Heaven and Hell Start With the Same Letter (Frerard AU)

12

Gerard's dad molested him ever since he was five.

"When did he stop?", I ask, stroking the top of his hand with my thumb.

"When I was ten, but that was because he moved back in with my mom after their break up. Also because it was around the time I started realizing it wasn't normal. You know when you're five, and nothing really makes sense. If your dad touched you, and told you that, that was what good little boys let their father do, then you would listen."

He shutters a little next to me, and I wrap my arm protectively around his waist. His dad might not be here to hurt him anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm still not going to try to protect him from the memories.

"And then...and then he...forced himself on me when I was sixteen. I definitely knew it was wrong then, and when I tried to say no, he would beat me. He would whip me with his belt, and sometimes, he'd hit me until I bled.

I blamed myself for such a long time. I thought it was my fault that he did all those things to him. I thought that maybe if I was a better son, he wouldn't have needed those things from me. I started eating less, sleeping less...it was just a horrible time, and it didn't stop for a while."

I feel tears dripping onto my hands that were around his waist. I look at him and it's red, and covered in tears. He uses his sleeve to wipe them away, and then he turns around and buries his face into my chest.

"Can we sleep?", he mutters into the thin material.

"Yeah, of course."

I adjust us a little so that we were facing each other, undeniabley close, my arms wrapped around his body, and his hands between our chests. He's usually the one comforting me, and holding me, and stroking my hair, but it was my turn to do the same for him.

I kiss the tip of his nose, and tangle my hand into his hair. He's breathing heavy, but it soon evens out, and he's finally sleeping. I let out a deep sigh, and wrap my arms just a little tighter around him.

*

I slowly lay my hand on top of Gerard's. He snaps up from his day dream at the touch, about to pull away, but he follows the hand to my eyes, and he lets out a small smile. I smile in return, although mines a little more forced.

"Do you want my apple?", I ask.

He shakes his head, moving his hand back from under mine, and sets it in his lap. He returns his gaze back to his legs, and let out a sigh.

"C'mon G. I know....you don't like to eat much, but you usually at least eat a fruit or something."

"I'm not hungry.", he mutters out.

"Just a bite. It'll make you fee-"

"I said I'm not hungry!"

I coward back, my back pressing against my chair.

"Ok, I'm sorry.", I whisper out, dropping my gaze to my plate.

It was topped with foamy eggs, and orange juice that was powder only a few minutes ago.

"I'm sorry 'Frank. I'm just...tired."

I look up at him, my shoulders still slouched, and open my mouth to speak again, "Didn't you get some sleep last night?"

"I had a nightmare."

"You should've woken me up, I could've helped."

"Don't think you're one to say."

Guilt immediately washes over his face as the words slip through his mouth, but I was already pushing my chair back. I fumble around, grabbing the paper plate, and walk over to the trash can that was next to the door.

"Frank! Frank, I'm sorry. I...I didn't mean that."

I look at the nurse that was standing next to the door, "Please, can I go back to my room?"

"Breakfast isn't over yet."

"Please.", I whine.

His hands grab my wrist, pulling me gently around.

"Frank, god I'm so sorry."

I feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I want to cry, but I can't in front of him, and the rest of the lunch room. Why am I even letting those petty words get to me?

-It's because you're a sensitive little fag. Why do you think he's treating you the way he is?-

"Shut up. I don't want to listen to you right now."

Gerard's eyes widen, and he lets go of my wrist. My arms fall limply against my body.

"Hey nurse, I really think we should go.", Gerard says, tapping on her shoulder.

"Breakfast isn't over."

"He's going to have an...attack.", he says, whispering the end for my sake.

But I hear it none the less.

A worried, hesitant look crosses her face, and she finally breaks, opening the door. She motions to the other nurse across the room, and starts to lead us back to our room. Gerard's pulling me along with them, his grip getting tighter after each room we pass by.

We finally stop in front of ours, and the nurse looks through thousands of keys before she finally finds the one that opens the room doors.

Gerard pulls us inside, and closes the door a little too loud.

-He's going to hurt you. He's closing the door so no one can hear your screams. If you hurt him first, he can't get you!-

No. Gerard won't hurt me. He loves me, and he'd never lay a finger on me if it wasn't for comfort. I know that!

-Do you really? Didn't you see the way he looked at you, or the way he talked to you?-

I fall onto the floor, crying into my knees, wishing for those stupid voices to go away. I can only listen to one, mine, or his, and they're both so contradicting, but I don't know which ones the right one. My thoughts turn into muddy water, but millions of thoughts still run through it, bits and pieces getting stuck, clogging my brain.

-This is all your fault! This is all your fault!-

"This is all your fault, Frank! Tom wouldn't be dead right now if it wasn't for you! You knew didn't you? You knew and you never did a thing. You killed Tom!", she shouts at me, throwing her arms and hands everywhere.

She strikes me in the face, and I'm not sure if it's intentional or by accident, but tears rim my eyes anyways.

"It's not my fault! I didn't know. Mom, please, stop!"

She pushes me back and runs out, slamming the door behind her. I fall onto the floor, burying my face in my knees, wishing for all of this to be a bad dream. The scent of his cologne is suffocating, and so I push myself off of the ground, and walk over to the window, pulling it open. I look down, and we're pretty high up.

I set my hands on the rim, and push myself up, and soon, my legs are hanging over the edge.

"Frank! Frank!"

And suddenly, I'm not in my room anymore.

"W-where am I?"

I look around and see that I'm clinging onto the metal bars surrounding the window in the room. There's blood dripping down my arm from the rusty metal that was broken in some places, leaving jagged edges.

"Frank?...Can you hear me?"

He slowly walks closer to me, his arms out, like he was approaching a wild animal. I feel more tears fall from face, dripping a little on to my neck.

I turn back around to face the window, and I look out. We kept the windows close here, and I hadn't looked out into the real world for months. The sky was grey, and there was a slight drizzle.

I feel his hands on my shoulder, and one is on my arm, that's still hanging out, between the metal bars. He slowly takes my arm out from between the metal, it stings, and turns me around, so I'm facing the room, and him again.

"It was all my fault, Gerard. I should've known. I could've helped, and he'd be alive right now, and...and I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be like this."