love is underrated.

Chapter Sixty-One.

This morning felt good. The room was lit as the sun shone down through the windows and he warmth in bed behind me only pulled me closer when I stretched my legs under the comforter. As I awoke from my drowsiness I remember inviting Payton into bed last night and the feeling of waking up next to him and his arm being wrapped round my waist made me feel... safe. It was all still so strange for me to see him have so much feelings towards me and me only feel an inkling back. Those feeling, love, feels so foreign to me. I know I wasn't in love with Jaden and my feeling for him was just built from out long lasting bond but with Payton I didn't know how to feel. I want to feel so many things but nothing inside me is sparking that love. I want to know where it all started and where it all finished and how I can fix things because knowing the such a huge part of my life is missing hurts me more that those first moments waking up in the hospital bed. 

I slinked out of the bed quietly trying not to wake him. As I got out of the bed I looked back at him over my shoulder and he was so adorable while he slept so peacefully. His hair swept across his face and I couldn't help myself. I placed my hand against his cheek and moved the pad of my thumb over his soft skin. I leant down slowly and placed a soft kiss on his jaw line. I appreciate him being so calm in the situation I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for him to lose someone yet have them so close. I turned to walk away and once I got to the door I had one last glance over at him and I couldn't help but smile as I felt a glimmer of something. Appreciation for this boy how was so familiar and made me feel so safe and in my mind it seems as though I bearly know him. 

I walked across the hall and knocked on Jaden's door. "Come in." Anthony's voice spoke. I was hesitant at first but I knew he shared a room with Jaden so I entered anyway. I looked down at Jaden's bed and he was still sleeping. The sheets were pulled down to his waist and his shirtless body lay there as he breath heavy in his dreams. "I can come back." I said as I glanced at all my hatred in the corner. "Just wake him up." Anthony replied bluntly as he looked down at his phone. "Is it for those?" He pointed to the bandages on my wrists. I looked down shy fully and full of shame and I nodded softly. "I was going to talk to you about this." Ant said as he sat up in his bed. "I'm so sorry for all of this I didn't realise the damage I had done until I was sat in that waiting room wishing you were okay." His eyes went soft. Over the last few days it has taught e that life is precious and you should have no regrets or grievances. "You're forgiven." I said as I sat next to a still sleeping Jaden. "Really?' Ant said his eyes now hopeful. "Yeah, I don't want any bad blood I'm sick of the problems you've caused but I'm no longer holding a grudge I have better things to focus on." "Like Payton?" He replied quickly. "Yes for that matter, I am. I plan on it anyway." I stammered unsure of why I was talking to him, out of all people, about this. I looked around the room as and awkward air filled the room. I twiddled with the ring on my finger and I decided to just wake Jaden up instead. 

After a few nudges and tickles on his neck, which I know he loves, he finally wakes up and places his head on my legs refusing to open his eyes. "I need you help remember?" I asked rhetorically. He opened his eyes and looked up and he was brought back to reality. "I was going to shower but I didn't know what to do about these, or if I could shower, or get them wet, or If I needed them changed first. I don't know what the nurse told you to do and I don't want to stu..." I rambled and Jaden just shook his head with the biggest grin on his face. "What?" I pressed. "After all of this you're still you." he said holding my face in his hands. "You going to help or what?" I said brushing him off. "Of course." He nodded and got out of bed. 

At first it was hard to figure out how I was going to do it but Jaden was sure that the nurse said the cuts needed to be washed before they were re-dressed so after he carefully un-bandaged me I got in the shower. Looking down at my now naked arms after theses few days felt strange to me. They still looked like my arms but different. There were haling pretty well. Still a little swollen and read but the majority of the cut had scabbed over with the aid of the stitches of course. A slight moment of weakness will now affect my whole life and my body will have these hideous scars to remind me. I grabbed the shower gel after washing my hair and began to wash my body. I scrubbed everywhere and I forgot for a second and scrubbed hard over on of my cuts and the soap seeped in. I screeched at the pain and crouched to the floor in the shower. "Daisy, are you okay?" The shower curtain flew open and Payton was by my side helping to stand in the shower. I was more bother about him being there than the actual burn of the soap. I pushed him back and grabbed the curtain pulling it close to my chest. 

"Fuck... I just want to see if you were okay. It's a habit coming in here." He said as he paced the bathroom keeping his eyes on my always as his hands rested on the back of his neck. "Habit?" I looking at him confused. "Yes we would be in here all the time together." he said standing still finally. In a nice way I seemed to calm him and make him feel just as safe as he made me feel. "What have we... you know?" I asked. "Yeah you loved it." He smirked. Oh my I slept with him, that was not the information I wanted. "No I meant showered together." I nervously giggled. "Yes thousands of times." I answered leaning against the counter. "Could you help me?" I stuttered as I looked down at my wrists, I couldn't do it, the thought made me queasy. "Are you sure you want me to come in there?" He said gesturing to the curtain still tightly wrapped around me. "You've seen me before." I said quietly, still shy about the whole scenario. "Yeah, I have." He rubbed the back of his neck again. It clicked in my mind that he does this when he's nervous or shy and it game me some reassurance that he felt the same as I did in this situation. He pulled his sweat pants down and looked up at me before looking down at his boxers. "I'll keep these on." He said respectfully. 

Is there anything wrong with this boy. I can understand him completely and it makes me like him even more. I know I would like him even more If I could remember but at this moment in time this is all I have and I'm more that happy with that. His smile said hundreds of words and the way he treats me says hundreds more. I can see the love and passion behind his eyes and I want to be able to give that to him. I'm doing this for him because I want him to be happy and I want me to be happy with him like I was in those photos.