Painting

Chapter 57

My father is trying to take the lock off my door.

-You said the previous owner left it, is that correct?

-Yes.

-Why would they put a lock outside the door?

-I don't know dad.

-Well, who ever did this, did a pretty good job.

-Yes, they did.

I'm trying not to give too many details. I don't want my parents to worry about me. I see him struggling to take it off. Teddy didn't want me to be able to take it off, myself. My father turns around.

-Why do you want me to take it off, if you live alone?

-Because, it bothers me.

-I understand.

After thirty minutes and lot of effort, my dad finally takes it off, without damaging the door too much. While he was working, I made some lemon tea.

-It's done.

-Nice! Thank you! Here, I made you some tea, if you want to sit down and talk.

-Of course.

He sits down in front of me at the table and he takes one sip of his tea.

-So how is mom?

-She is good, she is excited, we're traveling again in two weeks, we're taking the plane just before New Year's Eve. We are going to spend some time in New York.

-The plane? Can't you simply go with your car?

-Yes, but it's faster by plane.

-If you say so.

-Are you alright? You seem a bit off.

-I'm fine, I'm only feeling down, because I'm going back to work tomorrow.

-I know how it is. So how did it go?

-How did what go?

-Your stay with them.

-It was pleasant.

-Pleasant?

-They have a cabin at the hedge of a forest and near a lake, it's beautiful. I got to unwind.

-Did you have fun?

I think about Victor's lips and scratch the back of my head.

-Yes, I did.

An uncontrollable smile stretches my lips. My father smiles too.

-Well, I better get going, Alexandra is waiting for me.

-Mom is waiting for you?

-Yes, she is, she made a great dinner and we're going to watch a movie.

I nod my head. We get up and I walk with him to the door. He opens it and goes down the stairs.

-Have fun!

-Thank you!

I close the door. This is done. No one can lock me up in my room anymore. What do I want to eat, tonight? It's been a long time since I haven't eaten ramen. I don't feel like cooking. When do I ever feel like cooking? When you don't go to work the day after. That's true.

I put some water to boil and open the television. What's good on Netflix? I should subscribe to Disney+. All the princess movies are there.

I end up putting all the ramen into one bowl and watching a war movie. Which is the opposite a Disney movie, but it doesn't matter.

Those movies are loud, the bad memories become silent for a moment. When I'm alone the weight becomes crushing. I feel guilty for everything. Even my own life, my parents had me at a very young age. I feel bad for breaking their youth.

I know it's not actually my fault, I mean if they were that young and "unready", my mom could've simply end her pregnancy and that would have been the end of it.

Feeling bad is basically a part of my personality. I want to help people around me and when it doesn't work, I take all the blame. I store it away. I hide it.

Then one night at 3AM. My insomnia kicks in. The clock clicks. The flood hits me.

Crushing, suddenly I'm out of breath. The dam breaks, the tears held back for too long make their way down my cheeks and on my pillow. My body is in shock. By reflex it puts itself into fetal position. The position we have in the womb. Where it was soft, quiet, warm and safe. My eyes shut down. My ears ring. My mouth is dry. I can't breathe.

I have to get up and open my window quick. I stumble on the floor and drag myself up with the windowsill. My hands are shaking, where did all my strength go? I can't do a simple task.

I end up opening the window with all of my will.

Depending on the time of the year, I either feel the cold wind breaking my torpor or the heat of the city drying my tears away.

At that moment, most of the time, I wish I could get high. Then I remember that my friend gave me his vape, he wanted me to hide it for him. I never threw it away. I won't be high, but it will calm my nerves. I fill it and smoke until everything is simply down to me. Me worrying about me. I worry about my lungs and my throat, I don't worry about anything else. My mind shuts down. The smoke is everywhere. The room is filled, but the window is open, so my room won't smell like, what's the name of the liquid again? Bliss. My room won't smell like Bliss.

I'm fine, my lungs are working. I can breathe properly. Some people don't have that chance. I feel bad for them. It goes back to my parents. My presence held them back from doing so many things.

Still, I'm grateful to be alive.

The movie starts. The ramen is good. When it ends, I should go read my book in my bed, it'll help me sleep. I need to rest. Especially tonight, I'm going back to work tomorrow and I don't want to look like a zombie.

The movie ends. I get up and go put my bowl in the dishwasher. I put my hair up and walk to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, wash my face and moisturize. I let down my hair and brush it. I undoubtedly need a haircut, look at all those split ends.

The voice isn't making any comments, that's weird.

They've been getting awfully positive lately.

Because you are.

What?

I'm a part of you.

What do you mean?

If you are negative about yourself, I'm going to be negative. If you begin to be positive about yourself, I'm going to be positive.

Well, that means Victor and Tyler did a great job.

They aren't finished though and you need to help them too. Especially Tyler. You are making it more manageable for Victor, but Tyler also needs your help.

I know.

Honestly, I'm glad my mom hasn't ended her pregnancy when she had the chance. I'm truly thankful. I wonder, in what body I would have been in. Maybe I would've been a cat, or an elephant. Elephants are nice. They're beautiful, majestic and big, very big.

Why am I talking about elephants? It doesn't matter. I'm tired, it must be that.

I need to get into bed. I take my book in my hands and read a couple of pages.

I think about the book store. There aren't a lot of customers coming in lately. I remember when I first started, the first day, there were so many people. I was stressed out. I didn't want to be the cashier. My employer, Jammie, is accommodating. He lets me do the work that I want to do, most of the time I help customers find the perfect book for their loved ones. Or a poetry book for a teenager that needs inspiration for a book, he is trying to write.

I'll see him tomorrow, maybe I'll try to discreetly talk to James about the future of the store.