pAroDy sToRiEs fiLled wIth nOnsEnse

Chad's Diary (Harry Potter AU)

*Please don't be offended with the "role" I gave you to the people who read this. It's just for fun and you don't actually suit their personality with the exception of some. That's all.

Dear Diary- Actually screw it that's so cliché. Anyways. I'm SICK and TIRED of living with my uncle, aunt and their hellspawn of a son! I'd switch places with the freaking floor if I had to. Okay now I have to check the mail?!? Ugh!

P.S. I let out a snake at the zoo at Mr. Hellspawn by accident. At least the snake was free, unlike me.

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AAAAAAAH, THERE WAS MAIL FOR ME YET MY STUPID UNCLE TORE IT ALL APART. I really wanna be the floor! Not the floor, they step on that darn floor!

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Weeks passed. Letters everywhere. We had to go to a place in the middle of the ocean. All because of them not wanting me to get a letter. I'm waiting right now for midnight... 3, 2, 1.... OH MY GOD A GIANT BARGED IN AND SAID I WAS A WIZARD. What the f- Oh nice he gave me cake too. At least this giant stranger actually gave me a cake. Oh also a weird man named Voldemort killed my parents

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Okay so today I gotta get wizard stuff and my parents were rich as heck. I also met this arrogant blondie. She was just as worse as Mr Hellspawn. Also met a professor. Named Kakashi

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WE GET TO GO TO SCHOOL NOW. So like,I was tryna find 9 3/4 and IT WAS A WALL. THANK YOU MANY CHILDREN FAMILY. Okay so I got stares when I walked in. And one boy just said "IT'S CHAD FREAKIN PORRET" like how did they know my name???? Oh right I was famous smh

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Okay so one of the children of that family sat with me and he was like "You're Chad freakin Porret!" and I was like, "Yes I am." Dude's name was Logan. We both united as people with hated names. Then we bought a lot of candy from cart witch.

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So we're at school now and we rode boats going there. And our school was a C A S T L E like, legit a castle. I can be like that snake now... FREEE-

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Ugh I met blondie again. Her name was Yui and she had a CRAZY FREAKIN SIDEKICK NAMED VIVI. She wanted to befriend me?? Excuse me??

P.S Got this weird house thing. Sorted into Gryffindor. Wanted Slytherin but then yUI WAS IN THAT HOUSE SO BYE BYE.

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Okay so now we got classes and wow they're amazing but I'm bad at them. Now we have to do Potions with the... GOSH DARNIT THE SLYTHERINS! So I entered this dark room and I see this gal who was our teacher and then I sat down and then she greeted us like:

"Welcome to Potions Class suckas- Oh lookie here, Chad Porret!"

And then proceeded to ask me questions I had not clue about like, I just came HOW WOULD I KNOW THESE?? And then she proceeded to take house points from Gryffindor smh.

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Flying Class days aight. I did well, suprisingly. I didn't fall off my broom and face a terrible, bloody death. Sad enough. I even got chosen for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team and I wasn't supposed to cause I'm a first year. How? Well, YUI JUST HAD TO STEAL HASHIM'S BALL THING AND THROW IT IN THE AIR AND IF I DIDN'T CATCH IT I'D BE GAY FOR LOGAN LIKE WTF I HAD TO CATCH THAT SUCKER.

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Now we gotta do a duel. Sunny was against this very much. But honestly, Yui must be defeated. Hashim JUST HAD TO BE RIGHT OUTSIDE! So we went to the trophy room and NO ONE WAS THERE HOLY CRAP- Filch was coming and we gotta run. So we then went inside this door thing. Oh no. A three headed dog AAA  GOTTA GET OUT. The four of us got out and Filch wasn't there. YUI YOU TRICKSTER!1!1!

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Okay so it is time for Halloween. We don't really get to wear costumes. So Logan and I were talking as we ate. Sunny wasn't here, I think she overheard Logan saying smth about her. Okay now Professor Kakashi came in yelling "TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS"
and we were sent to our dorms.

Then Logan and I saw the troll heading to the girl's bathroom, aka where Sunny was. So we ran there, beat up the ugly troll, and it died. We got five points for that from Professor Angelic because SUNNY JUST HAD TO LIE-

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Yay quidditch time. Okay so as I was playing, my broom was doing zigzags and stuff. So then it stopped, I took the snitch by swallowing it, aNd We wOn- And now they say Acceled was cursing me. Pfft- I'm sure that was just me.

P. S. Went to Hagrid's hut and found out that the three headed dog was guarding smth. Also whoever the heck Flamel is.

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I SAW THIS MIRROR AND MY PARENTS WHAT THE HELL- Also got an invisibility cloak and a Weezly sweater. Time to hunt down- *smudged cause someone took it*

This is Logan now. I stole Chad's Diary. It's mine now.

--

Found out about Flamel. Professor Kirby's alchemist friend. Professor Acceled was also threatening Professor Kakashi about a stone says Chad. Interesting.

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Hagrid has a dragon now for some reason?? He got an egg from some cloaked dude. Gotta call my brother who is good with dragons to take it.

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HAHA TOOK BACK MY DIARY FROM LOGAN- It was a sad day today. Tried to sneak Norbert. WE JUST HAD TO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT. And then now I'm gonna have detention with Sunny, Yui, and Hashim.

....We went to the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid then we split up. Oh guess what? I was with Yui. The girl who loves torturing me so much. We saw a cloaked figure drinking unicorn blood and it was terrifying yet hilarious seeing Yui's face. The feeling was probably mutual ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Okay Sunny, Logan and I got information about Flamel and the stone. Time to retrieve it cause honestly, why not. Okay we went through many puzzles. Logan won a game of HUGE chess and Sunny escaped with him.

And when I went to the next room, guess what? PROFESSOR KAKASHI. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. HE HAD... YOU-KNOW-WHO- EH SCREW IT ALLEN ON HIS HEAD LIKE AAA. Got the stone btw. Woke up to Professor Kirby telling me words of wisdom and Gryffindor won the house cup. Supposed to be Slytherin but we got final points. HAHA YUI AND VIVI WERE SO MAD HAHAHHAHA.

This was so fun to write I-