Heaven and Hell Start With the Same Letter (Frerard AU)

14

Gerard's POV

I hear a gentle whimper from besides me. I look down and see that Franks's hands are trembling. He's pushed right up against me so its a little awkward for my arms, but I eventually get them on his shoulder, and gently shake him awake.

His eyes dart open.

"It's just me, Frank.", I whisper gently into his ears.

He buries his face into my shoulder, and start to cry. I feel the tears seeping through the thin material of my shirt. He clings onto my body, like a small animal. I can feel my heart aching for him with each movement.

"Do you want to talk about it?", I ask, stroking his hair.

He stays still for a few minutes before he eventually turns around, his face uncovered and facing me.

"I had a nightmare."

His words come out broken, and his breath is shaky.

"About what?"

He closes his eyes again, and burrows against me even more. He breathes in, so do I, and my body shakes with his.

"About my mom, about what happened...earlier today."

"Frank...what...what did happen earlier today?"

"Do I have to?", he asks, his body tensing.

"No, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but I want to help you. I can't do that unless you tell me."

"But I...what if you..."

He lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Don't you trust me?"

I will admit I was a little more hurt than I had let on. I thought he'd understand by now that I'd do anything for him, and I can't live without him, and I would never do anything to hurt or betray him.

"I-I do, but... Gerard, everyone who's ever gotten close to me, they all end up leaving. It's either because I get too hard to handle, or they find someone better than me. Gerard, everyone's better than me. You definitely are, and you can definitely find someone who is too."

His voice cracks at the end, and how can anyone think of themselves like that?

"Frank, God, I wish you could just see what I see. You're so amazing, and beautiful and no one is better than you, at least not to me. You may not be perfect, but who the fuck is? And you really think I'd leave you because you're a little...harder to handle than the rest? I've had to handle myself for the last few years...I can 'handle' you too."

"That's my point though, G. You have your own demons to battle, I can't give you mine too. Especially when they are worse off. It's not fair to you."

I kiss the top of his head, "I don't think you realize how much you help me too. The only time I can ever sleep is when I'm next to you, and you're the only person I feel safe next to. And...you were the first person I told about what happened between my dad and I, besides my mom."

"Then, why were you so...closed off yesterday?"

I sigh, "I was just anxious, and my insomnia was getting to my head. Sometimes when it gets bad, I hear things, and see things, and it makes me not want to talk because of how tired I am. It wasn't anything you did, and I'm sorry I let the frustration out on you."

"This is another reason why we can't ever work. We're too messed up. I brake at the littlest touch, and you...you're too strong and stubborn for that, but it brakes you too, and you know it. We can comfort each other, we understand each other, but we'll never be able to help each other, and besides...you're going to leave this hospital, one day, and I'll be stuck behind, and what do we do then? Are you going to come every Tuesday during visitor hours?"

I stay silent for a few minutes, tossing his words around in my head, "I'd stay here for you."

He sits up, hugging his legs close to him, "No! You're basically ripping your life away. You're still young, you're not even eighteen yet. You can't spend the rest of your life in a mental hospital, especially when you don't have too."

I sit up too, and lean agains the wall. It's freezing and makes me shiver slightly.

"They won't keep you here forever. I'll just stay until you get better, and we can leave together."

"They're not going to let a schizophrenic walk around the streets freely."

"Look, I've...I've talked to the doctors about this. They said if you get better, and you have a legal guardian that can take care of you for a certain amount of time, and get therapy here every other day or so here, you could leave. I mean, you'd have to take medication, for a long time, but you weren't born with this, Frank, you can get better."

He looks at me, with hope in his eyes for the first time in months, and smiles. He leans against the wall too, and sets his head on my shoulder.

"You really think I can?"

"But you'd have to really try, and I'd be here for you every step of the way, of course.", I say into his ear.

He stays silent, and so do I.

After a while, he finally lets out a breathe, and begins to talk.

"I... I saw my mom. She was shouting at me, and yelling about how it was my fault...Toms dead."

I pull him closer to me. I can't imagine what it's like, seeing these things, hearing the words, and not knowing whether it was real or not.

"And god, Gerard, it was horrible. Everything, it felt so real. And when she slapped me, I could feel it. But it's true...right? I did kill him, I did kill tom. All of this is my fault."

"Hey, hey, none of this is your fault Frank. You didn't know Tom was going t0 do what he did. You loved him, and he knew that, but sometimes, that's just not enough for people."

"But...why else would he...kill himself?", he said, letting a tear fall as he said the end, "Why would anyone kill themselves when they know there are people who love them?"

We sit in silence for a while longer before I decide to answer his question.

"Frank?", I whisper, unsure as to wether or not he had fallen asleep.

"Mm?", he replies faintly.

"A while ago, you told me you had...you know...attempted."

"Y-yeah, I did."

"Well, based on how you feel right now, do you want to kill yourself? If I were to give you a gun, would you end it all, without hesitation?"

He sits up, and turns around to face me, and then turns back around, looking at the wall.

"Yeah, I would."

Even though I knew he would say that, and maybe I would say the same, my heart still breaks a little, knowing he's that miserable.

"You know I love you right?"

He hesitates for second, but nods, and leans back against me.

"Why would anyone kill themselves when they know that people love them?"