brother, Jungkook. I have literally shared her pain. I have suffered as much and she stayed, as well." He started explaining calmly. "You're not meant to endure pain when it wasn't meant for you to share. I understand that."
"But, I cannot trust me with her anymore."
"It's okay."
"Why are you like that?" I said in anger. "No one's that understanding!"
"Sometimes all what pain can teach you is understanding the conflicts of others' souls."
"I just want to know why I saw her the way she was back with her mother."
"It's best that she explains. But here's a thing; our mother wasn't a loving mother and that's a thing you must've realized by now."
"She hurt us all. In all direct and indirect ways. Each one in the house dealt with it on different levels. I never saw a shame in our mental illnesses. She saw us as monsters. She wasn't different from any of us, however. The only thing that made us different is we all sought help."
" Kaesolin's bipolar and she suffers from epilepsy. I am bipolar as well. Our little brother is Schizophrenic. My dad was clinically depressed. Mum has antisocial personality disorder. We all have sickness inside of us. We overcame it. It barely affects our lives and that's what it is to conquer them."
"It'll manifest every once in a while. Our pain will be triggered. It'll show its power every once in a while. This is not easy and you should know this Jungkook. Kaesolin's been hiding it but here I am informing you. This is bigger than you. This should terrify you. I can't blame you for running away. But I can't have you going out and then coming back into her life like a pendulum." He ranted and I stayed silent.
I couldn't get half of what he was saying but the words stabbed in the already existing daggers in too deep the handle disappeared.
"So, you think I can't do it?" I shook.
"You can. But you don't have to." And it hit me like a hurricane. "She hits a bump in the road every once in a while. If you don't want to be there because it'll be better for your own well-being. Please know you can't be blamed. You will never be blamed."
"What do I do?" I asked helplessly.
"Know that if you leave she will be fine. If you stayed, her perception of pain will be numbed. Know that you won't be her savior. Know that you won't be her cure because she doesn't need both."
"She needs a supporter. You'll be her walking buddy. You'll be a lover. You'll be a safe haven. That's what she needs. An embrace and an enabler. Don't hold the responsibility for her well-being. If you do, you'll fall into the spiral of your insufficiency whenever she hits a small bump."
"I'm not telling you that because of what is happening right now. I'm telling you this because if you choose to stay, you'll have to stay with these principles."
Every word hit me with a slap. It made me get more lost inside the maze and I didn't know what to do. I must've stayed silent for some time. Paul drank a couple of drinks as I was sitting there staring at his shoes.
He stood up and came with a box and put it on the table.
"This was taken from her when she was admitted into the hospital."
That was the ring I got her. The promise ring. Seeing it made me remember each time our lips touched and our souls intertwined. Months of love and countless moments of endearment. Her laugh and her cries of joy. Every time she trusted me with a part of her. Every time she got undressed both literally and figuratively for me like she's speaking a daily oath of allegiance. Every time she told me that I can't do it; I can't stay with her. She knows who she is and she always warned me. She's aware of her demons. Maybe all I have to do is be aware if them, too. My eyes filled with tears. I made a promise. I made a promise and I shouldn't break it.
"Can you teach me how to love her right, hyung?"
I closed the box and blinked towards him trying to clear the tears. I want to do it. I want to love her. I want to do it right.
YOU ARE READING
Red and Violent ✔️
Lãng mạn|||"Let the LA skies witness the collision of us. Record it in its constellations." You said calmly, high on his lips. "Let it engrave it in its memory, the day I got to lay my lips on yours." Jungkook continued as he took you in his arms.||| More t...
